language barrier relationships: C/D

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I'm interested in the experiences of those who've had long term romantic relationships where there was a language barrier. Was the barrier ultimately a positive or negative force on the relationship?

But also talk about how a lack of smooth/fluent verbal communication, within the context of a friendship or a one-night stand or any sort of relationship, adds an ineffable and rare sort of charm and intimacy.

― a regal trolley (aaron a), Thursday, 4 May 2006 21:09 (nineteen years ago)

positive here - miscommunications can be chalked up to duh although bizarrely you're (maybe?) more focused on actually listening or trying to understand the other person, there's clearly an element 'well this obv isn't too serious huh' + physical aspect probably getting more play in compensation, and yeah ineffable charm or whatever. PLUS: you both got translators now and if you or they are trying to learn their or your tongue (almost definitely the case) it's an effective way. positive positive positive.

― j blount (papa la bas), Thursday, 4 May 2006 21:18 (nineteen years ago)

yes, positive. it's harder to read things into what they're saying.

― Good Dog (Good Dog), Thursday, 4 May 2006 21:25 (nineteen years ago)

My ESL (English as Second Language) teacher told me once "the best way to study a language is in bed". She was actually right as you pick up stuff that you don't usually get in school (little everyday things).

I can't say the language barrier played any significant role in any of my relationships. The only exception is that when i discuss something important (for the relationship) i have to be much more careful in choosing words which is a difficult thing to do when you're upset/excited. Sometimes i have to choose not to discuss an issue altogether if i can't express myself clearly enough.

― scnnr drkly (scnnr drkly), Thursday, 4 May 2006 21:34 (nineteen years ago)

oh and for the positive side:

i can turn my internal translator off when my bf discusses gardening with his friends.

― scnnr drkly (scnnr drkly), Thursday, 4 May 2006 21:38 (nineteen years ago)

I've had them where it was a great way to show mutual respect by each of us learning the other's language/culture and had others where the chasm between us was unbridgeable. Upon reflection, I think it's no different, really, with someone who is as culturally and liguistically similar to you as possible.

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 4 May 2006 21:43 (nineteen years ago)

I'm amazed by how active some people's love lives are... the idea of having *Several* relationships with a language barrier.... Man.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Thursday, 4 May 2006 22:06 (nineteen years ago)

A very negative thing, as far as relationships go. For me it only hinders any kind of intimacy as it destroys the natural easy back and forth flow of conversation and rapport, of jokes, mainly, which is what I base all close relationships on.

― Ally C (Ally C), Thursday, 4 May 2006 22:12 (nineteen years ago)

My personal experience has been that it can be good for the relationship in the sense that there is always this additional aspect of learning about the other person out there, plus the "concentration on the other person" aspect that blount suggests. But when there are serious issues, it is almost always harder to work them out -- i chalk up the end of both of my relationships partially to language-related miscommunication.

― someone let this mitya out! (mitya), Thursday, 4 May 2006 22:26 (nineteen years ago)

this kind: Bush criticises Record Which has The US anthem Sung In Spanish ?

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 4 May 2006 22:33 (nineteen years ago)

I've had a very positive experience with one (marrying her in two weeks). absolutely true about really listening to the other person. During 'serious conversations' each person ends up saying a lot more with far fewer words.

Also, language barrier becomes less over time as language ability improves. There's a kind of special language understanding that forms, so that comprehension far exceeds what would normally transpire between two people with the same abilities. (if that makes sense)

Potentially bilingual kids is a plus

Of course there are many challenges associated with it as well.

― Super Cub (Debito), Thursday, 4 May 2006 22:36 (nineteen years ago)

Dating someone from another culture who is not 100% fluent can force you to be a lot more direct with the other person, as nuance and "coded" signals are often lost to both linguistic and social barriers. Dealing with issues like exclusivity, jealousy, expectations etc. in a perfectly plain manner is kind of necessary, and really cool if you're able to do it, but very frustrating if you cannot. Also, hearing sweet nothings in another language is kind of sexy/awesome.

― Laura H. (laurah), Friday, 5 May 2006 00:04 (nineteen years ago)

I don't know if I can genuinely say there's a language "barrier" in my relationship -- when we were first together four years ago she was basically fluent but had a lot of things she didn't understand or mistakes she would make -- even since then I think she's become noticeably more fluent to the point that now there's almost no trace of language difficulty.

At the beginning it was actually fun because she would say funny-sounding things and I thought it was cute and endearing and we would laugh. I almost miss that.

― Abbadavid Berman (Hurting), Friday, 5 May 2006 00:51 (nineteen years ago)

Positive... less gets deconstructed by the other party as they cut the others more slack as it's not their first language.

Negative... I had so many rows over supposedly innocent comments made over IM and email - without the facial expressions, so much more room for misinterpretation. However this could be more to do with the fact she was a rather firey Italian...

― Treblekicker (treblekicker), Friday, 5 May 2006 11:32 (nineteen years ago)

I dated someone who spoke entirely in 1337speak. It was resoundingly, fantastically positive.

