LITTLE MAN

etc.

I'm trying to remember the quote attributed to Wilde about how there's nothing so hilarious as a crying child.

seriously why in the hell did you go? just b/c you were drunk?

I don't think I could get drunk enough to see this.

THIS IS NOT A FAMILY FILM.

92Q's Pork Chop: Let's all give a big hand to [Allied Distribution Rep] Jenna for bringing us this movie tonight. Take a bow, Jenna.
[applause]
Pork Chop [still mic'd and booming through the theater]: Hey Jenna, you wanna come with us to the club later? You like 151 Jenna? You gonna like it tonight.

Okay, that I'm fine with.

http://www.orlajohannes.com/gallery/albums/wpw-cb/photo_02_jacynthe.jpg

Pork chop, pork chop
Greasy, greasy
We'll beat your team
Easy, easy
('Cuz we eat...)
Meat, potatoes
Green beans and cornbread!
Meat, potatoes
Green beans and cornbread!

That has nothing to do with the conversation, I just like sharing it because it irritates her when people she doesn't know go "PORK CHOP PORK CHOP!" at her because of my big mouth.

63 USA Today
Scott Bowles

Almost in spite of itself, Little Man manages to deliver big laughs. It's not enough to make it a consistently funny movie, but this one-trick pony from the Wayans brothers has flashes of humor and sincerity that almost save it from its disastrous ending.

Read Full Review
-
63 Boston Globe
Wesley Morris

I laughed at the Wayanses' movie, and I don't even hate myself for it.

Read Full Review
-
63 Philadelphia Inquirer
David Hiltbrand

An extremely broad and sometimes crude comedy.

Sincerity, yo!

http://us.movies1.yimg.com/movies.yahoo.com/images/hv/photo/movie_pix/columbia_pictures/white_chicks/_group_photos/frankie_faison1.jpg

Writer - filmography
(In Production) (2000s) (1990s) (1980s)

1. The Munsters (2006) (announced)

2. Little Man (2006) (written by)
3. White Chicks (2004) (screenplay) (story)

4. Most Wanted (1997) (written by)
5. A Low Down Dirty Shame (1994) (written by)
... aka Mister Cool
6. The Five Heartbeats (1991) (written by)
7. Hammer, Slammer, & Slade (1990) (TV)
8. "In Living Color" (1990) TV Series (creator)

9. I'm Gonna Git You Sucka (1988) (written by)
10. Eddie Murphy Raw (1987) (opening sketch)
... aka Raw (USA: short title)
11. Hollywood Shuffle (1987) (written by)
... aka Robert Townsend's Hollywood Shuffle (USA: video title)

Filmography as: Actor, Producer, Writer, Director, Himself, Archive Footage

Director - filmography
(In Production) (2000s) (1990s) (1980s)

1. The Incredible Shrinking Man (2008) (in production)
2. Homey the Clown (2007) (announced)

3. Little Man (2006)
4. White Chicks (2004)
5. Scary Movie 2 (2001)
... aka Scarier Movie (UK)
6. Scary Movie (2000)

7. A Low Down Dirty Shame (1994)
... aka Mister Cool
8. "In Living Color" (1990) TV Series

9. I'm Gonna Git You Sucka (1988)

and what's Damon been up to, you ask?

http://ec1.images-amazon.com/images/P/0790729334.01._AA240_SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg

featuring:

-Brian Cox
-Stephen Tobolowsky
-Nikki Cox

ah, life in 1996 was so much simpler.

And you all should really, really click that link, just to experience the magic for yourself

i want to know who the fuck was clamoring for this movie to be made.

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vs.

http://www.minorlooneytunes.com/pictures/finster004.jpg

http://imdb.com/chart/bottom

  1.  1.8  Phat Girlz (2006)  1,610
  2.  1.8  Troll 2 (1990)  3,355
  3.  1.9  Going Overboard (1989)  2,564
  4.  1.9  From Justin to Kelly (2003)  10,210
  5.  1.9  Santa with Muscles (1996)  3,721
  6.  1.9  SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)  4,370
  7.  1.9  3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998)  1,766
  8.  1.9  Backyard Dogs (2000)  1,685
  9.  2.0  Little Man (2006)  2,633
  10.  2.0  Car 54, Where Are You? (1994)  1,138
  11.  2.0  .com for Murder (2002)  826
  12.  2.0  Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006)  3,067
  13.  2.0  House of the Dead (2003)  8,360
  14.  2.0  Glitter (2001)  7,335
  15.  2.0  Chairman of the Board (1998)  1,236

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0367677/

OH MY GOD THE QUOTES SECTION. POOR COOLIO.

