Becoming more like Sauron

No, this all perfectly natural, however your coat must be destroyed. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

Check the pockets first. You know, for gum and stuff...

please don't do anything rash!! the best way to test for pure evil is to take a deep core sample. this will put your mind at rest. i promise.

I am also being hounded day and night by Worf the Klingon and his evil new friend, Jetty the Yeti. Save me, save me now

I once found two golden pound sterling pieces in a Nehru-style suit that I found at Cancer Research. It cost ten pounds; therefore I only paid eight pounds for it. Downside is, everyone who sees me wearing it either things I am trying to impersonate one of the Beatles, or comments about the fact that Dr. Evil grew hair.

So, to sum up: forget the coat. The only world leader with a funny coat was Churchill. But, as you know, victors write their own history.

x

Gandhi had a funny coat

A fleece as white as snow,
And everywhere that Gandhi went,
"No, no, no, no, no."

I thought Gandhi was a nudist. At least, I think he disdained secondary coverings.

He DID, however have a funny goat.

Ronald Reagan had a coat which told jokes.

That was no coat, that was his wife!

sometimes a coat is just a coat. sometimes not.

Sometimes a coat is two coats. If you're small.

Reagan doesn't remember his name. His coat, however, advises Congress.

"I am also being hounded day and night by Worf the Klingon"

Are you sure it's Worf? Satan's Klingon impersonation is impeccable.

I have been working really hard on pronouncing Morrrdorrrr properly in that really deep 'evil Barry White' type voice. Does that count? No funny coats though.

No funny coats, no chance. We got standards.

surely not?

Have you got the Evening Standard?

Are you accusing me of walking Wadley?

Perhaps I could fashion a funny coat out of my collection of Evening Standard back issues - I'll do anything in my quest for acceptance.

I just had a horrifying vision of 'Naked penis walking down stairs'. Very worrying.

D'oh! Clearly that should have been on the 'differing perceptions' thread and I am a complete non-com (or a com non-com)!

Was it a real vision of a naked penis walking downstairs? Or just your over-active imagination (and wishful thinking) at work again?

Also I would have thought a penis would pogo rather than walk, now I think about it (which I wish I hadn't)

Oh no! You're quite right CJ, it would definitely pogo, but that is creating such a difraction of light in my little mind's eye that, really, it's just too much. You're right, I am bored at work and my invariably turns to naked penises (and stairs) -- the other kind of which I am getting from my co-workers right now as I gaffaw in my corner.

I'm not bored at work - I am watching the new Harry Potter DVD!! Hurrah for me being the boss!

Damn you!

Nope, "Clockers" hasn't finshed yet. And Damn you! too, Mr. Didn't we give a shit, I didn't see you backing me up in that dreadful firefight we both wrote conflicting reports about on our authentic yesser-ee "Blogs from Baghdad" (Guardian).

Funny cinematography in "Clockers". It looks to me a bit Lautrec-y, but that is probably because I'm having to turn round and squint a lot to watch it.

And as for you, Mr. Bossman the Unruly, if you are going to "watch Harry Potter", don't do it in the workplace. I went to your school.

You'd think I'd have noticed you then, being the only boy in a school of 854 girls. Do you have any distinguishing features?

A cock

Does it crow?

I'll bet it doesn't even have feathers.

No wonder I never took any notice of it at school.

This thread has taken a bit of a turn for the worse, wouldn't you say?

I was looking for an insight in to the workings of the feminine mind. In the absence of the late and much lamented Sue Denim, I was rather hoping that this thread would lead me to enlightenment. CJ? Celeste?

Trust me, Weebleman (do you wobble but not fall down, incidentally? I have often wondered, that's all) you really, really don't want insight into the workings of the feminine mind. At least not my feminine mind you don't. I wouldn't want you to have nightmares or anything.

Try asking the enigmatic "Wouldn't You Like To Know" person. She's a female person of the opposite gender too, albeit an Australian one. But still, she can't help that.

The water goes down the plughole the other way round down there, you know.

Sue................

Just as I was beginning to get over her...........

Must you rub salt in my wounds?

Next I suppose I'll learn that her cock is bigger than mine and she has a hairy back.

"Taxi! Take me to the water tower, the tall one, and give me a hand up. I feel like some diving practice."

Ahem.

I almost don't dare to ask this, but my mind is imploding with curiosity..... who is/was Sue Denim?

Was she your team mascot on your old board, or something? The AAD Forces' Sweetheart? A random drunk? Landlady at the public house formerly known as the "Ammonite and Radish" (now a NatWest Bank)? A foxy siren? A vicious troll? Or all of the above?

