How does one integrate himself into a new social group?

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There’s a bar right around the corner from where I live. I frequent the bar about three to four times out of the week for the past 4 months or so but I still feel like I’m an outsider. I sit at the bar by myself and I see tables full of regulars having fun and talking away and I guess it makes me kinda lonely. It’s extremely hard for me to initiate conversation in a way that is not awkward. I think in my time there I have had only one conversation that went well there and that’s only because I was really high and had someone give me 2 straight hours of ‘pep talk’.

Okay here’s the really problem. Say there’s a table of 2 pretty girls talking to each other. How would one jump into their conversation without coming off as creepy or rude. They’re regulars I think, but I would hate asking anyone else about them because that makes me look like a weird-o and then word could get back at them. I mean, is the fact that I come in the bar and drink by myself weird enough?

Oh and by the way, this isn’t the only bar in town but it’s the only one in a 10 mile radius that isn’t a sports bar, a wings place or Hooters.

― Leonard Hatred (Who wants penis cake?), Thursday, 1 June 2006 04:58 (nineteen years ago)

Walk up to the girls and ask them if they'd like to suck on deez nuts, obv.

― The Notorious ESTEBAN BUTTEZ (ESTEBAN BUTTEZ~!!!), Thursday, 1 June 2006 05:00 (nineteen years ago)

why don't you just hang out with all your alter-egos? there's enough of you to have quite a party.

― estela (estela), Thursday, 1 June 2006 05:02 (nineteen years ago)

gangsta andy partridge got locked up for dealin' crack :-(

― The Notorious ESTEBAN BUTTEZ (ESTEBAN BUTTEZ~!!!), Thursday, 1 June 2006 05:10 (nineteen years ago)

(his nickname for the crack rocks was "fuzzy warbles")

― The Notorious ESTEBAN BUTTEZ (ESTEBAN BUTTEZ~!!!), Thursday, 1 June 2006 05:11 (nineteen years ago)

lol estela

― Q('.'Q) (eman), Thursday, 1 June 2006 05:27 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/lookaroundyou/images/music_psilence.jpg

― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 1 June 2006 12:54 (nineteen years ago)

Ask the girls if they have a light, even though you may not smoke.

― Konal Doddz (blueski), Thursday, 1 June 2006 13:02 (nineteen years ago)

Why not offer them some of your penis cake?

― harmonic generator, haircuts are for losers (kate), Thursday, 1 June 2006 13:04 (nineteen years ago)

is there a jukebox?

― Enrique IX: The Mediator (Enrique), Thursday, 1 June 2006 13:05 (nineteen years ago)

Introductions are in order

LMAO

― Courtney Gidts (ex machina), Thursday, 1 June 2006 13:24 (nineteen years ago)

I love how polite and fluffy Jon is in that thread and then Jess jumps up and barks at him.

Actual answer to this question is to make friends with the most popular girl in the group (warning - this means you will probably never do sex with her).

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 1 June 2006 13:36 (nineteen years ago)

That thread is why I became an ILX dick.

http://www.umc.org/atf/cf/%7B808166EA-5A43-4F52-8B7D-7473402BB5A9%7D/movie_review_sith_image1.jpg

― Courtney Gidts (ex machina), Thursday, 1 June 2006 13:41 (nineteen years ago)

Oh my god Jon that thread is teh cuetest.

― Allyzay Rofflesbot (allyzay), Thursday, 1 June 2006 13:41 (nineteen years ago)

Is this a bar where someone takes orders at the tables, or do people have to go up to the bar? If you're next to wherever they're going to stand to order drinks, you're in position to start a conversation.

It’s extremely hard for me to initiate conversation in a way that is not awkward.

Then initiate conversation in an awkward way and laugh it off. Or wait until they're talking about something you know when you're coincidentally standing nearby and do the "I couldn't help overhearing but I also used to work at a pizza shop" thing where you share an interest.

I wouldn't take any advice though, since I like being the creepy guy at the bar and hate when people try to talk to me.