187: Did I ever tell you how many times I'd see you and want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas... All the times I stayed up late, high as a kite, in the non-gravitational atmosphere, while I stroked my anaconda, and dreamed about your snow-white ass
Humvee: All that bloodsuckin', that's some white people shit.

Casper Van Dien .... Capt. Abraham Van Helsing
Erika Eleniak .... Aurora Ash
Coolio .... 187
Alexandra Kamp-Groeneveld .... Mina Murry (as Alexandra Kamp)
Grant Swanby .... Arthur "The Professor" Holmwood
Langley Kirkwood .... Orlock
Tommy 'Tiny' Lister .... Humvee
Udo Kier .... Capt. Varna

IN MY QUEUE.

Terrible on so many levels, none more than the memory of watching it with my bedridden, cancer-stricken dad. :-(

what the fuck

that is just...so sad:( i'm sorry.

Caught part of it on cable, and holy cow, this review sums it up better than anything I could write:

There's a difference between being nitpicky and finding genuine faults in something. For example, pointing out that Darth Vader is about a foot taller than Anakin Skywalker is nitpicky. Saying that "Little Man" is a stupid, unfunny abortion of a film is noting a genuine fault.

The Wayans family's latest dim-witted fart comedy is even worse than its last one, which was called "White Chicks" and was about two black men who unconvincingly disguise themselves as white women. "Little Man" has an even less tenable premise: An extremely short crook disguises himself as a baby in order to infiltrate a suburban home where a diamond is hidden.

You may recall the exact same plot being used in the 1954 Bugs Bunny short "Baby Buggy Bunny." I note two major differences: That film was a cartoon, and it was only seven minutes long. You accept a lot of unlikelihoods and flat-out impossibilities in a cartoon, and you can buy ANYTHING for a few minutes. But for an hour and a half? Acted out by real people? That's a tall order.

"Little Man" (directed, as usual, by Keenen Ivory Wayans and written by him and his brothers Marlon and Shawn) fails on every level, first and foremost because everything that occurs in it is one of the following:

a) Illogical.
b) Impossible.
c) Contrary to what a real person would do in the situation.
d) All of the above.

Just watching the film's trailer, one spots about 11 plot holes. They are not resolved in the film itself. On the contrary, they are multiplied.

I'll run it down for you: An ex-con named Calvin (Marlon Wayans), who stands about 3 feet tall (it's Wayans' head superimposed on the body of a midget in some scenes, on a toddler in others), steals a diamond with his accomplice, a thug named Percy (Tracy Morgan). With the cops on his tail, Calvin drops the ice into a woman's purse in a convenience store, then follows her home so he can retrieve it. He dresses up as an abandoned baby, leaves himself on the woman's doorstep, and spends several days being cared for by the woman, named Vanessa (Kerry Washington), and her husband Darryl (Shawn Wayans).

Almost immediately, there is a problem. No one at the crime scene saw Calvin, as he was hidden in Percy's duffel bag the entire time. The cops are looking for someone matching Percy's description. Calvin could walk down the street with the diamond in his pocket and not be suspected of anything. He has no need to hide the diamond anywhere, let alone someplace stupid like a stranger's purse. (You're a career criminal and THAT'S your go-to maneuver when evasive action is called for?)

And why is it necessary to LIVE in the house for a weekend to get the diamond back? Why not just burglarize the place in the middle of the night? And why would the diamond remain in the woman's purse? The rock is HUGE, and it's Vanessa's everyday-use purse. Surely she would notice it.

And if a baby showed up on your doorstep, wouldn't you call the police? Vanessa and Darryl consider it, but the "baby" "cries" at the mention of the word "police." So they keep him instead. I'm sorry, movie, but that is unacceptable.

