The Thread for Terrible Advice

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1. Tired of your computer taking forever to start up, open documents, send and receive mail etc? Easily helped! Find out which firewall, virus protection and Internet security systems are installed on your machine and remove them!

2. Do you find your downloaded CDs to be a bit lacklustre without the original cover art? No problem! Just walk into your local record shop and grab the empty cover on display there. Since the shop is officially registered as selling CDs, by law they cannot stop you from taking empty covers!

― The Vintner's Lipogram (OleM), Tuesday, 11 July 2006 23:29 (twenty years ago)

I thought every thread on ilx fitted this thread description.

― Looking through pattern skies (papa november), Tuesday, 11 July 2006 23:34 (twenty years ago)

Heheh. Try to make some EVEN WORSE advice!

― The Vintner's Lipogram (OleM), Tuesday, 11 July 2006 23:36 (twenty years ago)

Tired of doing laundry all the time? Cut the armpits out of all your shirts and the crotches out of your pants and underwear!

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Tuesday, 11 July 2006 23:37 (twenty years ago)

I never thought of that!

4. (nicked from somewhere else I can't remember) Low-fat yoghurt too runny for your taste? Stir in a spoonful of lard!

― The Vintner's Lipogram (OleM), Tuesday, 11 July 2006 23:42 (twenty years ago)

5. Prevent skin cancer, by never leaving the house under any circumstances!

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 11 July 2006 23:44 (twenty years ago)

6. Want to spite your face? Cut off your oh noes!

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 11 July 2006 23:56 (twenty years ago)

Husband spending too much time working late with his comely secretary? Send her some sardine-scented bath oil for her birthday!

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Tuesday, 11 July 2006 23:57 (twenty years ago)

Overweight? Try helium suppositories!

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Tuesday, 11 July 2006 23:58 (twenty years ago)

life not working out for you? KILL YOURSELF!

― gear (gear), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 00:14 (twenty years ago)

Wife pregnant? KILL HER. Nobody will ever suspect you!

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 00:24 (twenty years ago)

Hate your job? Quit, and start a cottage industry! How hard could it be? People love homemade shit.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 00:26 (twenty years ago)

If your computer isnt going fast enough, put it in front of a heater! The heat will speed up the processor and make it go lots quicker.

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 00:39 (twenty years ago)

Worried you might be pregnant? Join the roller derby!

― Jessie the Monster (scarymonsterrr), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 01:50 (twenty years ago)

14. Post to ILX

― Abbadavid Berman (Hurting), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 02:02 (twenty years ago)

Think you have AIDS, but you can't afford the test? Fuck a wealthy person and then make him take the test.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 06:27 (twenty years ago)

Fuck him several times, just to be sure.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 06:27 (twenty years ago)

Tired of yoy girlfriend, but too awkward to say it? Dumb her via text message, girls love text messages.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 06:28 (twenty years ago)

my local recordshop complained about this a lot. they are now closed. :-(

― Nathalie (stevie nixed), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 06:38 (twenty years ago)

Ass to mouth is a good idea.

― Bobby Ganush (Uri Frendimein), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 06:54 (twenty years ago)

if you are worried about spending too much time on the internet, google 'internet addiction' and read all 34,500,00 results.

― estela (estela), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 07:31 (twenty years ago)

But the solution to all your troubles is getting your own wiener in your mouth.

― Bobby Ganush (Uri Frendimein), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 07:32 (twenty years ago)

5. Prevent skin cancer, by never leaving the house under any circumstances!

This is the doctrine that I do try to live my life by.

― emil.y (emil.y), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 13:02 (twenty years ago)

Tired of your dog humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its cock!

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 13:15 (twenty years ago)

ONLY eat carbs.

― celebrity mole: hawaii (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 13:16 (twenty years ago)

If you're finding petrol too expensive, try using a cheaper alternative such as bleach or sparkling mineral water.

― Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 13:17 (twenty years ago)

Make friends with Muslims and help bridge the cultural divide by going up to them and saying that their mother is a terrorist whore.

― Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 13:19 (twenty years ago)

if the firefighters are taking too long to put out your brush fire, use your leftover beer.

