The shifting dynamics of a platonic friendship

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How do you cope with the inevitable shifting dynamics when your long term opposite gender platonic friend gets married? After years of being good mates, and being genuinely happy that he has settled down with his lovely new bride, I am puzzled by my feelings of ... I dunno what. Jealousy? Sadness that our friendship feels different now? Awkwardness? I feel that I ought to distance myself from this friendship out of respect for his wife, but the idea of doing so makes me miserable.

Has anyone else experienced a change in friend-circumstances like this? I don't understand why I'm feeling so down in the dumps about it, and don't know what to do. Advise me, ILX!

― random stranger, Monday, 9 January 2006 10:10 (twenty years ago)

its probably pretty normal. on some level, you had a pseudo-relationship, this sort of quashes that situation. also the idea that friendships last, relationships come and go, is turned on its head by marriage

prob the feeling of being left behind also, all 'life-changing' events do that, university, jobs, moving away, marriage, kids etc etc. everyone goes to uni, you're left behind, or everyone suddenly seems to have high powered jobs, and you've been coasting. a dynamic has changed.

― calderdale in the 70s (gareth), Monday, 9 January 2006 10:23 (twenty years ago)

Ýou can get jealous of friends, especially close ones, if they get in a deep relationship with someone else - suddenly they aren't there for you anymore as often as they used to be. I don't think this has necessarily anything to do with romantic jealousy though (though it's possible, depends on the nature of the friendship), so if you can still stay friends with him, I don't think there's any absolute need "to distance yourself from this friendship out of respect for his wife". Unless you're really jealous of her in a non-platonic way.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Monday, 9 January 2006 11:29 (twenty years ago)

I think as you get older your view on friendship changes. When you are younger you think you and your closest friends are gonna stick together 'til the end of your lives. But as you get older you can see friendships go sour, friends get more distant for no good reason, etc. And you learn to live with it. That doesn't mean friendships wouldn't be as deep as they used to be, but you don't view them as blood oaths anymore.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Monday, 9 January 2006 11:32 (twenty years ago)

I'm not jealous of her at all, and I truly am very pleased that he has married her - they're very compatible, and she seems very nice. She's cool about him having female friends. I don't think it's even that i feel 'left behind' as such because I am married also, and very happily so.

It just feels weird now, and I don't understand why.

― random stranger, Monday, 9 January 2006 11:38 (twenty years ago)

You should invite them round for dinner. When they arrive, you should be wearing nothing but a thong.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Monday, 9 January 2006 13:12 (twenty years ago)

have a wipe-swapping get-together.

― latebloomer: Let's just say I do for bullshit what Stonehenge did for Rocks (lat, Monday, 9 January 2006 14:18 (twenty years ago)

do you feel the same way when your same-sex friends get married? if not maybe you actually wanted to jump his bones.

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 9 January 2006 14:34 (twenty years ago)

seven months pass...

i think you secretly wanted to shag the pants off your friend and/or harboured feelings for them that werent entirely platonic. its pointless being friends with people of the opp sex that you want to sleep with unless you really know exactly where the lines are and are fine with that.

― tigertiger (tigertiger), Friday, 8 September 2006 10:29 (nineteen years ago)

What the fuck would you know?

― Why does my IQ changes? (noodle vague), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:12 (nineteen years ago)

fuck off

― tigertiger (tigertiger), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:17 (nineteen years ago)

have you thought about travelling? 6 months in vietnam and laos might cheer you up?

― -- (688), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:19 (nineteen years ago)

what to do when a girl you meet wants a platonic relationship and you want more?

― Why does my IQ changes? (noodle vague), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:21 (nineteen years ago)

isn't Projection a beautiful thing?

― Angel In Love With Her Own Pedals (kate), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:23 (nineteen years ago)

Yes. Also, creepiness.

― Why does my IQ changes? (noodle vague), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:25 (nineteen years ago)

zzzzzzzz
thats ONE platonic relationship and one im no longer posting or talking about. i think im allowed one moment of insanity. and i do have plenty of other relationships in my life to draw on. so again, STFU. k, thanx.

― tigertiger (tigertiger), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:28 (nineteen years ago)

I am merely questioning your competence as an arbiter in matters of this ilk, sir.

― Why does my IQ changes? (noodle vague), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:30 (nineteen years ago)

Oooh, tetchy, isn't it? You just go back to lining up your teddy bears on your bed and having "relationships" with them, little boy.

― Angel In Love With Her Own Pedals (kate), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:30 (nineteen years ago)

yeah, whatever. listen, you go back to having hysterical, batshit insane moments about your ex, okay, then come back and tell me about my apparent teddy bear projections, big girl.

