Iraqi arak amok

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Despite the most obsequious towing of the administration's ridiculous line on my part, my repeated requests for my own personal satrapy in northern Iraq have been ignored. I am losing hope. My dream of drinking arak while little Abdullah waxes my legs and little Fatima waxes her legs, of eating dates, and the nocturnal swoosh of the mosquito netting as the wind passes is slowly fading. Anybody have any idea on what I may be doing wrong? Maybe I should use another currency than the dinar. What do you suggest?

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 19 March 2004 22:26 (twenty-one years ago)

An interesting question. Personally I would set up a London based consultantly firm, preferably with the word CONSULTANCY in large letters on a brass plate outside. The funds from this venture would be channelled to Kurdish militia via Zurich, with the firm instruction that they be used only for buying simple, pleasing items.

Whilst these funds accrued, leading to a surge in consumer spending in the Northern sector, with the concomitant effects of an increase in lending leading to galloping inflation I would build a giant mirror in space. Net result, I'm up one giant space-mirror, all else is immaterial.

― Matt (Matt), Friday, 19 March 2004 23:57 (twenty-one years ago)

One would have to hover in the upper levels of the ether to be able to shave using this mirror, no? I imagine it would either need to be convex or concave and either way your face would look mighty distorted, and before breakfast! I'm as supercilious as the next man but I don't know that I'd like to look down on that many people that early in the morning. Besides, in my liitle satrapy/erewhon Abdullah would shave me and bring me all the village gossip so the mirror would be superfluous.

― Michael White (Hereward), Saturday, 20 March 2004 00:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Mat wants a giant space mirror to reflect sunlight at night because he's afraid of the dark.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Saturday, 20 March 2004 03:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Don't go omitting T's from people's names, Mary.

― Matt (Matt), Saturday, 20 March 2004 17:08 (twenty-one years ago)

I'll try to be more careful, Mattt.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Saturday, 20 March 2004 17:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Cheers for that, Maaaaaaaary.

― Matt (Matt), Sunday, 21 March 2004 02:38 (twenty-one years ago)

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
With nonsense, rhymes
and clay wind chimes
and little koans all in a row

― Michael White (Hereward), Monday, 22 March 2004 18:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Ah!

Obviously "someone" wants to engage the ol' Clown in dharma battle.

Meet me on the green at first light, Laddie, and bring your lunch.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 23 March 2004 06:21 (twenty-one years ago)

I'll go first:

Where would you have to be to see "everything"?

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 23 March 2004 06:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Do you mind if I bring someone else's lunch? Mine are always so dull.

The critically-acclaimed radioactive flea-circus cum gong slapped with meat performance art/play, 'Everything' is in its third year at the Schubert. 'Sit down. You're too short for that gesture."

― Michael White (Hereward), Tuesday, 23 March 2004 16:27 (twenty-one years ago)

two weeks pass...

(Are we into dharma battle? OK)

My lunch is a cube of potato soaring through vastness. It is the flea-circus's very review. "Stand up. You're too tall for the third year."

(Can we play Haiku War now?)

― Dorien Thomas (Dorien Thomas), Tuesday, 6 April 2004 20:21 (twenty-one years ago)

You'll have to lure out Matt or Jarlid or one of those fellows for that.

My primary pastime is getting girls stoned for immoral reasons.

You know..."High cooze".

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 6 April 2004 20:34 (twenty-one years ago)

I doff my hat with a flourish to you clown. You have permanently polluted my mind - in the best way. Hereafter the very mention of Japanese poetry will make me either snigger or hard, though I'm afraid I think your moral sense somewhat warped. What, after all, did Providence give us weed for, if not to get that cooze high?

― Michael White (Hereward), Tuesday, 6 April 2004 21:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Marty, I firmly beleive that you have justified your entire existence, and the existence of this board, with that one pun. That was genuinely marvellous.

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 01:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Too much and you end up with cooze with pube dreads.

― Michael White (Hereward), Wednesday, 7 April 2004 17:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Ladiesngennlmen! Here! Tonight! In the Raffles Arena! We are perrrrrroud to present! That celebrated rhythmNNNNNblues combo! Cooze and the Pube Dreads! Yeeeaaahhh!!! Thank you!!

― Dorien Thomas (Dorien Thomas), Saturday, 10 April 2004 16:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Iraqi arak amok

― ¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?, Saturday, 10 April 2004 16:43 (twenty-one years ago)

hello! hello! what's this?

― ¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?, Saturday, 10 April 2004 16:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Abdullah!!! Fatima!!!! Come read this for me. I can't make head nor tail of the stuff.

― Michael White (Hereward), Monday, 12 April 2004 22:43 (twenty-one years ago)

(Read it from right to left. Suddenly makes sense.)

