ILX scriptwriters: Let's brainstorm some ideas

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I've only had one idea:

Trouble Taker Cop MPC1200 - he's a cop who plays by the rules and also has a popular though now superceded digital sampler. I don't know, something like this:

TT Cop: Alright, let's haul this sucker's ass to jail. But first - there's the Section 464(a) form to fill in.

Cop B: Screw the paperwork, boss, this sucker's a punk! The law's for honest citizens, not dirtbags like him!

TT Cop *hauls up cop B by his lapels*: Sure, wiseguy, so the form doesn't get filled in, and then what? The File Maintenance Bureau picks up the file in two years and grades us a B- on compliance! Now get to it!

Cop B: Yes sir!

I'm not sure where the digital sampler bit fits in yet.

― moley, Sunday, 6 November 2005 03:54 (twenty years ago)

His police dog died several years ago, so he plays samples of barking to intimidate criminals.

― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Sunday, 6 November 2005 03:59 (twenty years ago)

update of manon lescaut, with a black middle class cast, and gospel music...

― woland, Sunday, 6 November 2005 04:03 (twenty years ago)

Tha Pumpsta starring in a blaxsploitation movie named Kill Whitey. Hang on, that is a really really bad idea.

― moley, Sunday, 6 November 2005 07:22 (twenty years ago)

terri schiavo: the musical

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Sunday, 6 November 2005 07:31 (twenty years ago)

Adam Sandler is a chimpanzee trapped in a man's body who has to save the world from a transvestite mad scientist with a lethal hair spray (Bill O'Reilly).

― awesome-o 3000 (gypsy mothra), Sunday, 6 November 2005 07:33 (twenty years ago)

Miss Muffin: high-powered Wall Street broker Tanya (Angelina Jolie) pleads guilty to securities fraud and has to do community service in a soup kitchen run by Sister Mayvoletta (Whoopi Goldberg). Fish-out-of-water hilarity ensues until Tanya discovers some of her grandmother's recipes in a box of family documents. Her baked goods are soon the pride of the kitchen and eventually create a citywide frenzy, with Brooks Brothers yuppies lining up at the kitchen for a corn muffin. But when the evil conglomerate run by the shark (Ed Harris) whose double-dealing landed Tanya in trouble in the first place offers her a million dollars and her own line of corporate-produced pastries, Tanya is forced to choose between her ambitions and her heart. With Viggo Mortensen as the romantic interest, a shy soup kitchen volunteer with secrets of his own.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Sunday, 6 November 2005 07:56 (twenty years ago)

can we have tyra banks as the wizened black matriarch instead of whoopi?

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Sunday, 6 November 2005 08:08 (twenty years ago)

I liked Whoopie for that role! Consider her brilliance in Sister Act.

― moley, Sunday, 6 November 2005 08:13 (twenty years ago)

and clara's heart. and every other movie she's ever done. but... i think it's time for her to retire.

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Sunday, 6 November 2005 08:17 (twenty years ago)

montage of citywide frenzy featuring cameos with donald trump, martha stewart, carson daly, al roker

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Sunday, 6 November 2005 08:17 (twenty years ago)

cast this one!

for a while i've had this idea for an alien pot comedy called Contact High. it's about these aliens that crash land on earth and go undercover as high school students in oder to score some weed (with government agents hot on their trail). 'high' jinx ensue.

-- latebloomer (posercore24...), October 6th, 2005.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Sunday, 6 November 2005 08:18 (twenty years ago)

i feel michael madsen should also be involved somehow. perhaps as the jealous ex-husband? (xpost)

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Sunday, 6 November 2005 08:18 (twenty years ago)

or ex-fiance, who dumped her after (what will be revealed as) her frame-up conviction. madsen-mortensen fisticuffs to follow.

(also, did you know that michael madsen's web site features poetry?)

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Sunday, 6 November 2005 08:28 (twenty years ago)

yes i did know that. fanbloodytastic.

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Sunday, 6 November 2005 08:29 (twenty years ago)

Yesterday I was the answer to 46 Down
in a crossword puzzle
in the L.A. Times

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Sunday, 6 November 2005 08:30 (twenty years ago)

Michael Madsen: poet?

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Sunday, 6 November 2005 08:34 (twenty years ago)

A teen romance based on LiveJournal that turns into a stalker thriller.

― moley (moley), Monday, 7 November 2005 02:18 (twenty years ago)

A documentary?

― Its morph 'em to pun cute (Matt Chesnut), Monday, 7 November 2005 03:12 (twenty years ago)

Touche!

― moley (moley), Monday, 7 November 2005 03:23 (twenty years ago)

someone creates a fake myspace profile, and then keeps getting mysterious emails from the persona he/she has created. it'll be a generation y version of The Dark Half!

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Monday, 7 November 2005 04:56 (twenty years ago)

a gripping drama about the lives of AMA editors -- ~~stat!~~ stet!

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Monday, 7 November 2005 05:13 (twenty years ago)

the last line of the film has to be "And you have learned how to make a good bagel!"

― DV (dirtyvicar), Monday, 7 November 2005 23:45 (twenty years ago)

A teenage file sharer (Jamie Kennedy) is busted and winds up in a cell with a disgraced former CEO (Michael Madsen); together they hatch a business plan that results in a successful IPO before they've even been released! The CEO's unscrupulous business partner (James Woods) signs a hefty percentage of their stakes in the company to himself, so the two genius jailbirds approach a hitman who's up for parole (Rob Schneider) and persuade him to off their nemesis... and then the opening credits start.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 7 November 2005 23:54 (twenty years ago)

can we all agree that michael madsen HAS to be in it?

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Monday, 7 November 2005 23:58 (twenty years ago)

Tracer I can't believe you'd put together Jamie Kennedy, corporate boardroom wackiness, and prison, and not throw in a part where Jamie tries to be "down" with some black gangster inmates (with comic results, right up until the darkest hour, where it turns out some bit of common-sense wisdom from the gangsters turns out to be the brilliant idea that saves the company). (Also obviously in the climactic wacky running-around scene there is a part where you think Kennedy and Madsen are going to be foiled by a villainous foe, except then out of nowhere the gangsters show up crossing their arms and looking mean, and the foe runs away.)

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 00:05 (twenty years ago)

i'm sorry, Rob Schneider will not do as a hitman. perhaps David Spade.

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 00:25 (twenty years ago)

neither. how about the home alone guys?

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 00:34 (twenty years ago)

Hey, sorry, I had to interrupt the storming around of my brain with a BEER RUN! The local deli sells "Smuttynose Shoal Pale Ale" so I did what anyone would do and bought it.

Nabisco you're right, I don't know what I was thinking.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 00:35 (twenty years ago)

i've had smuttynose.

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 00:38 (twenty years ago)

The reason it's Rob Schneider is because he's proven himself playing against type in such movies as Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. No one expects Rob Schneider to be a hitman, which is why he's so goddamn effective at it! It's like Viggo Mortenson in A History of Violence, he's just like, hyuk hyuk and then suddenly like five guys' necks are snapped, they're writhing on the floor and Schneider's just pickin his teeth with a tiny platinum toothpick.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 00:40 (twenty years ago)

well, there's playing against type and then there's entirely unconvincing. might as well cast Ned.

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 00:42 (twenty years ago)

NOT THAT YOU AREN'T A BAD BAD MAN, NED

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 00:43 (twenty years ago)

Jesus, okay, no Rob Schneider, huh? So the hitman is played by... PAUL NEWMAN.

Gangster inmates: Tyrese, Bernie Mac and John Witherspoon, the latter of whom continues to run a hugely profitable illegal sex-doll importation company and is the go-between for Kennedy and Madsen to get to Newman, who's the most legendary hitman in the business, and was rumored to have made his name scalping Indians in Oklahoma. The terse hair jokes with James Woods practically write themselves.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 00:53 (twenty years ago)

Who plays the role of Madsen's daughter with whom Jamie inevitably experiences an unauthorized conjugal visit?

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 00:57 (twenty years ago)

You forgot that guy with the freaky eyes who always plays Big Scary Black Man. (I am looking up Friday in the IMDB but can't seem to isolate his name.)

― nabiscothingy, Tuesday, 8 November 2005 01:01 (twenty years ago)

okay, fair enough. i'd go gay for paul newman

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 01:02 (twenty years ago)

The pitch for this movie will be awesome: "It's like Disorderlies meets Bulworth!"

― nabiscothingy, Tuesday, 8 November 2005 01:02 (twenty years ago)

You mean the guy who played D.?