― mike h. (mike h.), Thursday, 1 June 2006 13:43 (nineteen years ago)

Oh my god Jon that thread is teh cuetest.

And I posted the first response -- so surprising!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 1 June 2006 13:44 (nineteen years ago)

Classic or Dud: Asking the haven of the socially unacceptable and awkward, THE INTERNET, for advice on becoming socially acceptable and unawkward

― Jessie the Monster (scarymonsterrr), Thursday, 1 June 2006 13:57 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah, I remember 1994 too.

― Allyzay Rofflesbot (allyzay), Thursday, 1 June 2006 13:58 (nineteen years ago)

Hi, what's your name?
"whah-whah-whah-whah"
Oh, just thought I'd ask, since I see you here all the time...

― dave's good arm (facsimile) (dave225.3), Thursday, 1 June 2006 14:17 (nineteen years ago)

The first thing you have to do is befriend the bartenders. Tip them well. Make them laugh. Do them favors. If you're alone, sit at the bar, not at a table. Even where there's table service, everyone at some point comes to the bar. Do not say anything to the regulars that's too contrived but be willing to be spontaneous. Above all else, relax, ffs, and if you can't do that, have a couple of drinks, but not so many that they give you a nickname.

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 1 June 2006 15:22 (nineteen years ago)

Take a book with you and start reading in the bar on quiet afternoons (busy evenings are the hardest time to speak to anyone). If the establishment allows you to bring food in, ask the bartender if he or she would like you to pick anything up (since they're stuck behind the bar). As an introduction, or after a couple of rounds when you're feeling settled, you might offer the bartender a drink on YOU, (ie "I'll have another bottle of Bud and something for yourself") and pay the tab for both orders. Even if they don't take you up on the offer, it's guaranteed to warm the cockles of a bartender's heart.

― Laurel (Laurel), Thursday, 1 June 2006 15:29 (nineteen years ago)

ah, the warm cockles of a bartender's heart.

― jhoshea (scoopsnoodle), Thursday, 1 June 2006 15:33 (nineteen years ago)

You know, JUST FOR THE RECORD, I have never gone home with a bartender, okay?? Jesus, lay off.

― Laurel (Laurel), Thursday, 1 June 2006 15:37 (nineteen years ago)

(Joek based on last Friday's heckling.)

― Laurel (Laurel), Thursday, 1 June 2006 15:38 (nineteen years ago)

Stage a not-because-you're-drunk fall-down, they help you up, "thanks, I'm [insert name here] btw" and OMG conversation. Even more effective if you are genuinely clumsy.

Also, if there's a jukebox, put some money in and ask if they've got any requests.

― mummy wrapped in bacon (nickalicious), Thursday, 1 June 2006 15:43 (nineteen years ago)

Richard Curtis is reading this thread...

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 1 June 2006 15:45 (nineteen years ago)

act like you own the place, be friendly with the bartenders, complement an item of clothing as the leadin if possible.

― j blount (papa la bas), Thursday, 1 June 2006 15:56 (nineteen years ago)

I'm taking notes here. I generally act like an ass, the wheat seperates from the chaff, and I gain new, tollerant, humerous friends with a taste for the odd. That is not what I recommend, however.

Wow, we're all being nice here. The Introductions thread is downright cuddly.

― Fluffy Bear (Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows), Thursday, 1 June 2006 16:17 (nineteen years ago)

>I frequent the bar about three to four times out of the week for the past 4 months or so but I still feel like I’m an outsider. I sit at the bar by myself <

I hate to say it, but I think you've already done a lot of damage there. You are now the loner guy, and there may already have been serial killer jokes made. Can you bring a friend with you sometime, so the crowd can see you laughing and having a good time.

― nicky lo-fi (nicky lo-fi), Thursday, 1 June 2006 20:35 (nineteen years ago)

blount's post reminds me of that heinlein book that starts out "if a guy walks in talking like a hick and acting like he owns the place, he's a spaceman."

― J.D. (Justyn Dillingham), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:13 (nineteen years ago)

How does one integrate himself into a new social group?

