Recontextualise classic ILX exchanges as played by well-known comic actors

Richard Beckinsale: Why can't SGE and this young lady boff all they want? Neither is married, although I'd be worried for the state of Sven after Nancy rips his crown jewels to shreds.

Ronnie Barker: Really Pinefox, this prurience is most startling.

Fulton McKay: Are you sure? I have not heard 'boff' before. I am not married, neither, so why can't I 'boff'? Unlike SGE, I was not in a long-term relationship neither.

Ronnie Barker: Of course you can boff. It's not to my knowledge against the law. I'm having a fit of the giggles now.

Richard Beckinsale: Also, Nancy didn't seem overly bothered about Ulrika, so maybe they have a fairly open relationship? xpost

KEVIN ELDON: you are so a TART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you are scenester trash, you trollop, you strumpet, you filthy piece of soulless zombie harlotry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STEVE COOGAN: I didn't even call you a tart that time and you just suddenly blurted out your usual defense. Have you developed tarty paranioa? I sudenly feel guilty about all this. I will only call myself a tart from hence on.

MARK HEEP: I am so hurt that i have not been called a Tart. Dont you love me MR Hanel y.

STEVE COOGAN: No, I'm the tart now. You see, it sall about self -tartisation. I retreived my inner tartiness form the black depths of the mind hole. Now I have glory and marmite on my nipples.

Donny Most: I would so sleep with you gear.

Henry Winkler: Viva La Sam, I know a great spot in Central Park where the daisies are in bloom and the hobos are plentiful.

FELICITY KENDAL: yes she is in though i hope she sees sense and stops comparing sonny sharrock to noel Gallagher. What's the point in all this philosophy if you are going to do that?

MR HUMPHRIES: I think it would be even better if you walked up to a group of people already deep in conversation and said, "Pardon me. I am so sorry for interrupting you, but I need to make a proposition to this fine lady..."

MRS SLOCOMBE: Actually, to be truly chivalrous, you have to ask their father first.

MR LUCAS: What if you don't fancy him?

BERNARD BRESSLAW: Where is this hypersexualized environment, then? Is there a bus?

http://www.nndb.com/people/170/000026092/youngman6.jpg

FIN

ROSE MARIE:Just get lunch. It is the only way she will learn.

PETER MARSHALL:oh and she just now moaned "do me in the ass" which makes this even more awkward. or hilarious, depending on your POV. It's getting funnier now.

PAUL LYNDE: Yell, "okay, hang on, let me find the lube"

MARTY ALLEN: "Wanna eat?"

MCLEAN STEVENSON: I think you should at least set up the tape recorder, Shut Up Little Man-style.

JOAN RIVERS: Do you have a copy of "We Like To Party" handy?

PAUL LYNDE: do you have an answering machine in the living room? if so, give me the number, I'll call and say "______, he's in his room and he can hear you... abort mission!"

VINCENT PRICE: just add comentary..

YES, DO HER IN THE ASS

PETER MARHSALL: she's befouling my heretofore innocent couch!!!

PETER MARHSALL; I should just quietly walk out there with a bag of chips and sit in the corner and watch until they spot me.

LILY TOMLIN: is she hot?

MCLEAN STEVENSON: How do you know where that couch has been?

ART JOHNSON: Post about it to ILX! That'll teach her!!

CHARLEY WEAVER: "do me in the ass"

"HEY GUYS IM GOING TO GET BURRITOS YOU WANT BURRITOS IM GONNA GET SOME"

JOAN RIVERS: WEBCAM

PAUL LYNDE: either that or bust out 'Face Down, Ass Up"

ARTE JOHNSON: Oh, and pictures please, etc.
(heh, x-post)

PETER MARHSALL: I bought that couch new and sure I've had my fun on it but man no ass sex that's for damn sure.

PETER MARSHALL: my roommate is hot when you don't live with her or know her well.

CHARLEY WEAVER: Just walk out and say "Oh hey, is this CARLOS?" Unless of course his name is CARLOS, in which case, go back in your room.

PETER MARHSALL: okay in five minutes I'm walking out there, consequences be damned. I need to eat.

PAUL LYNDE: time them, then draw up scorecards based on performance

Stamina: 5
Variety: 2
Dismount: 7

Also, you could grab some pompoms and stand in the corner cheering, "gimme an F, gimme a U, gimme a C, gimme a K, yeahhhh, fuck her in the ass! wooooo!"

MCLEAN STEVENSON:Yesterday was the Jess anticipation, today we have PETER MARSHALL. WHAT WILL TOMORROW BRING?