They say that ignorance is bliss, so technically I should qualify as one of the most blissful girls south of Leamington Spa - but the truth is that I hate a mystery and love a good story so I shall just settle meself down here with a pint of Creme de Menthe, throw another weetabix on the fire, and wait to be put out of my misery.

Off you go, then........

Sue Denim was a regularly featuring contributor until Ask A Drunk moved to this server. She was loved by all and all at the same time.

When we moved I emailed everyone, his/hers was the only address that bounced back as a fake one. I left a message on the board asking her to get in touch but no dice.

Theories do circulate, most of them based around the theory that Sue was someone who still frequents these kiplified woods, whom are uneager to bring Sue back out of the box as they know people can see who it really is here at ilX heights.

She broke my heart.

Fucking Limey bitch!

Rewinding a little: you?ve got me confused, young Weeble-me-lad. You say you were ?looking for an insight in to [sic] the workings of the feminine mind?. But, prior to that revelation, the only thing you had done on this thread was to say ?surely not?? to Matt.

Are you under the impression that Matt is a woman? Or that, despite being male and sharing a house with two other male drunks and shovelling hundredweights of pasta all over the stairs, he has some privileged insight into the female mind, to which you can gain access merely by asking an otherwise redundant question which doesn?t refer to women or minds?

Or ? and here a chilling shadow falls across us, while I try to type this in a ?Valentine Dyall? tone of voice ? was there another Weebleman posting which has been REMOVED BY THE MODERATORS? ? perhaps because it was too explicit, graphic or blasphemous for Lynskey?s delicate sensibilities? ? or because it rudely alluded to the fact that Lynskey?s coat is still openly walking the streets of Ormskirk, a veritable Radovan Karadzic of the sartorial world, despite all Jarlr?mai?s bungling attempts to destroy it?

Nice tracklink. Keep the fuck off the coat.

The other day?

You left your coat on the rack?

I saw it and rubbed one of the sleeves on my crotch.

WIPE YOUR NOSE NOW, LYNSKEY!

hahahahahahahahahhahahaha..................

I saw you preparing that particular ruse and swapped coats. You have damaged no more than Patrick Stewart's favourite "scary cloak" (he has 6 total)

Rex, Rex, you seem to under the delusion that my postings to this ( or indeed any other thread) have any connecting logic. The sad reality is that they are almost purely reactive, representing the second thing that comes into my head in response to the pearls cast before me.
I was looking for an insight into the female mind, only because it suddenly occurred to me that it might be a good idea, but CJ has kindly explained the error of my ways. "It seemed like a good idea at the time" will probably be my epitaph.
I can absolutely guarantee that my delusions have never included the idea that Matt might be female ( though I am of course open to correction on this).
I don't think that I have ever been moderated ( whisper it who dares), but how would I ever remember? Given (a)the aforementioned lack of any internal logic and (b) alcohol.

You want insight into the female mind? I'll give you insight into the female mind ..........

http://www.btinternet.com/~homepage/Imaged/female.gif

what about bargains?

That would be a part of the shopping section.

I was going to say that 'bargains' are part of the 'shopping centre' but then I thought someone would make some daft comment about Bluewater or the Arndale Centre or something.

There's a shopping centre (somewhere in Hertforshire I think) which is called 'Roaring Meg' - a name which I find both fascinating and scary at the same time.

I cannot believe that bargains don't have their own section.

Roaring Meg the civil war canon? buy or be blown away?

Right up there with Mons Meg, Big Bertha and the Howitzer shopping centre. What do they call shopping centres in Baghdad these days?

PS Roaring Meg was also a mortar at Edgehill. What a gloriously serendipitous opportunity to meld these threads

You see? You see how it's all interwoven? And people say these threads are just the haphazard ramblings of inebriated fools! How wrong they are.

I like swans.

Weebleman, I believe that they call them 'mauls'.

No, that's in rugby.

I can exclusively reveal that Roaring Meg is a retail park in Stevenage.

This has been Ask a Drunk, your guide to the world of Retail Parks in Stevenage.

how long before the PC brigade make Stevenage change its name to "Steven or Stephanie of an undisclosed birth date"??

Roaring Meg is actually my son's pony. She roars, dinosaur like, when it is feed time.

Quite harmless though.

Unless you happen to get in the way when other horses threaten her. I discovered, much to my dismay, that horses heads are almost entirely made of bone.

As a result, I am currently sporting a rather colourful cheek, where my cheek and Meg's connected and neither cheek backed down. Mine, however, expanded in protest.

I now get asked if I've been working hard and if I'd like a tissue to wipe the dirt off my face. Turns out bruises can be rather stubborn to remove with tissues, no matter how much you wipe.

I now feed the horses in separate areas. Live and learn, or in this case, learn and live.

Learn?? What's that then??