― tigertiger (tigertiger), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:36 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.vokr.com/vokr/stalker-presunuti.jpg

― Why does my IQ changes? (noodle vague), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:37 (nineteen years ago)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v356/kenjuggle3/stalker.gif

― Angel In Love With Her Own Pedals (kate), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:38 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/images/regulars/stalker.jpg

― Angel In Love With Her Own Pedals (kate), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:39 (nineteen years ago)

why did you revive this thread, and the other one, tigertiger? it seems kind of strange, the two of them right after the other, both so closely related to the thread you're recognised for posting.

― except she got a little more ass (cis), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:39 (nineteen years ago)

Maybe it's for the fearful symmetry.

― C J (C J), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:42 (nineteen years ago)

Clearly, because making irrational, projection-based decisions and offering unsolicitied "advice" about other people's relationships is easier than actually growing up and dealing with his own.

― Angel In Love With Her Own Pedals (kate), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:43 (nineteen years ago)

DV's advice on this thread remains sound

― Ste (Fuzzy), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:46 (nineteen years ago)

maybe myanmar is a better option

― -- (688), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:46 (nineteen years ago)

i was browsing the archives and found these two threads. i did not mention anything really specifically related to the thread of my own, i did not link them or anything, i am not bait posting for sympathy or anything. but yeah, its something related to a few things i was thinking about so thats why i posted in them, thats what message boards are about, last time i checked. i didnt revive my own post, and i would rather it got deleted to be honest. but i have posted in some other threads not related to friendship/platonic problems, etc etc so its not like thats all im posting about. if you think im a douche for that thread or whatever, then fine, i dont give a fuck.

"Clearly, because making irrational, projection-based decisions and offering unsolicitied "advice" about other people's relationships is easier than actually growing up and dealing with his own."

right back at you, wise one. ironic when posts about your own past relationship troubles could make up a board of their own. but hey, lets not be pious.

― tigertiger (tigertiger), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:48 (nineteen years ago)

Oh, you clearly *do* give a fuck.

And that's what's making this such amusing Friday afternoon fun.

― Angel In Love With Her Own Pedals (kate), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:49 (nineteen years ago)

Do you two know each other in real life or something? Please don't fight!

― C J (C J), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:49 (nineteen years ago)

What other threads have you posted on? "So Not Going To Happen"?

― Why does my IQ changes? (noodle vague), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:51 (nineteen years ago)

For someone who's only posted on a tiny handful of threads, you appear to know Kate's posts pretty well.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:52 (nineteen years ago)

well then, how about you stop giving a fuck about my apparent lameness and concentrate on your own?

youre actually doing a search for my name? how fan-like and committed. i posted in ILM.

― tigertiger (tigertiger), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:53 (nineteen years ago)

youre actually doing a search for my name?

Again with the projection... This is like a Freudian field day! Hilarious!

― Angel In Love With Her Own Pedals (kate), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:56 (nineteen years ago)

Blimey!

― C J (C J), Friday, 8 September 2006 12:58 (nineteen years ago)

gareth's travel tipz are getting lost in all this :(

― a rapper singing about hos and bitches and money (Enrique), Friday, 8 September 2006 13:00 (nineteen years ago)

So at tiger tim's request I did do a search on his name, the results are pretty funny.

― Why does my IQ changes? (noodle vague), Friday, 8 September 2006 13:03 (nineteen years ago)

he requested it? you two bored today or something?

― sunny successor (katharine), Friday, 8 September 2006 13:07 (nineteen years ago)

[confused.jpg]

― Young Fresh Danny D (Dan Perry), Friday, 8 September 2006 13:10 (nineteen years ago)

Also tipsy.

― Why does my IQ changes? (noodle vague), Friday, 8 September 2006 13:10 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.visit4info.com/sitecontent/LG/fullZZZZZZTVC060304114636PIC.jpg

― Why does my IQ changes? (noodle vague), Friday, 8 September 2006 13:13 (nineteen years ago)

Kate jumps all over both of tiger's revives and noodle searches for his other posts yet he's the stalker?

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Friday, 8 September 2006 13:13 (nineteen years ago)

Yep. It's only stalky if you HAVE THE INFORMATION IN YOUR HEAD.

― Why does my IQ changes? (noodle vague), Friday, 8 September 2006 13:15 (nineteen years ago)

So I can keep my scrap books?

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Friday, 8 September 2006 13:16 (nineteen years ago)

Come on! I don't stalk anyone except TSM.

