Steven Seagal says: "TALK TO MY ASS!"

The Steven Seagal Haiku Thread

http://images.43things.com/place/00/07/0f/462846xl.jpg

And don't forget the energy drink.

I woke up this mornin’ and I asked my baby to fix me some scrambled eggs
I woke up this mornin’ and I asked my baby to fix me some scrambled eggs
Well she looked at me kinda surprised
And she said baby, you got your own two pair a legs

I went to bed last night, I tried to give my baby some love
I went to bed last night, I tried to give my baby some love
Well she looked at me kinda surprised and she said
Baby you got your own two pair a hands
but you ain't got no glove

chorus

But thank you
for reminding me I got my own two pair of legs
oh and thank you
for reminding me I got my own two hands
but it seem like I got a new set of plans
I cant have no compromise
I hate to break it to you
but I got my own two pair a eyes

I went down to see my mama
and I told my mama my situation
she said son it sound like you need some excavation in your habitation
she said love goin’ to have to have some give and take
if you can’t have that you gonna have nothing but heart break

I went back home last night
I told my baby to get on up the road

Well she looked at me kinda surprised
Suddenly she not so cold
I told her I cant have no more sass
and from now on she can talk to my ass

Advantage: Steven "I'm just the cook" Seagal

This ass talk had sort of a gut frequency. It hit you right down there like you gotta go. You know when the old colon gives you the elbow and it feels sorta cold inside, and you know all you have to do is turn loose? Well this talking hit you right down there, a bubbly, thick stagnant sound, a sound you could smell.

This man worked for a carnival you dig, and to start with it was like a novelty ventriliquist act. Real funny, too, at first. He had a number he called "The Better 'Ole" that was a scream, I tell you. I forget most of it but it was clever. Like, "Oh I say, are you still down there, old thing?"

"Nah I had to go relieve myself."

After a while the ass start talking on its own. He would go in without anything prepared and his ass would ad-lib and toss the gags back at him every time.

Then it developed sort of teeth-like little raspy in-curving hooks and started eating. He thought this was cute at first and built an act around it, but the asshole would eat its way through his pants and start talking on the street, shouting out it wanted equal rights. It would get drunk, too, and have crying jags nobody loved it and it wanted to be kissed same as any other mouth. Finally it talked all the time day and night, you could hear him for blocks screaming at it to shut up, and beating it with his fist, and sticking candles up it, but nothing did any good and the asshole said to him: "It's you who will shut up in the end. Not me. Because we dont need you around here any more. I can talk and eat and shit."

After that he began waking up in the morning with a transparent jelly like a tadpole's tail all over his mouth. This jelly was what the scientists call un-D.T., Undifferentiated Tissue, which can grow into any kind of flesh on the human body. He would tear it off his mouth and the pieces would stick to his hands like burning gasoline jelly and grow there, grow anywhere on him a glob of it fell. So finally his mouth sealed over, and the whole head would have have amputated spontaneous — (did you know there is a condition occurs in parts of Africa and only among Negroes where the little toe amputates spontaneously?) — except for the eyes you dig. Thats one thing the asshole couldn't do was see. It needed the eyes. But nerve connections were blocked and infiltrated and atrophied so the brain couldn't give orders any more. It was trapped in the skull, sealed off. For a while you could see the silent, helpless suffering of the brain behind the eyes, then finally the brain must have died, because the eyes went out, and there was no more feeling in them than a crab's eyes on the end of a stalk.

and they're kicking off a three-week headlining tour on June with supporting act Blues Hammer.

However, since it's a blues album, it'll sux.

"thunder-box: slang, a portable commode; by extension, any lavatory" (OED)

http://www.redbrick.dcu.ie/~elmer/simpsons/homer/toiletchair.jpg

I think you paid too much, maybe

-- sublime frequency (i_am_an_exit8...), June 2nd, 2006.

not only is there a song titled "Talk to My Ass", there's also a number called "Alligator Ass"!

Steven Seagal says "ME WANT THE POONANI"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3v4-zYghodc&feature=player_embedded

http://www.nola.com/crime/index.ssf/2010/04/jpso_addresses_seagal_lawsuit.html

bizarre/horrible/not beyond belief/i've been avoiding jeff parish ever since this show started

of course this is on ilm. i'll go revive an ile seagal thread too.

unless of course someone already did

which happened

okay we really need to go back to this "me want the punani" thing