Things to say to members of the God Squad on your door step

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Her & him: Good morning, would you like to read our magazine 'Jesus is Alive'?

Me: No thank you

H & H: But the Lord...

Me: FUCK OFF!

Persistent wankers. Give me some ammo in case they come back.

― Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:36 (twenty years ago)

"I'm a practicing catholic" usually has them running down the path

― Vicky (Vicky), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:38 (twenty years ago)

"Can He do anything for my genital warts?"

― Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:39 (twenty years ago)

'i'm a practicing catholic' can have the opposite effect, encouraging them to laungh into a comparative analysis of the two religions. i just say 'i'm not interested thanks' and shut the door.

― gem (trisk), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:41 (twenty years ago)

i just shut the door.

― lauren (laurenp), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:42 (twenty years ago)

I pretended to be Jewish once when some Jehovah's Witnesses turned up at our door one Saturday morning.

JW: "Ah, so then you'll understand all about how important God is..."
Me: "And you'll understand why I don't want to talk to you about it on our Sabbath."
JW: "Ah, yes. Well, nice speaking to you. Bye."

― aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:42 (twenty years ago)

Offer them sex.
*NB: You should be prepared to deliver, as you might have come across a maverick one.

― beanz (beanz), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:44 (twenty years ago)

Haha. you really tricked them.

xpost

― Oh Lord, My God, is there no help for the widow's son? / Kate (papa november), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:44 (twenty years ago)

As Gem said simply saying you're not interested is the best way, some will be persistent. Be firm and say you're not interested again. There is no need for tricks or pranks or rudeness.

How do I know? I was one for 16 years.

― Oh Lord, My God, is there no help for the widow's son? / Kate (papa november), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:45 (twenty years ago)

If you really want to get rid of them, say that you have left *their* church. Then they are obliged by their religious code not to talk to you at all.

― Luminiferous Aether (kate), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:46 (twenty years ago)

Not true for Jehovah's Witnesses unless you're disfellowshipped. Every Jehovah's Witness I know still talks to me.

― Oh Lord, My God, is there no help for the widow's son? / Kate (papa november), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:47 (twenty years ago)

What do you do to get away from religious crusaders who interrupt your lunch?

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:48 (twenty years ago)

I always keep the yard gate bolted when there's canvassers (sp?) of whatever sort around. sometimes I sneakily watch from the upstairs window, and rofl at their pitiful attempts at opening it.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:49 (twenty years ago)

Once at university I answered the door having hastily thrown on some pyjamas after the doorbell interrupted some sinful sex I'd been having. The nuns on the doorstep insisted on shaking my hand despite my protestations. Perhaps if they knew where it had been mere seconds earlier they wouldn't have been so keen. I was horribly embarrassed at the time (especially since I learnt later that another boy I liked, not the one in my bed at the time, had been walking past and seen me in my lurid flannel pyjamas). But now I snigger internally to think of it.

xpost. ah yes I mentioned it there too.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:50 (twenty years ago)

Hey, I remember doorknocking and having people with no clothes on at all answer the door! Some dude who'd had a blood transfusion angrily ripped his shirt open like superman to show me the scar, I was like 11 or something.

― Oh Lord, My God, is there no help for the widow's son? / Kate (papa november), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:53 (twenty years ago)

Answer the door holding a dead chicken in one hand and a sharp knife in the other. If you make yourself a pointy black hat out of cardboard this will improve the effect.

― I Ain't No Addict, Whoever Heard of a Junkie as Old as Me? (noodle vague), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:53 (twenty years ago)

"sorry, I’m halfway through sex"

worked for me once.

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:54 (twenty years ago)

I used to invite my local Jehovah's Witness bloke in for a chat, but after a while I realised neither of us was going to convert the other and it got a bit tedious.

― I Ain't No Addict, Whoever Heard of a Junkie as Old as Me? (noodle vague), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:56 (twenty years ago)

Yeah thats a big mistake if you're not really interested. Unless you put it bluntly to them they'll just keep coming back.

― Oh Lord, My God, is there no help for the widow's son? / Kate (papa november), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:58 (twenty years ago)

I finally figured that out. His daughter was really pretty though.

― I Ain't No Addict, Whoever Heard of a Junkie as Old as Me? (noodle vague), Thursday, 1 September 2005 09:59 (twenty years ago)

That would also be a waste of time...only allowed to marry in the faith :)

― Oh Lord, My God, is there no help for the widow's son? / Kate (papa november), Thursday, 1 September 2005 10:00 (twenty years ago)

I know, but I'm a sucker for unattainability.