And then you consider the major problem: CALVIN LOOKS NOTHING LIKE A BABY. He is approximately the same height as a particularly tall toddler, yes. But he has all his teeth. He has facial hair, which he shaves off for the mission but which surely would grow back over the course of the weekend. (He can never get away from his foster parents long enough to make off with the diamond, but somehow he's finding time to shave every morning?) He has the face of a full-grown man. When changing his diaper, the adults marvel at his manly genitalia. (I hate to ask, but did he shave down there, too?) He has a tattoo. Everything about him suggests he is an adult -- yet because he's short and dressed like a baby, they figure he must be a baby.

Well guess what, morons. I can put a sweater on my dog, but that doesn't make him Cliff Huxtable.

And then there's the way Calvin behaves, i.e., not at all babylike. I've noticed this phenomenon often in bad comedies about people working undercover: They never try very hard to fit in. Whereas a real person would do his utmost to play the part accurately, people in movies keep acting like themselves. I guess the juxtaposition is supposed to be funny: "Look, that cop is posing as a Korean shop-owner right now, but he keeps acting like Martin Lawrence!" But it doesn't make any sense.

As a baby, Calvin leers, ogles and paws at women, Marlon Wayans mugging in a most unseemly and embarrassing fashion. He gives a hot friend of Vanessa's a tongue kiss. He puts the moves on Vanessa herself, in fact, and it is implied he has sex with her without Darryl's knowledge. And still, no one suspects anything is amiss.

It is clear that Vanessa and Darryl -- and perhaps also the Wayanses -- have never encountered actual children before. I say this because Baby Calvin is presumably young enough to require breast-feeding and diaper-changing, and not to be expected to speak, yet is also presumed old enough to have all his teeth and to play touch football with the boys in the backyard.

Darryl decides to throw a birthday party for Baby Calvin, just for fun. He decides this on a Saturday night. Sunday afternoon, the yard has an inflatable castle, a hired dinosaur-costumed entertainer, and a couple dozen kids and their parents. It is the most lavish, expensive and carefully planned impromptu party in movie history.

(By the way, that costumed entertainer is played by Rob Schneider. Leave it to the Wayans Brothers to find a way to make an awful movie even worse.)

The police figure out the diamond thief was probably Calvin, so they alert the news media. Vanessa's grumpy old father (John Witherspoon) recognizes the "WANTED" posters, yet rather than calling the police to tell them a dangerous crook is posing as a baby in his daughter's house, he confronts Calvin himself.

Later, when the jig is up, Calvin hands the diamond over to a cop and yet the cop doesn't realize who Calvin is. This must be the officer's thought process: "Hey, it's that diamond that was stolen by that really short criminal! The one whose mug shot I've been seeing at the precinct the last couple days! The one who looks just like the baby who just handed the diamond to me! Thanks, baby! Coochie-coochie-coo!"

In sum, then, here is the problem: Every single character in this movie is stupid. Dumb characters can be funny, of course, but only when their dumbness is acknowledged -- think "Dumb & Dumber," "Tommy Boy," etc. If the movie doesn't KNOW its characters are stupid, there's no humor in it. There is instead deep frustration and dissatisfaction, irritation at having to endure the foolish behavior of people who, if they had a lick of sense, would act to prevent all this nonsense from happening.

You might be thinking: Eric, chill out. You're over-thinking it. Why must you look for reasons not to laugh at this movie?

But that's not how it works. I don't look for reasons not to laugh; my not laughing makes me look for the reasons why. I think: Why am I not laughing? What is it about the movie's premise or execution that has prevented it from being funny?

Let me leave you with an example of the razor-sharp verbal comedy the Wayanses have assembled. It is a conversation between Vanessa's old dad and someone else:

SOMEONE ELSE: You should be castrated!
OLD DAD: What?! There's nothing wrong with my bowel movements! I go two, three times a day!

Get it? Because he confused "castrated" with "constipated." GET IT?!! Please kill me.

Grade: F

from a 4-star review on Netflix for this piece o shit:

I can't believe some people don't like this movie. It must be because they are in a depressive state and has loss some of their sense of humor. If you have a sense of humor, check it out.

1 out of 1 members found this review helpful

this movie was only slightly less disturbing than ichi the killer

curiosity killed the cat, little man killed my soul.

― feed latebloomer (latebloomer), Saturday, January 20, 2007 12:53 PM (5 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink