I Rate Euphemisms: One Word Synonyms for 'Penis'

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This poll deliberately omits all euphemisms or synonyms for penis that comprise two or more words, either singly or in the form of a compound word. Failing to do this would have made this poll unwieldy, and I submit there is nothing worse than an unwieldy 'penis' poll.

I apologize in advance if I have somehow omitted your favorite jargon word for penis. One does one's best to be comprehensive, but one falls short of perfection so easily. Sigh.

Please select your most-favored synonym, using criteria of your own choosing.

Poll Results

Option	Votes
cock	12
dick	6
wang	6
schlong	5
knob	4
dong	3
willy	2
pecker	2
johnson	2
prick	1
lingam	1
todger	1
wiener	1
pizzle	1
peter	0
tool	0

― Aimless, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 01:52 (seventeen years ago)

I went with "wang". "Cock" and "dick" are obviously classics, "knob" is fine when British people say it, and "dong" is alright in certain contexts. Most everything else on this list is the kind of aggressively stupid adolescent shit that never ceases to trigger my "would you please grow up?" reflex.

― bernard snowy, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 02:06 (seventeen years ago)

(for the record, I am also one of those people who thought He Poos Clouds was a completely awful and kinda gross album title)

― bernard snowy, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 02:07 (seventeen years ago)

http://images.ds.wigflip.com/J/3/MxcgZSLc8h.gif

― yungblut, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 02:08 (seventeen years ago)

Pecker was a pretty decent movie

Prick is definitely the worst

― milo z, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 02:12 (seventeen years ago)

http://

― Jimmy The Mod Awaits The Return Of His Beloved, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 02:16 (seventeen years ago)

http://www.prosportspictures.com/images/mlb/new-york-yankees/2006/06-chien-ming-wang-pitching-1-AAGZ237-sm.jpg

― Jimmy The Mod Awaits The Return Of His Beloved, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 02:16 (seventeen years ago)

xpost OTM with prick. Pretty close to 'cock', which has that beautiful cocking 'ck' sound, but instead prick just comes out all napoleon.

― yungblut, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 02:18 (seventeen years ago)

http://www.smh.com.au/ffximage/2006/05/10/markchopperread_narrowweb__300x357,0.jpg

― yungblut, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 02:24 (seventeen years ago)

schlong because it's the only one I can't say without lolling

― musically, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 02:32 (seventeen years ago)

you plonker, Rodney!

― Frogman Henry, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 06:29 (seventeen years ago)

I'm torn between nob - no k - schlong, and todger. Although todger is more hilarious when abbrievated to todge. I've been feeling schlong all year, but I don't know where I'd be without nob, so I'm'a vote for that.

― Noodle Vague, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 07:37 (seventeen years ago)

Cock is the best of these for telling cocks that they are being a cock, tho.

― Noodle Vague, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 07:38 (seventeen years ago)

schlong is good because it only describes big ones.

― ken c, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 10:36 (seventeen years ago)

knob sounds so affectionate.

― Autumn Almanac, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 10:36 (seventeen years ago)

There are some great band names to be had from that list e.g. Dick Dong & the Wangpeckers.

― NickB, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 10:41 (seventeen years ago)

All you new-fangled fancy-dans are wrong. Although it could just be that I'm a dundering old cockist.

― Just got offed, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 10:41 (seventeen years ago)

also, junk is missing

― ken c, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 10:42 (seventeen years ago)

squish

― RabiesAngentleman, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 10:50 (seventeen years ago)

wait wrong genitalia

― RabiesAngentleman, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 10:51 (seventeen years ago)

also, junk is missing
-- ken c, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 11:42 (9 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

junk is the whole trumpet and skittles, surely.

― Ed, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 10:53 (seventeen years ago)

cock. because it's so versatile as an insult: the growled, guttural "cock"; the mocking, low "coooock"; the high-pitched, jeering "coock!"

that said, if i was actually talking about a penis, i'd probably go with "knob" (or, as noodle vague rightly points out, the more correct "nob"). but i don't spend a lot of my days talking about penises, and i do spend far too much time surrounded by people who deserve to be called cocks.

so cock it is.

disappointed the west-of-scotland speciality "dobber" isn't on there, but such is life.

― grimly fiendish, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 10:59 (seventeen years ago)

This poll is missing "tockley".

― Trayce, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 11:00 (seventeen years ago)

Dobber is classic, yes.

― Noodle Vague, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 11:01 (seventeen years ago)

dinger

― ken c, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 11:05 (seventeen years ago)

sorry that was random

― ken c, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 11:06 (seventeen years ago)

trayce do you have to say tockley in a particular context?>

― ken c, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 11:09 (seventeen years ago)

My huge Wang...
http://user.cs.tu-berlin.de/~siebertr/compi/vs5e0.jpg

― snoball, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 11:15 (seventeen years ago)

Hampton

― Tom D., Tuesday, 8 July 2008 11:18 (seventeen years ago)

Chubb

― snoball, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 11:20 (seventeen years ago)

Definitely not seen on the back of an NFL jersey anywhere, no sir...

3RD LEG
3RDLEG
BONER
DIP STICK
DIPSTICK
HOSE
LOVE BONE
LOVE GUN
LOVE MUSCLE
LOVE PISTOL
LOVE ROCKET
MAGIC WAND
MAGICWAND
PUD
PUDD
SKIN FLUTE
SKINFLUTE
THIRD LEG
THIRDLEG

― snoball, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 11:28 (seventeen years ago)

love length

― Just got offed, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 11:31 (seventeen years ago)

Manhood

― Tom D., Tuesday, 8 July 2008 11:33 (seventeen years ago)

Percy

― Just got offed, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 11:35 (seventeen years ago)

omg yeah boner!

― ken c, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 12:29 (seventeen years ago)

Stauner (that's a Scottish boner)

― Tom D., Tuesday, 8 July 2008 12:36 (seventeen years ago)

yeah, extra terms for the erect member - boner, stiffy

― I am using your worlds, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 13:13 (seventeen years ago)

prong
pork sword
drill bit
"pussy on a stick"

― m coleman, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 13:16 (seventeen years ago)

oops @ one word. sorry.

― m coleman, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 13:17 (seventeen years ago)

"pussy on a stick"???????

― HI DERE, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 13:31 (seventeen years ago)

Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue

― Tom D., Tuesday, 8 July 2008 13:32 (seventeen years ago)

pussy on a highway

― ken c, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 14:19 (seventeen years ago)

no comments on lingham? i've never even heard that word before!

― CharlieNo4, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 14:22 (seventeen years ago)

crass lingham.

― Mark G, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 15:15 (seventeen years ago)

do you have to let him lingham

― ken c, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 15:18 (seventeen years ago)

"thing"

― caek, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 15:32 (seventeen years ago)

I voted for the singular version of my last name: Dick!

― Finefinemusic, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 15:33 (seventeen years ago)

Since pee-pee isn't on the list, I voted for willy.

― libcrypt, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 18:40 (seventeen years ago)

Willy was actually my choice as well, for reasons I'm not quite sure of.

― Bimble, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 18:41 (seventeen years ago)

"the thing"

2 words, but sounds so much better

― warmsherry, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 18:43 (seventeen years ago)

"the beast"

― snoball, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 18:48 (seventeen years ago)

not to be boring, but my answer is 'dick,' with 'cock' in a close second.

― Tape Store, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 19:51 (seventeen years ago)

xpost

if we're going to keep transgressing the one-word rule, "purple-headed yogurt squirter" wins by a country mile.

― grimly fiendish, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 19:53 (seventeen years ago)

^^^^

― Bimble, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 20:32 (seventeen years ago)

Pizzle. It has pizazz.

― Michael White, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 20:33 (seventeen years ago)

Pizzas?

― NickB, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 20:47 (seventeen years ago)

lingham? i've never even heard that word before!

lingam. It is the complement of yoni. You can look it up.

― Aimless, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 20:51 (seventeen years ago)

winkle

― czn, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 20:52 (seventeen years ago)

Yoni Mitchell and Lingam Ronstadt.

― NickB, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 20:56 (seventeen years ago)

At work last week someone with the last name 'D1cks' sent us an email telling us she had been married and had changed her name to 'J0hnson'. I laughed, but felt good that at least she had toned it down a notch.

Then I noticed she had attached a copy of her marriage certificate for our records, which I glanced over, and - I kid you not - marriage took place at a church on Boehner St.

― robertwolf8080, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 21:00 (seventeen years ago)

omg

― Tape Store, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 21:01 (seventeen years ago)

beefeater

― yungblut, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 21:04 (seventeen years ago)

plonker

― Autumn Almanac, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 21:30 (seventeen years ago)

"knob" (or, as noodle vague rightly points out, the more correct "nob")

Can someone please explain why? I've been trying to work it out for 10+ years.

― Autumn Almanac, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 21:30 (seventeen years ago)

Lil' kid rude words like "willy" and "bum" make me chuckle way harder than proper swearing.

― Bodrick III, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 21:51 (seventeen years ago)

xpost: yeah, not sure bout this either

knob=rounded protuberance
nob=the head, or a person of wealth or social importance

both work for me

― yungblut, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 21:53 (seventeen years ago)

This poll is missing "tockley".

-- Trayce

Haha I came here to post that too

― moley, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 22:20 (seventeen years ago)

Hittites is my favorite for breasts

― PappaWheelie V, Wednesday, 9 July 2008 00:23 (seventeen years ago)

nob ftw

― electricsound, Wednesday, 9 July 2008 00:25 (seventeen years ago)

http://www.schemamag.ca/archive2/images/long-duk-dong.jpg

― Pancakes Hackman, Wednesday, 9 July 2008 00:27 (seventeen years ago)

Can someone please explain why? I've been trying to work it out for 10+ years

because adrian edmondson said so (not directly, just by repeated usage) in this:

http://booksellercrow.typepad.com/the_bedside_crow/images/2007/11/18/bastard.jpg

and he was my first -- pre-viz! -- guru of all thing sweary.

― grimly fiendish, Wednesday, 9 July 2008 22:00 (seventeen years ago)

I have a snake. Thank you very much!

― carne asada, Wednesday, 9 July 2008 22:03 (seventeen years ago)

<A href=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4pcY7GC4Ww>;I have a snake. Thank you very much!</a>

― Oilyrags, Wednesday, 9 July 2008 22:19 (seventeen years ago)

I have a snake. Thank you very much!

― Oilyrags, Wednesday, 9 July 2008 22:20 (seventeen years ago)

"pickling his prick in the cuntbrine of another" swayed me towards the apparently unpopular choice.

― Gukbe, Wednesday, 9 July 2008 22:22 (seventeen years ago)

(xpost) bloody hell, how long ago was that movie made? It was a while before I realised that the young guy was Brand0n Ir0n...

― snoball, Wednesday, 9 July 2008 22:30 (seventeen years ago)

Cock remains peerless.

― chap, Wednesday, 9 July 2008 22:50 (seventeen years ago)

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

― ILX System, Wednesday, 9 July 2008 23:01 (seventeen years ago)

You forgot "pole" in this poll.

― Nate Carson, Thursday, 10 July 2008 05:33 (seventeen years ago)

I once broke up on account of a "racy" text messaging asking: "how would you feel right now with my hand on your THING".

Cock, obv.

― edwardo, Thursday, 10 July 2008 06:35 (seventeen years ago)

(xpost) baseball player Dick Pole to thread...

― snoball, Thursday, 10 July 2008 08:58 (seventeen years ago)

my mate was telling me the other day about a guy called helmut pohl. i choked into my pint. that's nothing, said my mate: he cracked up at a meeting when his name was mentioned. nobody else seemed to get the joke.

― grimly fiendish, Thursday, 10 July 2008 09:44 (seventeen years ago)

Jake Shillingford.

Oh that's two words. Nevermind.

― Mark G, Thursday, 10 July 2008 09:46 (seventeen years ago)

Telescope - it extends, it can be "polished", it can be pointed at Uranus...

― snoball, Thursday, 10 July 2008 09:49 (seventeen years ago)

... it has one eye ... it's made out of shiny metal ...

... what? oh, must just be me.

― grimly fiendish, Thursday, 10 July 2008 09:52 (seventeen years ago)

somehow i managed to find myself discussing this thread in the office today. one of my colleagues has decided he's now on a mission to have "johnson" become the word for cock in the west of scotland.

i shall gamely play my part.

― grimly fiendish, Thursday, 10 July 2008 21:55 (seventeen years ago)

Johnson-a-leekie soup

― snoball, Thursday, 10 July 2008 22:33 (seventeen years ago)

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

― ILX System, Thursday, 10 July 2008 23:01 (seventeen years ago)

Nice to see cock is so popular. Poor tool hanging out there tho all lonely and unloved.

― Noodle Vague, Thursday, 10 July 2008 23:08 (seventeen years ago)

poor nob ;_;

― Autumn Almanac, Thursday, 10 July 2008 23:37 (seventeen years ago)

peter 0'tool

― Hard like armour, Friday, 11 July 2008 01:47 (seventeen years ago)

"tool" is underused.

― grimly fiendish, Friday, 11 July 2008 09:28 (seventeen years ago)

Tool logo (NSFW)
Incidentally, this was the original design of the Jim'11 Fix It badge...

― snoball, Friday, 11 July 2008 11:29 (seventeen years ago)

the Ridgid Tool company

― snoball, Friday, 11 July 2008 11:31 (seventeen years ago)

i'm having that first one as a facebook avatar.

― grimly fiendish, Friday, 11 July 2008 11:44 (seventeen years ago)

actually, no, i'm not.

― grimly fiendish, Friday, 11 July 2008 11:45 (seventeen years ago)

http://www.ratebeer.com/beerimages/67663.jpg

Slogan for this beer is:
"Everything great that was ever built required a long hammer. A trusty tool used by ordinary ordinary men to make extraordinary things."

― Bimble, Friday, 11 July 2008 15:23 (seventeen years ago)

eight years pass...

dragon

― i n f i n i t y (∞), Friday, 7 July 2017 23:05 (eight years ago)

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