One doesn't. One fucks off.

― breathny spears let me see the sex that you did. (noodle vague), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:15 (nineteen years ago)

Go for a largeish mixed-sex table who aren't all obviously couples, and say 'mind if I join you?' Easier said than done, I know, but I did it all the time when I was travelling on my own, despite feeling quite inadequate. Have one beer for courage first, though.

― chap who would dare to be a nerd, not a geek (chap), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:17 (nineteen years ago)

i think the best way to get in with a crowd like that is to insinuate yourself one person at a time. break them down individually and set them against one another. soon you'll be the only person everyone likes and you'll rule the bar.

― gear (gear), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:17 (nineteen years ago)

Then nominate the two who threaten you most.

― breathny spears let me see the sex that you did. (noodle vague), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:20 (nineteen years ago)

try going with a friend, that might help you loosen up. if you're going to a bar by yourself and actively looking to talk to people, you're probably going to feel a little self-conscious and have trouble initiating conversations. this way if you don't meet anyone cool, just talk with your friend and hey, maybe next time.

― J.D. (Justyn Dillingham), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:27 (nineteen years ago)

"I hate to say it, but I think you've already done a lot of damage there. You are now the loner guy, and there may already have been serial killer jokes made."

See, this is what I feared. I feel that everyone is talking about me and what you have said makes it clear that there could be a strong possibility. I think I have gone into no-man's land of isolation and my state of affairs is completely irreversible. Still, I'll try to follow some of the well sounding advice in the thread. I doubt it can make me seem more of a bigger creep than what people think I am already.

I wish there was a way to introduce myself IRL like on Jonathan Williams's thead. Gee, wouldn't it be neat to go up to people and say "Hi I'm so and so, I'm into the films of Alejandro Jodorowsky, Phil Spector and fashion photography."

― Leonard Hatred (Who wants penis cake?), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:31 (nineteen years ago)

Phil Spector made some shite films.

― breathny spears let me see the sex that you did. (noodle vague), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:32 (nineteen years ago)

complement an item of clothing as the leadin if possible.

oh i do this all the time. "wow! that's a great dress. is it marc jacobs? no? oh, h&m, really. well i'll be darned. well hey, i'm phil. i have some horny straight friends to introduce you to over there. why don't you come with me, etc. you'll love them!" if they're girls, i say camp it up a bit.

but actually, i think nicky lo-fi is OTM.

― phil-two (phil-two), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:33 (nineteen years ago)

for extra creep factor just put ""Hi I'm so and so, I'm into the films of Alejandro Jodorowsky, Phil Spector and fashion photography." on a t-shirt and wear it to the bar. Proceed to point to it at inappropriate moments.

― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:37 (nineteen years ago)

Also another problem: most, if not all, of the people I know in the area are under the drinking age so I can't drag them to bars.

― Leonard Hatred (Who wants penis cake?), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:38 (nineteen years ago)

anyhow, i dont think you'll find a new circle of friends to hang out with by approaching strangers at a bar.

― phil-two (phil-two), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:40 (nineteen years ago)

yeah approaching people I don't know in bars has never achieved any desirable end results, in my experience. your mileage may vary though.

― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:43 (nineteen years ago)

maybe you shouldn't go out drinking 3-4 times/wk

― gear (gear), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:44 (nineteen years ago)

how does anyone afford that anyway? cheaper to stay home and get drunk.

― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:46 (nineteen years ago)

but it's very depressing to drink by yourself at home. At least at a bar one would have the *possibility* of interaction.

― Leonard Hatred (Who wants penis cake?), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:51 (nineteen years ago)

Not in your case, apparently.

― breathny spears let me see the sex that you did. (noodle vague), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:53 (nineteen years ago)

(dickish, frankly)

― remy (x Jeremy), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:54 (nineteen years ago)

A few drinks in front of the TV on your own seems much less depressing than a few drinks in a bar on your own to me.