JOAN RIVERS:"Dismount"!!!!!!!!!

PAUL LYNDE, you are a genius.

(sorry, not "classic" enough probbers)

BERT: No, I'm saying it would be funnier if said by a floating glowing skull and a man who looks suspiciously like Edgar Allan Poe, is all, Ernie.

BRIAN DAWE: the truth comes out

(had to do an Aussie one to offset the balance!)

Apparently he is old and dead so how am I supposed to have heard of him anyway?

Chandler: Have you heard of Abraham Lincoln?

Ross: They still show his films a lot - he is certainly among the most famous ever, and in many great films, and many more ordinary ones.

Phoebe: Cowboy films according to Dom. I've never seen a cowboy film in my life!

KERMIT THE FROG: because all iranians are like that.

MISS PIGGY: None of the Iranian women I know would tolerate that! For a start, if she was a Shah supporter he would say he was half-Persian, so yeah, you can read a lot into how people choose to describe themselves. See Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi (I've interviewed her and we talked about this stuff for ages so don't try it).

KERMIT THE FROG: oh i wouldn't dare try question your ability to sum up the entire iranian womanhood especially since you know Marjane Satrapi (how did i know you would try to get a connection into that reply). Marjane Satrapi, i'm sure, speaks for all iranian women on the big brother question while suzy speaks for all women on the cowboy boot question.

MISS PIGGY: I do what I do, ergo I know what I know. Try it some time.

KERMIT THE FROG: ok i'll try to... do what i do.

(at the moment it is unclear whether this digression will result in a classic exchange. i am cautiously pessimistic.)

at this point, i don't even know if i mean it or not! AMAZING!

HUGH LAURIE: I hear they just do a wee wee under the table.

STEPHEN FRY: So efficient!

it's good tho, i guess, to not clog the thread itself up with complaints about the thread.

xpost well duh Matt!

Phoebe: SEE IT'S NOT JUST ME! thank you Rachel!

I think I might now start arguing that John Wayne is Not Really Famous.

Rachel: Oh, I do know that John Wayne is super-famous. I just don't know anything about him. The only western I've seen is Calamity Jane.

Miranda: wow, ILX in backslapping circlejerkery shocker.
this is why i'm trying to fabricate a 'CLASSIC EXCHANGE'. nobody is gonna jerk us off, kaet
:INSERT TEARS HERE(

Charlotte: A lot of it is just AIM with an automatic, publically accessible bacup, really, isn't it?
Which is OK, really.

Carrie: Exactly! Which is what's great about it.
But also why those types of threads just seem like the ILX equivalent of "I love 2002" or something. Only with less funnies and more annoying talking heads to provide yak and "commentary".

Miranda: you forgot to include the phrase "C-list cunts"

Tony Booth: Gordon Brown can't make his move over Iraq - he's already given TB a blank cheque for the war effort while doing his usual distancing job on policy so any disasters don't stick to him. The opportunity would come this winter or next year I'd guess, after any initial crisis is resolved. But for him to move I think Labour would need to slip in the polls - he's not *that* popular in party or country, he's made quite a few enemies, and it would need plenty of waverers to concede it was electorally time for a change. Of course Blair might step down.

Warren Mitchell: G Brown = fuckin' cigarette-price-raising shit-ass. I hope he gets assassinated. Blair's OK

LATER

JOHN MCCAIN: I know collegehumor.com = lame, but haha
BLACK: HUH
SAMANTHA BEE: that's pretty funny though.
ROB CORRDRY: is that funny because of the choking warning?
COLBERT: Did you really thing you'd get away with posting a collegehumor link, McCain?

"C-list cunts"

ESTHER ROLLE: Kitties don't even talk like that.

Paulie Walnuts: Chris have you ever even actually done the stuff? you might as wellve just called the thread 'better than sex' haha
-- simon trife (#$$...), September 25th, 2002 10:05 PM. (simon_tr)

Artie Bucco: Erasure's "A Little Respect" -- instacharge of energy. :-)

Christopher: Yeah, or "better than not being annoyed by a basehead from Athens." Now get out of my thread, bitch.

Paulie: motherfucker I HIT EM UP

Silvio Dante: dude -- "cocaine" is better than cocaine with clapton's smooth guitar work i mean damn. more rappers should work with clapton.

Christopher: I'm being serious here: stop being a destructive arsehole. I don't want to get moderators involv- no, wait, I do. I want you tossed out of here because I can't fucking post anything withour your punk ass interfering with your unfunny bullshit and your personal attacks.