― I Ain't No Addict, Whoever Heard of a Junkie as Old as Me? (noodle vague), Thursday, 1 September 2005 10:00 (twenty years ago)

Heh, yeah. There's something about what you have that is never quite as delicious as what you can't.

― Oh Lord, My God, is there no help for the widow's son? / Kate (papa november), Thursday, 1 September 2005 10:01 (twenty years ago)

With JW's I always ask them if they are the mob who thought the world was going to end in 1914.

To their credit, one did respond that it "was a pretty bad year".

― Pete (Pete), Thursday, 1 September 2005 10:03 (twenty years ago)

you were canvassing at age 11?
more lurid details of archel's steamy past surface....

― dahlin (dahlin), Thursday, 1 September 2005 10:05 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, there was also some talk of it ending in 1975, but as I always say I'd rather be assosciated with a religion that realises its mistakes than one that ignores them.

xpost

I was witnessing from about 6 or 7 years of age. Packed it in at 16 though.

― Oh Lord, My God, is there no help for the widow's son? / Kate (papa november), Thursday, 1 September 2005 10:06 (twenty years ago)

I only ever get accosted by the god squad at train stations :( I always think they're flirting with me, but I always say my name is "bernard" in case they're not...

― edward o (edwardo), Thursday, 1 September 2005 10:10 (twenty years ago)

funny, they never come anywhere near me. they see me, then do massive swerving motions to avoid me.

which is just as well for them :)

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Thursday, 1 September 2005 10:12 (twenty years ago)

with mormons, "so you can marry as many people as you want???, you can't???? but i heard!!! not even on the sly?"

― Ronan (Ronan), Thursday, 1 September 2005 10:15 (twenty years ago)

if they're pretty girls then "hey come in and we'll talk over a cup of coffee"

otherwise "oh i already acquired all the biblical knowledge i need from [insert pretty JW girl's name] last week thanks"

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 1 September 2005 10:17 (twenty years ago)

six years pass...

thanks lads, the football's on

(smug smile) i think the bible's a little more important, don't you?

(smug smile) no.

― stop muammar time (darraghmac), Sunday, 23 October 2011 13:37 (fourteen years ago)

In my younger and stranger days, I scared them away for good by coming to the door wearing only a sheet (my husband: "We're kind of Roman in this household") and chatting about theology with them. I wasn't trying to scare them away, it just happened.

― Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Sunday, 23 October 2011 14:14 (fourteen years ago)

I didn't mean sheet, I was wearing only a towel.

― Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Sunday, 23 October 2011 14:18 (fourteen years ago)

I found that answering the door in a Slayer t-shirt tended to keep the conversation nice and brief.

― jon /via/ chi 2.0, Sunday, 23 October 2011 17:07 (fourteen years ago)

...and nothing else on?

― Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Sunday, 23 October 2011 17:38 (fourteen years ago)

for the religious types, i simply say, "You're not welcome, please get off of this property," and shut the door.

to Scientologists on the street, i say, "Fuck off, don't talk to me."

to socialists trying to get me to buy a paper or hand me a flier, i say, "get the fuck away from me, asshole."

― Sophomore subs are the new Smith lesbians. (the table is the table), Sunday, 23 October 2011 17:49 (fourteen years ago)

why so polite to religious?

― stop muammar time (darraghmac), Sunday, 23 October 2011 17:53 (fourteen years ago)

...and nothing else on?

I learned that this is called "shirt-cocking," and it is reportedly the most frowned upon behavior at Burning Man.

― Josh in Chicago, Sunday, 23 October 2011 18:31 (fourteen years ago)

donald duckin it

― max, Sunday, 23 October 2011 18:39 (fourteen years ago)

See also this classic thread of ILX yesteryear:
Porky Pig Style

― how do i shot slime mould voltron form (a passing spacecadet), Sunday, 23 October 2011 18:58 (fourteen years ago)

True story:

One JefWit came to the door, and after a brief explanation of the coming apocalypse, showed me a nice picture of rolling hills and green, with a nice (white) family and the man stroking a lovely tiger and so on. At which point I said "oh, I've been to the Lake District already", and bade him goodbye.

― Mark G, Monday, 24 October 2011 11:02 (fourteen years ago)

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