― Angel In Love With Her Own Pedals (kate), Friday, 8 September 2006 13:19 (nineteen years ago)

The snitching at tigertiger here is.. a bit vile, actually.

― Nicholas Passant (Nicholas Passant), Friday, 8 September 2006 14:01 (nineteen years ago)

Do you hate fun, Nicholas?

― Angel In Love With Her Own Pedals (kate), Friday, 8 September 2006 14:01 (nineteen years ago)

No, but I do hate the fact that I said 'snitching' when I meant 'sniping'.

― Nicholas Passant (Nicholas Passant), Friday, 8 September 2006 14:04 (nineteen years ago)

The snitching at tigertiger here is.. a bit vile, actually.

I agree.

― Ste (Fuzzy), Friday, 8 September 2006 14:22 (nineteen years ago)

"Do you hate fun, Nicholas?"

i find theres more fun in taking the piss out of sanctimonious women who look like theyve been winning their local pie eating contest ten years in a row.

― tigertiger (tigertiger), Friday, 8 September 2006 14:33 (nineteen years ago)

Oh dear. You've just pissed all over my sympathy.

― Nicholas Passant (Nicholas Passant), Friday, 8 September 2006 14:36 (nineteen years ago)

That was a refined, highly civilized remark intended to get to the crux of the matter and settle it in an adult fashion, tigertiger, and I salute you for your wit, maturity and forebearance.

xpost

― M. White (Miguelito), Friday, 8 September 2006 14:36 (nineteen years ago)

yeah, way to go. think i'll stay out of this one.

― Ste (Fuzzy), Friday, 8 September 2006 14:37 (nineteen years ago)

Also, why 'local'?

― M. White (Miguelito), Friday, 8 September 2006 14:37 (nineteen years ago)

mmm, pie

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Friday, 8 September 2006 14:37 (nineteen years ago)

anyone with a problem with kate and noodle here needs must check tiger's 'previous'.

― a rapper singing about hos and bitches and money (Enrique), Friday, 8 September 2006 14:38 (nineteen years ago)

"Oh dear. You've just pissed all over my sympathy."

fair enough. id think the same if i were you. i didnt come in this thread to have a go at anyone though.

― tigertiger (tigertiger), Friday, 8 September 2006 14:44 (nineteen years ago)

PLAYGROUND FITE!

― teh_kit is a pantomime villain! (g-kit), Friday, 8 September 2006 14:45 (nineteen years ago)

"Also, why 'local'?"

well, id venture she doesnt travel because shes too busy taking potshots at people on ILX. it is endless friday fun after all!

― tigertiger (tigertiger), Friday, 8 September 2006 14:47 (nineteen years ago)

can anyone link to whatever started this? i missed the kickoff.

― teh_kit is a pantomime villain! (g-kit), Friday, 8 September 2006 14:49 (nineteen years ago)

it 'started' when i revived this thread. nothing else, to my knowledge.

― tigertiger (tigertiger), Friday, 8 September 2006 14:53 (nineteen years ago)

That insult doesn't really make much sense anyway, I mean as an insult that is. Have you ever seen the women who win eating competitions? They're all Paris Hilton sized!

― Allyzay is cool: with Blue n White, with Eli Manning, with NY Giants (allyzay), Friday, 8 September 2006 15:02 (nineteen years ago)

Thank goodness for bulimia!

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 8 September 2006 15:04 (nineteen years ago)

Vile? This has brightened my morning immeasurably. I mean, Tiger's pronouncement upon revive was kind of hilarious, given his own recent problems (conflict of interest), but he got a terrific zing back at Kate back in the teddy-bear days -- everyone was holding their own for a second there!

Thread-topic: presumably the key is that when your close opposite-sex friend starts dating someone, you should do a good job of befriending that person, so the whole transition where he/she becomes significantly more important than you isn't weird. I mean, this goes for same-sex friends, too.

(The only weirdness with opposite-sex friends it that ... well, when your same-sex friends marry, it's like they're stepping into a role you might plan on having, so it's just that they did it before you; with an opposite-sex friend, assuming everyone's heterosexual, they're stepping into a role you want someone to assume for you, and so it can be strange to watch them become for someone else a thing that you'd like someone to do for you. Not them, necessarily, but still.)

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 8 September 2006 15:19 (nineteen years ago)

i guess theres always taiwan. largest aboriginal population in the world. although, it has to be said, some of them have problems with their friends too. maybe you should stay home after all

― -- (688), Friday, 8 September 2006 16:54 (nineteen years ago)

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