Paulie: hey how about instead you eat my ass you clueless cum bubble

i haven't heard of any of the other so-called 'well-known' comic actors apart from the sex & the city girls.

i haven't heard of any of the other so-called 'well-known' comic actors apart from the sex & the city girls.

especially the ones in the opening post! they have such ordinary names.

Jon Stewart:
Oy Vey! The googlers!

Richard Lewis:
Married fat guy, people. Don't believe a word.

Paul Rudd: cmon, just tell us already.

Steve Carell: Still pictures are 400x better than videos!

Paul Rudd: yeah, who wants to have to phone tech support halfway through a shufty?

David Koechner: if it was www.creditcardcompanyphonesupportwithshitontheirfaces.com I wouldn't call either.

Paul Rudd: I don't have a problem admitting I pay for porn. But it was a certain kind of fetish site, with the details blatantly stated in the site's url.
You may as well tell us what it is because the reality cannot be any more perverse than that what we're imagining it is in our minds right now

Will Ferrell: Ok, it was fullyclothedpissing.com

Michael McKean: did you hear about

David L. Lander: hear about what?

Michael McKean: about the

David L. Lander: dunno

Michael McKean: did you hear about the

David L. Lander: ur confusing me

Michael McKean: sorry, where did you hear about the

David L. Lander: what the hell is the???

Michael McKean: It is in the

David L. Lander: okay whatever. i still dont get it

Dan Akroyd: shut up you overbearing teedle

Gilda Radner: A TEEDLE MEEEEEEEEEEE! erm, whats a teedle?

rainn wilson: yesterday we all pretended to be Scooby Doo characters on the stairwell for the departmental Christmas card.

g spot vibrator advice, plz

^ jess wanted to do Designing Women for this one but I pointed out that the TNG Movies came out *AFTER* Designing Women....

And yes - when your body takes over, that is Something. Saffy was coming so fast and the nurses told me, "dont push!" - but they might as well have said, "stop a train with your body." You can't do anything but go along. (Thankfully, an ER doc made it up the stairs to my room to catch Saffy.)

PATSY: For me, putting the epidural needle in was one of the more painful parts - but I had it about 7 hours in, and about 8 hours before Spencer was even close to being ready to be born. One thing no one told me about the epidural, though, was that THEY LET IT WEAR OFF SO YOU CAN PUSH. After 8 hours of no pain, to be thrown right back into hard labor was just awful... But I do agree with Eddie - once it got to the pushing stage, I didn't feel pain other than the labor pains - the whole vaginal area was too stretched out and numb from the pressure.

Also, if you're like me, and you tear and a couple days later decide if you want to see the stitches, do not be surprised or alarmed if your vagina is BLACK WITH BRUISING. I almost screamed out loud.

Fred Mertz: Sounds good. Time to head for the ponderosa with and air rifle.

Ricky Ricardo: This isn't some kind of metaphor. God damn, this is REAL.

Is that deliberately a Shellac parody or is Steve Albini stalking us?

CARLA: jess is pretty hott but she's got too much of a fucking mouth on her.

CLIFF: Okay... battle of the chiXors (ROUND 1) kate v ally, felicity v jess. winner A v winner B. Any other input? PS... are these choices valid or are they all duds?

NORM: i'm certainly a dud

FRASIER: I'm anxious about making judgements (after all, in the Rubens, 'to the left stands Juno who is angered by the choice, and to the right, turned away, Minerva, identifiable by the armour at her feet') but I'll say Mary, though I've never seen any images of her. Sorry if I'm jumping the gun. And sorry for actually answering the question as though I had an 'emotional stake' in it, if that offends anyone. (Is Jess female?)

NORM: only my undertaker knows for sure

REBECCA: wait JESS is a woman? I thought all of you LAFFED at me when i told my story of thinking jess was a woman named jessICA back on the "wish happy birthday to jess" thread earlier this year ? and now everyone is treating jess as a female? WTF? is there a mangina here???????????????

CLIFF: I hope so! Based on nothing: Round 1 results: kate over ally
jess over felicity. Round 2 POO: kate v jess

NORM: best thread evah

SAM: JESS over FELICITY? what kind of crazy world do you live in?

CLIFF: based on Vic's info:The hottest chick on the board is JESS! BOHICA (Bend Over, Here It Comes Again!)

NORM: fear the gaping mouth of my demon vagina

BILL: That cannot be real.

TED: WEIRD.

(from ExcelsiORLY? - The Excelsior Thread That Gives a Hoot)