Jealousy

The NZ crew had some good things to say here.

Perhaps I'm jealous of the people just letting themselves be run by their emotions. Or perhaps I'm fed up of getting hurt in the fall-out.

Thankfully for all parties, I was neurotically jealous rather than psychotically jealous.

On the one hand you say this and on the other you're saying there's no realistic threat. How can you believe both?

(I still agree that platonic friendships are possible though)

Oh, well fair enough. I think I may even have fancied her for ten minutes.

In a nutshell, all jealousy springs from insecurity. It's this very same fear that motivates people to lock their houses and cars. When people respond possessively to inanimate objects we call them bloody well clever, responsible and grown-up. When they do the same to animate objects -- specifically other people -- we suggest there must be something inherently wrong with them. Think of your jealousy as a red-flag, nothing more. It's simply telling you that you're scared.
Nonetheless, that fear can lead to tichiness in your relationship. People get scared by their s/o's behavior. They don't want to feel scared so they insist that their s/o halt the behavior. This in turn, makes the s/o feel controlled and unloved. They resist. Their resistance makes their partner feel unloved. They get angry. They start, "Iffing you really loved me..." etc. etc. Before you know it, a small scale armageddon is at hand.

I have an alternative suggestion. First of all, come to appreciate yourself. I'm sure you have numerous gifts and qualities that you bring to your boyfriend. Even if you lose him, you'll still be you, with those gifts of your own to share with another. (Which is not to suggest that the loss will be any less painful.) Second, get to know your boyfriend's platonic friend, and I mean *really* know her. Become part of the friendship. You love your boyfriend, he cares for her and by extention, you should care for that which he cares for. Obviously she must have some good qualities -- I mean, your boyfriend's got good taste, right? If their relationship is truly platonic, they are both going to love and admire your ability to rise above the primacy of your own jealousy and accept it. Meanwhile, keep an observant but not critical eye on the g/f -- she shouldn't be jealous of you. If she is, it suggests to me that she sees you as being in the place she wants to occupy, and that's a no-no in a platonic relationship. If she's truly a friend to your s/o she'll recognize how very important to him you are and she'll treat you with respect. And if the friendship is not platonic, you'll figure that out all the sooner for being "part of" the friendship as opposed to separate from. Either way, you won't be distressing yourself with imaginings.

As for the possibility that one or both of them might want more, I personally don't find that thought to be threatening. There's a whole lot more I would like to have in my life -- more money for instance, but I'm not willing to pay the risky price to rob someone to get it.

And that's my dime.

(eg i hate such-and-such band because they're childish and they can't sing and i'm jealous of them because they're getting more attention than my band)

what about that line MORrissey sings -- women only like me for my mind? but then they really like him, see, and why can't that be? i really like people for their minds. it becomes quite irrational!

So-called 'negative' emotions are no worse than any others. It's what you do with it. You could be ecstatically happy and content in every way and could use that negatively, because it might stop you trying to improve things. I think there's always room for improvement. (Er... not directed at you personally btw) If being jealous can make you ambitious and your ambition isn't damaging, then jealousy is good. We've evolved with emotions because we can't survive without them. Then again, we've evolved only so we can reproduce so jealousy might just be more useful for that purpose.

No worries, not taken as such! In my case, the ambitions are not damaging, the routes to achieving them laid out on the one hand and open enough to chance or surprise on the other.

But recently this friend of mine has been flirting very heavily with another girl on the same message board. I told him a while ago that this upset me a bit, and made me feel a little sidelined and humiliated even (as everyone on the MB knows we are really close friends). He says it's all in fun, a bit of a laugh, meaningless. He says they swap a few emails, and that she's cute and funny, but he doesn't talk to anyone else the way he talks to me. He says I truly am his best friend on the net, and he keeps everyone else at arms length.

I am consumed by hurt and jealousy, and I'm cross with myself because of it. I mean, this is an internet friendship so it's just words on a screen, it's not like real life friendships, right? I have no right to ask him NOT to behave the way he does, but I can't help feeling that he is being disrespectful to our friendship by doing this. Am I wrong to feel this way? How do I deal with it? I could walk away from the message board (and him) but we've been friends for five years, and I care about him very much. This hurts. Silly, I know.

Anyone got any helpful advice/shared experiences or anything?

Of course it is.

I would distance myself from him and the message board for a while to see if I could get some fresh perspective on it.

That is, of course, on the condition that the answer you have to Pink's question is No? It certainly sounds like you value the relationship more or are perhaps expecting it to go somewhere further?

I don't think he would date this other girl. He says he wouldn't, anyhow. I'm still trying to fathom out exactly what it is which is causing me to be so upset - her hijacking every single thread on the message board we post on by following him round and starting flirty little chats all over the place with him, or the fact he always always responds to that, or the fact it is making me feel pushed out of his affections, or that our friendship/bond doesn't seem to be as important to him as I thought it was (although he insists it is). I don't really know.

He's loving the attention, that's for sure. He has some insecurities which make him seek attention/validation constantly, so maybe she's just bolstering his ego better than I can, or something.

Curious feeling, this.