― celebrity mole: hawaii (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 13:23 (twenty years ago)

Tired of fuckos in the government? Have faith in your fellow citizens to vote them out!

― DAVE's secret to fortu-Oh look! Shiny! (dave225.3), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 13:40 (twenty years ago)

have faith in your politicians to run on-the-level campaigns!

― celebrity mole: hawaii (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 13:46 (twenty years ago)

Too much smog and air pollution in your city? - just stop breathing!

― Ste (Fuzzy), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 13:55 (twenty years ago)

Wan't to know if your Mammie has brain damage? Look her straight in the ass and ask her!

― Bats (Bat), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 14:01 (twenty years ago)

Single and lonely? Start a blog about it!

Spoken for and loving it? Ditch them now so as to go out on a high!

― Konal Doddz (blueski), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 14:04 (twenty years ago)

Where can i download electro mp3s?

― Rev. PappaWheelie (PappaWheelie 2), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 16:08 (twenty years ago)

#1 is actually good advice

― a.b. (alanbanana), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 16:42 (twenty years ago)

Is she avoiding your calls? Does she keep her doors locked and not answer when you show up at 3 in the morning? Ignore the restraining order, these are all actually signs that she loves you and wants to be with you. Climb in through her window, or maybe wait outside her work for her to get off.

― choinklate (nickalicious), Wednesday, 12 July 2006 16:47 (twenty years ago)

Domineering boss? Punch him in the nose! People appreciate directness.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Thursday, 13 July 2006 13:25 (twenty years ago)

Weather iffy? Don't try to get some little piddly bit of work done before it rains. See if you can get your name in the top twenty of the user list of your favorite message board!

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Thursday, 13 July 2006 13:28 (twenty years ago)

Save on postage by paying bills quarterly instead of monthly.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Thursday, 13 July 2006 13:35 (twenty years ago)

anxious about bills and final demands and bailiff warrants stacking up against you? don't open any of the letters and it'll all go away eventually.

― beeble (beeble), Thursday, 13 July 2006 13:42 (twenty years ago)

When drunk & feeling lonely, text old girlfriends (or boyfriends) they'll be glad to hear from you.

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Thursday, 13 July 2006 13:43 (twenty years ago)

It's a good idea to sit slunched over all day, and to rest your wrists on the desk in front of your keyboard. It will make you strong like ox.

― choinklate (nickalicious), Thursday, 13 July 2006 13:44 (twenty years ago)

If you drink coffee on an empty stomach and start to feel spazzy, drink another coffee! Your stomach will be less empty as a result!

― Earwig oh! (Mark C), Thursday, 13 July 2006 13:53 (twenty years ago)

coworkers love it when you whistle all day

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Thursday, 13 July 2006 14:21 (twenty years ago)

Haha although this is taken a bit out of context this bit from the very start of thread pregnant ans sick as a dog sent me back here:

the heart burn is murder

Eat plain white French bread.

(Or is it just me?)

― The Vintner's Lipogram (OleM), Thursday, 13 July 2006 21:44 (twenty years ago)

tuomas,

ur boyfriedn dumbs u via text mail cuz he thinks its cool???
make sure he gets fired from his job ( ull figure out sth)

oh, text mails are nasty

― bam psycho (bam_psycho), Friday, 14 July 2006 05:35 (twenty years ago)

Uh, yeah, I'll se too that.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 14 July 2006 05:47 (twenty years ago)

wank yourself a lot, it makes you feel nice

― oninism@spunk_in_my_sock.gov.uk (the_article_don), Friday, 14 July 2006 08:21 (twenty years ago)

That's not terrible.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 14 July 2006 08:42 (twenty years ago)

Late for work already? Check ILE one more time.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Friday, 14 July 2006 12:29 (twenty years ago)

Feeling drunk and argumentative? Go on, stay and have another beer and try to make your point again. People will respect you for your refreshing honesty and well-thought-out debating skills.

― ailsa (ailsa), Friday, 14 July 2006 12:36 (twenty years ago)

If you're a guy and going on a first date, dress up as a clown. Girls love men with a sense of humor.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 14 July 2006 13:42 (twenty years ago)

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