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 01:04 (twenty years ago)

The pitch for this movie will be awesome: "It's like Disorderlies meets Bulworth!"

you had me at "it's"

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 01:05 (twenty years ago)

Who plays the role of Madsen's daughter with whom Jamie inevitably experiences an unauthorized conjugal visit?

hallie "pepsi girl" eisenberg, ALL GROWED UP

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 01:06 (twenty years ago)

Tom 'Tiny' Lister Junior? Maybe HE should be the hitman!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 01:09 (twenty years ago)

NOT THAT YOU AREN'T A BAD BAD MAN, NED

Hmmmm. Maybe Mookietacos are the way forward.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 01:13 (twenty years ago)

ghostface Ned!

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 01:16 (twenty years ago)

elephant elected president of city council in beleagured mid-atlantic city

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:20 (twenty years ago)

why stop at city council?

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:21 (twenty years ago)

white male alcoholic ex-newscaster and obese female african-american claims rep at hmo save christmas

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:21 (twenty years ago)

pale mid-western loner - "he was always quiet," say the woman who worked in the next cubicle - goes across the country steadily picking off masturbatory female fantasies from online message board

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:23 (twenty years ago)

hmmmm.

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:23 (twenty years ago)

ex-newscaster: richard lewis
claims rep: MONIQUE

http://i.timeinc.net/essence/images/2004/july/themix/monique_story_lead.jpg

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:24 (twenty years ago)

fab 5 freddy stars as "maurice," the only icthyologist in minnesota when a mysterious "air whale" drops out of the sky one day

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:25 (twenty years ago)

charles nelson reilly is jim jones in "guyana: the final hours"

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:27 (twenty years ago)

horatio sanz pretends to be japanese so he can get into harvard on a sumo wrestling scholarship

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:28 (twenty years ago)

pootie klang -- the german remake starring ralf hutter

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:31 (twenty years ago)

aging accountant steve (howie mandell) attempts to become a professional skateboarder to win back his estranged son jake after a messy divorce with the help of a few supernatural friends in "angels on the half-pipe"

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:32 (twenty years ago)

introverted university librarian ted daggett is shocked to wake up one day to find he's swapped bodies with a dallas cowboy's cheerleader (carmen electra) on the first day of classes/the season

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:34 (twenty years ago)

a shy vietnamese louisianna shrimp boat captain's son, adrift as a young adult, is displaced by hurricane katrina only to find himself, and true love, behind the cosmetics counter of a wal-mart in kentucky in say you, say me

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:37 (twenty years ago)

Haha oh my god.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:40 (twenty years ago)

when ed begley jr.'s electric car breaks down, he has to find a way to get to palm springs for a sierra club meeting. the segway story takes us on his life-changing journey and introduces us to all the characters he meets.

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:40 (twenty years ago)

introverted university librarian ted daggett is shocked to wake up one day to find he's swapped bodies with a dallas cowboy's cheerleader (carmen electra) on the first day of classes/the season

You better not cast Robin Williams as me dammit.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:41 (twenty years ago)

Joint Expedition: Method Man and Redman are Roald Amundsen and Robert Falcon Scott.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:42 (twenty years ago)

i was thinking rob schneider, actually

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:43 (twenty years ago)

in the charming IMAX documentary banana boat story, we follow the trials and travails of fernando, a young tarantuala, on his journey from a banana tree in belize to terrorizing the stock room of a mid-western grocery store.

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:45 (twenty years ago)

maggot in my wrapper: a precarious walk up the convenience industry's hershey highway

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:47 (twenty years ago)

i was thinking rob schneider, actually

Heheh.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:48 (twenty years ago)

Maybe one of those arrested cheerleaders was Ned!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:48 (twenty years ago)

in penny for your thoughts, we are brought into the conflicted world of yonah (jake gyllenhaal), a young gay man who also happens to be a mossad agent, who falls for his latest target, an aging former SS officer now living in argentina (max von sydow).

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:51 (twenty years ago)

don capote: terry gilliam's long-awaited interpretation of the cervantes classic... with a delicious twist!

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:53 (twenty years ago)

is max von sydow still alive? bless

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:54 (twenty years ago)

clearly we missed our calling, jody

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:54 (twenty years ago)

"Light of Day" remake, starring Britney Spears and Kevin Federline as The New Barbusters, a Cleveland bar band trying to hold onto their dreams -- and each other.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:55 (twenty years ago)

when a massive flood threatens to wipe out cleveland, no one believes discredited fema field agent john appleton (the wwf's "rowdy" roddy piper), the only man who can save the city from certain destruction in a hard rain.

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:56 (twenty years ago)

Joint Expedition 2: Ice Cube is Ernest Shackleton.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:57 (twenty years ago)

i'm having an asthma attack from all the roffling here

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 02:58 (twenty years ago)

What, does he protect them all with a giant kilt or something?

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:00 (twenty years ago)

Because I wouldn't believe that either.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:02 (twenty years ago)

when a big city lawyer on the fast-track to success (zach braff) is forced to do pro-bono work after insulting the wife of his boss (donald sutherland), he discovers what life and love are really all about half-way around the world as he attempts to save an indian orphanage.

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:03 (twenty years ago)

who's going to star what's his face in the "rent is too damn high party" movie?

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:08 (twenty years ago)

two young brothers living in a trailer home community in montana must protect the gold they discovered while playing in the stream behind the park from their mother's abusive boyfriend long enough to reunite with their long lost dad in 18 karat.

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:11 (twenty years ago)

"It's Perfect Strangers on crack!"

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:13 (twenty years ago)

back to the future IV: seven second delay

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:15 (twenty years ago)

Joint Expedition 3: Rocky Mountain High: The RZA is Sir Edmund Hillary.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:16 (twenty years ago)

small-town doctor bill (anson williams) quickly finds out his new intern (hillary duff) is not going to work out when she begins blackmailing him for prescription painkillers for her dealer boyfriend (ryan cabrerra) in the thriller numb.

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:20 (twenty years ago)

rescue: 311: william shatner walks us through gripping real-time dramatizations of new yorkers' concerns about potholes and alternate-side parking.

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:21 (twenty years ago)

haha

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:22 (twenty years ago)

Now's my chance to pitch "Speaking From The Heart":

Tim is a lovable twenty-something gay deaf-mute living in Minneapolis. Happy in his relationship but estranged from his parents because of his sexuality, he struggles with Eileen, his 40-ish therapist, to find self-acceptance. But meanwhile, Eileen has her own single-parent struggles with her rebellious teenaged daughter. Audiences will cry and cheer at the heartwarming climax, when Tim witnesses a fight between Eileen and her daughter; after the daughter storms out, Tim's mouth begins to tremble, as he "breaks his silence" to tell Eileen "Y-y-y-y-yu-yuh-yuh-yy-You N-n-n-n-n-n-nee-n-n-need each-ch-ch-other."
In the final scene, Tim's parents join him and his boyfriend and Eileen and her daughter for Thanksgiving dinner.

― Hurting (Hurting), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:23 (twenty years ago)

a free-spirit research scientist (jeff daniels) and his family decide to "go native" when dad's on assignment in the rainforest, only to be shocked to find out the tribe they've been accepted into are cannibals in hunger.

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:27 (twenty years ago)

Joint Expedition 4: lil' kim is amelia earhart.

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:29 (twenty years ago)

kiera knightly stars as a new york shiksa who wants to be a rabbi in yentil 2: no pig in the city

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:30 (twenty years ago)

yentl 3: babs joins al qaeda, only to find herself sent on a suicide mission to bomb a tel aviv disco

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:34 (twenty years ago)

ROFFLE at casting.

― Hurting (Hurting), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:37 (twenty years ago)

brother from another building: hilarity ensues as a building D resident (taye diggs) mistakenly walks into building E. also starring keshia knight-pulliam as the mail carrier who steals his heart.

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:48 (twenty years ago)

I have worked an eleven hour day and am bereft of ideas, so I provide this link for an older example of similar fun.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:50 (twenty years ago)

The American Civil War told from the perspective of two racist worms.

― On one hand I've got myself to blame (Lynskey), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:50 (twenty years ago)

that was actually my senior thesis project

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:53 (twenty years ago)

Brain Salad Surgery: Prog-rock opera about zombie doctors (Coheed & Cambria) who secretly eat the frontal lobes of their patients. With Diamanda Galas as the head nurse. Directed by Michel Gondry.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 03:56 (twenty years ago)

richard branson presents: what a country!: in this film adaptation of the long-running, wildly successful variety show in the famed entrepreneur's missouri namesake, we're treated to such comedic gems as "CUCUMBER SANDWICHES EAT YOU!"

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 04:01 (twenty years ago)

"head nurse"

― bird-person-person (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 04:02 (twenty years ago)

A shy bumbling clerk at an organic supermarket (Annette Benning) is engaged in a loveless relationship with her manager, a lactose intolerant recluse (Burt Reynolds). Until... a series of chance encounters with a genetics researcher for Archer Daniels-Midland make her rethink her life. Soon, she's caught in a firey riot in Europe that forces her to make the ultimate choice between love and hormone-free radishes.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Tuesday, 8 November 2005 05:21 (twenty years ago)

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