"I hate to say it, but..."

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Do people approve or disapprove of this rhetorical construct? Do you use it? When do you use it? Have you found it more helpful or hindering to your style of discourse?

― The Android Cat (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:32 (nineteen years ago)

let me tell you something...

― jhoshea megafauna (scoopsnoodle), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:35 (nineteen years ago)

....I was only kidding!

― researching ur life (grady), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:36 (nineteen years ago)

Dan, I really did hate to say that Shakey was OTM.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:36 (nineteen years ago)

I don't know about you, but...

― The Milkmaid (82375538-A) (The Milkmaid), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:36 (nineteen years ago)

It's helpful for telling uncomfortable or unpalatable truths.

― M. White (Miguelito), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:37 (nineteen years ago)

I have used it to defend Alex Rodriguez and other loathsome people/things.

― polyphonic (polyphonic), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:37 (nineteen years ago)

"I do grudgingly declare..."

― 2 american 4 u (blueski), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:37 (nineteen years ago)

Every now and then I like to toss "Needless to say." into a conversation. I don't add anything.

― Maria :D (Maria D.), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:39 (nineteen years ago)

Now that I think about it I generally end up saying lots of things that I hate to say over the course of a day. Maybe I should try a different approach.

― diebold with a vengeance (nickalicious), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:39 (nineteen years ago)

At the end of the day, I'd call it a win-win.

― timmy tannin (pompous), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:40 (nineteen years ago)

"I hate to say it, but have a nice day."

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:40 (nineteen years ago)

No offence but...
I'm not complaining, but...

― Cressida Breem (neruokruokruokne?), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:41 (nineteen years ago)

"I'm completely passive-aggressive, but..."

― Beth S. (Ex Leon), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:43 (nineteen years ago)

"I'm not one to *insert verb here* but..."

― Dadaismus (Takin' Funk to Heaven in '77) (Dada), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:44 (nineteen years ago)

"no offense" is the worst.

― horseshoe (horseshoe), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:45 (nineteen years ago)

"Far be it from me..."

― Dadaismus (Takin' Funk to Heaven in '77) (Dada), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:46 (nineteen years ago)

Almost all of these qualifiers are used so someone can say something without being held entirely accountable for their words. I'd admire people who can just be dickish without worrying about offending people.

― Beth S. (Ex Leon), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:47 (nineteen years ago)

"At the end of the day..."

― schwantz (schwantz), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:47 (nineteen years ago)

"Far be it from me..."

... which is really an odd thing to say when you think about it! Very mediaeval!

― Dadaismus (Takin' Funk to Heaven in '77) (Dada), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:48 (nineteen years ago)

(many xposts: Hahaha Ally!)

I often think that using "I hate to say it, but..." undermines the point you are about to make, largely because it seems like you can't let go of a bias/prejudice long enough to admit that a person or position you normally disagree with has validity in this situation. I tend to think that using it makes people unnecessarily defensive and impedes discussion; I was wondering what other people thought.

― The Android Cat (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:48 (nineteen years ago)

"listen, dude, you know i love ya, but"

― kingfish prætor (kingfish 2.0), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:50 (nineteen years ago)

in the south we like to bless people's heart before insulting them.

― sunny successor (katharine), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:54 (nineteen years ago)

"i don't intend any disrespect but"

― gear (gear), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:55 (nineteen years ago)

Ho, Sunny! Someone has pointed out to me that in the South you can say almost anything about anyone as long as you end with "...bless 'em."

― Laurel (Laurel), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:58 (nineteen years ago)

what it really boils down to is...

― researching ur life (grady), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 18:58 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.wvxu.org/schedule/images/ClickandClack.jpg

"Even though Robert Siegel does another story on assisted suicide every time he hears us say it, this is NPR."

― Django Blowhardt (Rock Hardy), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 19:04 (nineteen years ago)

"I'm not being funny, but..."

(no you are incapable of humour you laugh-free fuck)

― suzy (suzy), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 19:08 (nineteen years ago)

"Try not to take this the wrong way but..."

― Dadaismus (Takin' Funk to Heaven in '77) (Dada), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 19:13 (nineteen years ago)

LET me ask you something

― m coleman (lovebug starski), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 19:17 (nineteen years ago)

May I just insert one purely objective critique...?

― researching ur life (grady), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 19:25 (nineteen years ago)

I was always under the impression that this phrases connoted unmitigated GLEE.

i.e. "I hate to say it, sir, but you are a festering pustule on this entire organisation"

― Euai Kapaui (tracerhand), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 19:26 (nineteen years ago)

(Laurel I think more accurate is "bless her heart" ("..she just don't KNOW no better"))

― Euai Kapaui (tracerhand), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 19:27 (nineteen years ago)

"i take no pleasure in saying this, but"

― gear (gear), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 19:28 (nineteen years ago)

she means well, but...