― RoxyMuzak© (roxymuzak), Friday, 5 May 2006 12:25 (nineteen years ago)

Classic. My language barrier relationship didn't last, but it wasn't because of that. Like people said above, one of the best parts about it is that there's a lot less subtext in coversation. Also, it's kind of fun learning to say things in a way which you know will be understood - one weird side effect of that relationship for me was speaking and writing with fewer contractions! Now, I sometimes have to consciously insert contractions into my writing.

― Dominique (dleone), Friday, 5 May 2006 12:46 (nineteen years ago)

I was in a language barrier relationship where I was the one who had inferior language skills. (I was in Colombia, he was Colombian, no cocaine jokes please) He spoke no English and my Spanish was pretty good, but I found myself being more frustrated than he was, since he could express himself perfectly and I could understand it, appreciate humor, etc. but I didn't have the ability to be funny in Spanish yet, at least not on purpose. In spite of this, it was an overwhelmingly positive experience. So, CLASSIC.

― The Milkmaid (82375538-A) (The Milkmaid), Friday, 5 May 2006 12:53 (nineteen years ago)

There's a language barrier in just about every relationship.

My wife's English is very good indeed; nevertheless, I think our relationship has improved pretty much directly with my increase in German skills. What others have praised as a lack of subtext has revealed itself in the course of both of us getting better in the other's language as a failure to understand some important subtle stuff. I also think that there are some uncomfortable power dynamics at play when two romantic partners communicate exclusively in the native language of one of them. Third-language relationships (e.g. he's German, she's Brazilian, the relationship runs in English) strike me as really suspect, and I think there's a danger of wishfully assuming a depth to the relationship that you could never really know. It's not something I'd be interested in long term, given how much talking deeply about stuff is important to me in a relationship.

What's really fun and fulfilling is when you're both genuinely bilingual -- there's a whole other level of subtlety in conversation available to you. The only sacrifice is that I can't spell in English any more, and my wife has lost her ability to use commas correctly.

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Friday, 5 May 2006 13:05 (nineteen years ago)

My great-grandparents didn't speak even little bits of a common language when they met, and they ended up getting married. She picked up Spanish and he learned tiny bits of languages she knew.

― Allyzay Rofflesbot (allyzay), Friday, 5 May 2006 14:36 (nineteen years ago)

I'm going to say classic cause it's working for me but there are definitely some things to deal with cf. Ally C's comment, but I have to think about it better.

― Tracey Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 5 May 2006 14:44 (nineteen years ago)

Perhaps for me it is comparable to translation of poetry (which I see as a waste of time). It only struck me at a certain point just how limiting it can be for someone who is even, say, 80% fluent. It becomes much harder to be interesting/funny in another language simply because everything takes that second longer to process and tiny moments pass you by. Therefore you are never quire reaching your full potential in a relationship with someone who doesn't speak your language, perhaps.

― Ally C (Ally C), Friday, 5 May 2006 17:11 (nineteen years ago)

i wasn't in a "long-term" relationship, but my experience was...ambivalent? She was a super-fluent Swiss girl, who spoke French and English fluently, and bits of German and Italian. The problem was that because she was SO fluent, I forgot that there was still a language barrier, so off-kilter, specifically American jokes and subtle cues still flopped, which was awkward. I almost would have preferred a more obvious barrier. Instead, I just seemed like an unfunny jerk sometimes.

― gbx (skowly), Friday, 5 May 2006 17:15 (nineteen years ago)

The flipside of that, Ally, is one of the great things I remember from when I first met the lovely Emma B, when she wasn't nearly so good at English as she is now: sometimes I would realize that I had nothing to say. When each sentence is an effort to phrase just so, and an effort to decipher, you quickly notice that many things that pop to mind aren't worth the all that trouble. With someone else who's grown up in your culture, there's always something to say, a pop-culture allusion that doesn't really go anywhere, a third-hand mimicking of a way of speaking that everyone apparently agrees is funny, etc etc. I quickly realized how much of my conversation involved media touchstones which just didn't exist for her. So we often found ourselves just walking in silence, and when we spoke it was really something to speak about.

― Tracey Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 5 May 2006 17:27 (nineteen years ago)

Whereas my experience has been almost the exact opposite: I talk much more in foreign languages than English, because a lot of pointless small talk I don't engage in normally is something of an accomplishment to get out in a second language. Although yes, you sort of have to resign yourself to a life without pop-culture and media references.

― someone let this mitya out! (mitya), Friday, 5 May 2006 19:13 (nineteen years ago)

E, unfortunately I ground all my closest relationships in talking about nothing exactly as you describe. Perhaps when I grow up I will find real things to talk about. Perhaps not.

― Ally C (Ally C), Saturday, 6 May 2006 01:54 (nineteen years ago)

the last one knew one English phrase - "Shut up". Took a lot of pressure off. Great for weedheads

― dave q (listerine), Saturday, 6 May 2006 07:02 (nineteen years ago)

There's a language barrier in just about every relationship.

Yes, I was about to say this.

― Nathalie (stevie nixed), Saturday, 6 May 2006 07:51 (nineteen years ago)

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