Use Other Jokes Please

*hides, holding breath, behind the 'puter*

Do you know what I like to call the Rolling Stones: "the Strolling Bones"! Because they're older than they were thirty years ago, when they were young! Yessir, I wish I'd seen the Strolling Bones when they toured with Bob Dylan - or, as I call him, Robert ZIMMERFRAME! (What? Oh, because his real name is Zimmerman.)

And you know that artist who had a hit, but isn't in the charts now? Do you know what I reckon he said today? "Would you like fries with that?". What I mean by this is that, like most acts, the artist's success didn't last forever. And so now they are not in the chart. And they may have a job, possibly a demeaning one. Oh, I wouldn't like to be that artist right now, not after my biting piece of Schadenfreude. I am so mean.

Avril Latrine! David Gay! Kate Windswept! Shall I keep going?

Ha ha! Do you know what all music was like before Punk? Every song was all about, like, wizards and goblins, and all the songs were, like, twenty minutes long, and had crumpelhorns and synths and stuff and it was all rubbish but now it's funny, "prog rock" is. Because of its excesses.

That jazz you are listening to: I am going to spoil it by saying "nice". Which means that it is jazz. What's that? Oh, right. Well, it sounded like jazz to me. You know, jazz - "nice"!

I've got another: Elvis died on the toilet. Which is undignified.

Oh, and I heard some Leonard Cohen the other day. "Laughing" Len sounds like perfect music to kick back and enjoy ---- if you're planning on killing yourself! (Which I'm not. I was being ironical.)

That Dexy's song is one of my favourite songs about a DARTS PLAYER. Oh, you don't think it's about a darts player? Well, you'd have to argue that one with blah blah blah.

You know Justin Timerlake was going out with Britney, and she was, like, a virgin? But still rilly rilly pretty? He must have been so freaking frustrated. Because he will have wanted to have had sex with her. His balls must have been as blue as... what's that? Oh, right. I hadn't heard that. Well, up to that point, anyway, he must have been frustrated. In a funny way.

On a related note, Dolly Parton has never seen her feet! And she has a fine pair of lungs on her. And something about "assets".

x wasn't even the best y in the z.

Now, then: hot news just in -- Michael Jackson has a new album. Yes, folks: it's called [paedophilia joke].

Here's one, here's one. What's yellow and lives off dead beetles? No-one? Yoko Ono! ...Think about it.

And what do you call two lavatories? Lulu!

What's this: splish splash splish splash thud? That's right: Kirsty MacColl going for a swim!

Bye!

This is actually part of Neil Hamburger's act (as seen recently on the Jimmy Kimmel show).

It is a good thing 50 Cent is on a major label now because otherwise he'd be Indie-Cent! Har har

How does Beck keep his clothes so neatly pressed? Irony!

(sorry, btw)