― m coleman (lovebug starski), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 19:34 (nineteen years ago)

Hahaha or we could list every regional variant of "I hate to say it, but..." instead.

― The Android Cat (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 19:36 (nineteen years ago)

"no offense" is the worst.

-- horseshoe

i agree.

― sleep (sleep), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 19:42 (nineteen years ago)

(i disapprove of "i hate to say it, but...")

― sleep (sleep), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 19:43 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah but that's slightly difft -- "Not to be a complete cock about this, but..." only ever means one thing -- "I am about to be a complete cock so CLEAR THE DECKS and BATTEN THE HATCHES I'M COCKIN OUT"

― Euai Kapaui (tracerhand), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 19:44 (nineteen years ago)

"know what I mean?"

we watched a DJ Screw documentary a few ago and the frequency with which subjects used the above made it impossible to watch.

― Sam rides the beat like a bicycle (Molly Jones), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 19:46 (nineteen years ago)

...and I mean that in the best possible way.

― researching ur life (grady), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 20:28 (nineteen years ago)

"You're not going to like this..."

And usually, I don't.

― jel -- (jel), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 20:32 (nineteen years ago)

i think people use it when saying something that the other person might not want to hear, and so it serves to keep the speaker from sounding too self-righteous, vindictive, etc

― a name means a lot just by itself (lfam), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 20:35 (nineteen years ago)

"Oh no! You're going to be made redundant! Oh no!"

Would be better, I think

― jel -- (jel), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 20:41 (nineteen years ago)

I used it to vaguely insult everyone involved in the situation and impede discussion!! I usually don't use terms like that.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 20:42 (nineteen years ago)

My dad begins every request with "do me a favor, as a favor to me," often to cushion the blow of something horrific / impossible, but he switches it up so frequently you never really know what you're in for until the end of the sentence.

Examples:

"Do me a favor, please, as a favor to me, turn off the light in the laundry room when you're not in there?"

"Do me a favor, as a favor to me, let the cat out?"

"Do me a favor, as a favor to me, just give up your dreams and go work for the post office and get health insurance?"

etc etc etc

― Juan Milius (Roger Fidelity), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 20:48 (nineteen years ago)

Oh God, and in New York, we always had the abhorrent "Not for nothin,' but..."

Not for nuthin.' Is there anything worse that that?

― Roger Fidelity (Roger Fidelity), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 20:49 (nineteen years ago)

"make no mistake"

― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 20:49 (nineteen years ago)

I'm kind of fascinated with "not for nuthin", I never heard it before I dated someone from Rockland Cty.

― Laurel (Laurel), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 20:50 (nineteen years ago)

(we have Dubya to thank for over-using that one)

― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 20:50 (nineteen years ago)

x-post!

― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 20:50 (nineteen years ago)

"Even though Robert Siegel does another story on assisted suicide every time he hears us say it, this is NPR."

hee. I love Car Talk.

― horseshoe (horseshoe), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 20:54 (nineteen years ago)

Don't take this personally, but up 'til now we've been really patient and understanding with you and it's gotten us nowhere. Your fault not ours. Just sayin'.

― slugbuggy (slugbuggy), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 20:54 (nineteen years ago)

i've been trying to figure out a time when this is good to say, because i don't think it's that bad, but i can't think of an example. guess it is.

― Maria (Maria), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 21:35 (nineteen years ago)

"i don't mean to be a dick but..."

― gear (gear), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 21:36 (nineteen years ago)

OTM

― researching ur life (grady), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 21:37 (nineteen years ago)

I'm a big fan of using the phrase "to be honest" usually before telling a whacking great lie about something. Usually to feign ignorance of something. Or whether or not I'm enjoying whatever horrendous activity I'm engaged in.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 22:05 (nineteen years ago)

"I say this in a spirit of Christian love...."

― Stephen X (Stephen X), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 22:17 (nineteen years ago)

"With all due respect..."

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 22:24 (nineteen years ago)

"It's not you, it's me, but..."

― j.lu (j.lu), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 22:33 (nineteen years ago)

Totally tangent here:

Isn't the person you work with/ meet at a bar/ happen to stumble upon on MySpace/ see on Maury who's all "I say what I feel, that's how I am. If u think i'm a bitch/dick then fine I dont care. I'm TRUE and I don't have time for being polite." the biggest dud ever?

― researching ur life (grady), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 22:36 (nineteen years ago)

GIGANTIC DUD

― Fleischhutliebe! like a warm, furry meatloaf (Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 22:39 (nineteen years ago)

I think the phrase "I hate to say it, but..." is best used when complimenting or agreeing with someone.

Henceforth, whenever I feel the phrase bubbling up, I will use "I do grudgingly declare" instead.

(thanks blueski)

I just wish Ally would stop saying "i hate to say it, but..." all the time.