― chap who would dare to be a nerd, not a geek (chap), Thursday, 1 June 2006 22:56 (nineteen years ago)

How long until we turn this into a thread about alcoholism? I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

― tremendoid (tremendoid), Thursday, 1 June 2006 23:02 (nineteen years ago)

I mean, your question is worth answering anyway(so by all means...whip your dick out etc.) but the elephant in the room is getting hella hungry.

― tremendoid (tremendoid), Thursday, 1 June 2006 23:06 (nineteen years ago)

i hope that when 'leonard' creates his next persona he at least attempts to disguise his voice and to come up with a different kind of dilemma.

― estela (estela), Thursday, 1 June 2006 23:11 (nineteen years ago)

reading in a bar = teh lam0rzzZ

― Q('.'Q) (eman), Thursday, 1 June 2006 23:26 (nineteen years ago)

Well, I'm talking about drinking as an excuse to become sociable and everyone else is talking about drinking for drinking's sake.

Oh and estela I wish I knew what you are going on about.

― Leonard Hatred (Who wants penis cake?), Thursday, 1 June 2006 23:42 (nineteen years ago)

Stop visiting the bar for a few weeks, maybe a month. That way when you come back the bartenders and any regulars who remember you as being creepy will think you actually had something to do and aren't quite as creepy as they originally thought. Then don't go so frequently. Seriously. I understand being lonely, but you'll have to find another outlet. Get involved in something else in the area. Volunteer somewhere. Join a book club or a hunting club or a chili lover club. Keep yourself busy and try a bunch of different things and you will eventually have friends to socialize with and you won't feel the need to get in with established groups at the bar. Usually you go to the bar with your group, not go to the bar to get in with the group. I go to bars with friends from work, just for a good time, not looking to meet anyone new. If some guy sat at our table and started talking to us we'd be amused for one night, maybe, but the next time we saw you it'd be like, hey... you're that guy!! Bye now.

― Rebekkah (burntbrat), Friday, 2 June 2006 00:16 (nineteen years ago)

xpost

There was a time when I loved going out alone, but I would never sit at the bar by myself. I always picked a place that had pool tables or darts to play. Friendly competition, no matter your skills, is an easy way to meet people. I don't know if you play chess, but a chess board is magical. You can never find somebody to play, until you pull out a board and start moving the pieces around a bit. Then they start forming a line.

― nicky lo-fi (nicky lo-fi), Friday, 2 June 2006 00:36 (nineteen years ago)

I really dont know if bars are much of a place to meet people at all. I dont know why it persists that that's where you go to meet people. I mean if I'm at a bar with a girlfriend and we're having a quiet (usually private) chat together on the couch about our boys or something, and some guy comes over, sits next to one of us and (usually) just stares and says nothing - that is creepy and unpleasant. I had to once say to a drunk older guy who did this "please, we're just trying to talk, we're not here to meet people can you not stare at us" and he got aggressive and shouted "THATS WHAT A BAR IS FOR YOU BITCHES" and had to be thrown out :/

Um. Anyway. Likewise, even a chirpy "hey hows it going" *sit next to total strangers* approach wont always work - I imagine most people would think "um, whos this nong" and feel awkward.

Other places gotta be better to actually properly meet/talk to people because its part of the scenario anyway - like Rebekah says above, book clubs, geeky LAN meets, AA meetings, fuck if I know.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 2 June 2006 00:38 (nineteen years ago)

Mosh pit bonding is where it's at.

― shieldforyoureyes (shieldforyoureyes), Friday, 2 June 2006 00:43 (nineteen years ago)

rebekkah and trayce otm. much better off getting involved with something that is designed to get people interacting together. the plus side is that these people are generally geeks and doofuses too! alcohol is frequently involved with these sorts of things anyway, so there's no need to worry about lack of social lubrication.

― AaronK (AaronK), Friday, 2 June 2006 02:17 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah I'm starting to think "LAN meet" is bad idea, unless the OP really is after meeting a bunch of BO'ed spotty nerdlingers.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 2 June 2006 02:30 (nineteen years ago)

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