Here’s a list of music critics’ Year End lists that don’t include any Black Metal on ‘em...Actually, if I were gonna post a list of all the lists compiled by critics who snubbed the unholiest of unholy Black Metal, I’d have to type out or cut ‘n’ paste each and every list that each and every critic in the world outside of Sweden wrote this past year and even I don’t have that kinda free time on my hands, though I will have more than enough spare time on my hands to respond to each and every response to this post with some kinda snappy retort. And by “black metal” I don’t mean Body Count and Living Colour—I’m talking about the real shit here, the stuff about witches and spellwork, the stuff that all those lousy music critics don’t want you to hear cos they’re afraid to grow some balls and embrace a completely bankrupt genre of music whose appeal is limited to that of suburban white kids. These rock critics are racists and they are going to hell when they die, just like the faggots and Jews, especially the Jews cos they killed Jesus, a key component in Black Metal. If I ever get a girlfriend, I will make her listen to the blackest of Black Metal.
PEACE.
― Joseph P. Larkin, esquire, Thursday, 12 February 2004 17:18 (twenty-two years ago)
Hey, I put Gorgoroth, Dimmu Borgir, Cradle of Filth and Zyklon in my Top Ten. Christraping black metal in '04!
― Phil Freeman (Phil Freeman), Thursday, 12 February 2004 17:24 (twenty-two years ago)
well, obviously I'm not smart enough to figure anything out! do you see?! he has shocked and embarrassed me by pointing out that I did not get his irony and satire and therefore anything I say is MOOT! MOOT I tell you!
― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Thursday, 12 February 2004 18:21 (twenty-two years ago)
don't beat yourself up too much matos. it takes a rare and precocious individual to grasp such rarefied wit.
i mainly stick to dick jokes myself precisely because i know my place in the scheme of such things.
― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Thursday, 12 February 2004 18:24 (twenty-two years ago)
Best black metal rock journo, ever. I mean this in the nicest way. You think you know me. You think you know how I like to ONLY put my DOD THRASHMASTER between me and my Mayhem-Unleashing 5150 and RANDY RHOADS SIGNATURE V. Well, let me tell you something punk. You don’t know me at all. And now you’re going to pay. I’m going to put my fist through your teeth and spill your blood onto your FOGHAT (Faghot?) t-shirt for being such a smart fuck. Because I got me a proper BEAST to stand tall on the floor, saluting the Metal Gods of Lore, and that Beast, long foretold, has come in the form of the MXR Double Shot Distortion. “Ease of Use” – you know I’m not one to fuck around with fancyschmancy knobs, but what the fuck is this category anyway? Are most of the people reading these reviews pansies that cry if the pedal’s not easy to use? I bet these are the same people who came to my band FLESH GEYSER’s show thinking we were a Uriah Heep tribute act. Weren’t they frightened to hear the CHAOS unleashed instead of “Miss Misty Eyes.” Fuckers. Anyway, this pedal is easy to use because it has two bright lights that tell you its ON and ROCKING YOUR FACE OFF. Not those pussy dim lights like the Ibanez BoobSqueezer pedals have… These lights are so bright that you can see them clearly through all the SMOKE AND PYRO at your gig. And they look like eyes of KERRY KING himself staring back at you approvingly as you launch back into another fingertapping solo. As for those knobs, I just do what I do to all my gear – have my friend Randy disconnect all of the ones except GAIN, crank it to 10, and break off the knob so it will never do nothing but ROCK YOUR COCK like a Saigon Slut. You know what I mean.
Sound Quality: 10
How does it sound?!!! What the fuck kind of question is that for something known as the Coming of the Beast! But since you asked, the sound can only be described as a pure sonic GOREGASM. Case in point: we were opening for SLUTBANGER in my mom’s basement. They should have been opening for us! But Carl, I mean DEATHICON, our front man had to watch his little brother, so we had to go on first. Pissed me off. So, I waited to our last song, and then replaced my THRASHMASTER with this Beast. The sonic destruction that came out of my 5150 totally shamed all three guitarists of SLUTBANGER. So much so, that I seriously doubt they’d been able to continue, even if my mom didn’t make us stop our double-bill gig because E.R. was coming on.
Reliability: 10
Let me just tell you right now how reliable this fucker is. When my older brother Doug joined the army and went to Iraq to find weapons of messy destruction, he took this pedal with him to STORE THE URANIUM HE FOUND. And when I got it back, it still worked like it always did, except now it GLOWS AN EVIL GREEN COLOR. How fucking cool is that.
Customer Support: N/A
I've said it once, but I'll have to say it again. I am not going to call some pussy corporate fuck who doesn't know if Hell Awaits is better than Reign of Blood, much less the sixth song on God Hates Us All (It's Threshold, by the way.) If this thing breaks, I'll do what is right: Hold a black mass and burn it on a funeral pyre - unless my dad's home from work.
Overall Rating: 10
Look, are you looking to melt asses like molasses? Make women wetter than a starfish sitting on the bottom? Make deaf people blind and blind people deaf? THIS IS THE PEDAL. And this is the pedal for UTTER UNADULTERATED CROTCH BURNING ROCK. Nothing else compares.
― George Smith, Thursday, 12 February 2004 19:04 (twenty-two years ago)
eleven months pass...