― Fleischhutliebe! like a warm, furry meatloaf (Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 22:40 (nineteen years ago)

I hate to say it, but kitties don't even talk like that.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 22:42 (nineteen years ago)

I hate to spray it on your butt...

― researching ur life (grady), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 22:42 (nineteen years ago)

"This may be 'PC' but..." With the air quotes or inflection exagerated for maximum sneer-factor.

― nickn (nickn), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 22:46 (nineteen years ago)

You LOVE to say that. (xxpost)

― Fleischhutliebe! like a warm, furry meatloaf (Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 22:52 (nineteen years ago)

stop, you fools! Ally is right. sometimes it's a good thing to stop discourse and throw doubt into the righteous. who wants to encourage arrogance by wholeheartedly supporting minor and rare victories? this phrase is fully functional.

― Kim (Kim), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 22:55 (nineteen years ago)

I do grudgingly declare that Kim is not entirely mistaken.

― Fleischhutliebe! like a warm, furry meatloaf (Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 22:58 (nineteen years ago)

I use it when I delight in saying something dickish, which is all the time.

― (9ò_ó)-o Q(^.^Q) (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 23:00 (nineteen years ago)

I hate it when I'm wrong, but Kim is totally right.

― researching ur life (grady), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 23:00 (nineteen years ago)

it can be ok sometimes....eg "I hate to say it, but I really like that new" single that you might not normally like, or song by artist you hate normally.

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 23:03 (nineteen years ago)

"alls i'm sayin is what's in my head, it's me, i can't help it" etc etc myspace blargh DENY DENY. yep, OTM.
xpost

also: what about the equivalent post-scripting?

e.g., today:
i'm walking down the street with a friend and there's this woman ahead of us wearing black satin pants and expensive patent high-heel boots and so her ass is greatly exaggerated.
me: "shiny"
my friend nods
me: "i'm an asshole.
not all the time though, right, haha."

― rrrobyn, the situation (rrrobyn), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 23:04 (nineteen years ago)

Or like:

"I hate to say this, but Butt Dickass OTM."

― researching ur life (grady), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 23:05 (nineteen years ago)

I don't know, I think the subtext of this phrase is often "I don't like having to say this, and would normally try to find a way to deal with this in some other way, but your behavior [or whatever] has driven me to the point where I have to say something."

Maybe with a dash of "I'm not intending to attack you, just to point out a problem that we need to deal with. We're both still on the same side, though, from my point of view."

And a pinch of "I'm taking the extra time to put this bit in front as a way of showing respect, if only as a formality."

i.e.

"I hate to say it, but the new song just doesn't work."
"Try not to take this the wrong way, but you've burned a lot of bridges over the past few weeks, and people are pissed off."
"No offense, but that outfit looks terrible on you."
"With all due respect [i.e. to your prior achievements, title, etc.], I think your conduct has been both scurrilous and contemptible."

xpost yes, "I just tell the truth" tactless fuckheads need to get the shit beaten out of them

― lurker #2421, inc. (lurker-2421), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 23:10 (nineteen years ago)

Maybe it's just a way of saying "I have bad news, brace yourself".

― lurker #2421, inc. (lurker-2421), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 23:11 (nineteen years ago)

"In the final analysis..."

― timmy tannin (pompous), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 23:14 (nineteen years ago)

NO OFFENSE but this topic has been covered before.

― Steve Shasta (Steve Shasta), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 23:18 (nineteen years ago)

this might sound bitchy, but... of course we've done this before. it's quintessential ilx!

sometimes i think that prefacing something this way just opens you up to more criticism. i mean, don't even plant the image in the first place.

― rrrobyn, the situation (rrrobyn), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 23:27 (nineteen years ago)

robyn, you're one of those "fuck politeness, i speak what's on my mind" people aren't you??!?!?

― researching ur life (grady), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 23:31 (nineteen years ago)

haha, not really. i am very polite! and diplomatic! but sometimes things are funny and sometimes they are bad and sometimes things have to be said. it's a fine balance btwn tact and wtf people look at the reality of the situation.

― rrrobyn, the situation (rrrobyn), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 23:43 (nineteen years ago)

Duh she is polite, she's CANADIAN.

― Laurel (Laurel), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 23:47 (nineteen years ago)

so i guess, yeah. more like "make sweet love to politeness, make it breakfast in the morning, go on one more date and then face facts that this thing isn't long term, it just doesn't feel 'right', y'know. bye :) :) :)"

haha xpost

― rrrobyn, the situation (rrrobyn), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 23:49 (nineteen years ago)

Maybe it's just a way of saying "I have bad news, brace yourself".

it is, but that's why it sucks. whenever anyone says a variant to me, I always get that sinking feeling before they even get to what they have to say, which often isn't even that bad. and then I'm freaked out for no reason.

when I do this, I usually just announce that I'm an asshole and then say whatever. like rrrobyn described, but in reverse.

― horseshoe (horseshoe), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 23:55 (nineteen years ago)

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