― Dorien Thomas (Dorien Thomas), Thursday, 15 April 2004 21:39 (twenty-one years ago)

.t'nod I oN .ees I

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 15 April 2004 22:39 (twenty-one years ago)

otatop fo ebuc
ni noitcelfer eurt sti sdnif
ukiah rorrim a

― Dorien Thomas (Dorien Thomas), Thursday, 22 April 2004 16:15 (twenty-one years ago)

You mean Ukiah up north?

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 22 April 2004 18:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Damn me it exists. Though I'd hardly call California "north". They have a People First of Ukiah chapter, quite an active one. They specialise in self-advocacy and pizza parties. Ryan Larkin is the current president. For more information call Sandra Tyrrell at 462-3832 ext 227.

― Dorien Thomas (Dorien Thomas), Thursday, 22 April 2004 20:03 (twenty-one years ago)

I hardly think I need any help with self-advocacy...or pizza for that matter.

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 22 April 2004 20:34 (twenty-one years ago)

three weeks pass...

I have now formally renounced any designs I may have had on my little satrapy and have bid Abdullah and Fatima the fondest of farewells. Still looking for the good arak though.

― Michael White (Hereward), Monday, 17 May 2004 19:00 (twenty-one years ago)

go here
http://www.schacht.net/miriam/england/bargainbooze.jpg

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 17 May 2004 22:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh,jeeze, Matt.

Everyone knows that's a picture of you defying the restraining order.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 02:42 (twenty-one years ago)

Tell you what, Matt. You give me the money and I'll buy the hooch. Whadjyasay, eh?

― Michael White (Hereward), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 17:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Have you heard my bargain booze hooch anecdote then? It's lengthy.

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 20 May 2004 17:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Pray continue, Sir. I'm hoping that you still have your sight and are otherwise in the rudest of health.

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 20 May 2004 17:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Insert the hookah
gently between her lips
and light the bowl
High Cooze

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 20 May 2004 21:43 (twenty-one years ago)

That's the worst haiku I've ever read. It doesn't even have the right number of syllabubs in it.

― C J (C J), Friday, 21 May 2004 12:33 (twenty-one years ago)

My horse isn't very good at stamping out meter. Mea culpa. Trying to flush the old clown out of the brush. Oh well.

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 21 May 2004 13:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Plus I drank all the syllabubs so my sense of rhythm is off.

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 21 May 2004 15:11 (twenty-one years ago)

"Have you heard my bargain booze hooch anecdote then? It's lengthy.

-- Matt (Mat...), May 20th, 2004 1:07 PM."

I'm game.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Saturday, 22 May 2004 00:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Like venison?

― C J (C J), Saturday, 22 May 2004 10:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Fold your hands clown, you walk like a pheasant.

Matt, please recount for posterity the epic tale of the bargain booze hooch.

― Michael White (Hereward), Saturday, 22 May 2004 19:21 (twenty-one years ago)

I've heard it, it's dull.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Wednesday, 26 May 2004 14:20 (twenty-one years ago)

Is it

(a) more dull
or
(b) less dull

than the story of Robbie Williams' hat?

I need some sort of sliding scale to work with.

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 26 May 2004 15:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Being ignorant of the Robbie Williams' hat story, I have no point of reference. Perhaps it would be best if Matt simply made up a nice bed time story about the bargain booze hooch. A tale full of elephants and gnomes, vikings and aluminum siding, polysynody and prostate trouble. I'm yawning already.

― Michael White (Hereward), Wednesday, 26 May 2004 15:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Well,

If Matt can't provide a story, either real or imagined, perhaps I can.

In light of this forum's recent history, I think a bedtime story would be appropriate.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Thursday, 27 May 2004 02:35 (twenty-one years ago)

The Robbie Williams hat anecdote is a mere .3 of the Bargain Booze Hooch anecdote. Though both pale in comparison to the Big Hole In The Ground anecdote, which in turn is vastly inferior to the the story about the man who mistook my front door for a tunnel.

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 27 May 2004 14:22 (twenty-one years ago)

What about the Class A/Girlfriend anecdote?

I admit the Big Hole in the Ground anecdote is good, but it fails to live up to the Fell in a Ditch, Twice anecdote.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Thursday, 27 May 2004 15:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Sometime I'll tell you the story about Narita, the hash, and the inspector who wanted to practice Engrish but not 'til you're older or more forgiving, whichever comes first.

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 27 May 2004 15:46 (twenty-one years ago)

I could tell you the story about a policeman friend of mine who was on duty in the centre of Oxford one day, and who saw an elderly dishevelled man slumped in the corner of Bonn Square - an area known as a hangout for drunks and ne'er-do-wells. The man's speech was slurred, and he was completely unable to stand up, so he was duly arrested for being drunk and disorderly.

He was bundled into the police car and taken off down the nick, and practically had to be carried into the cells. His personal property (of which there was not much) was then taken from him and listed, and he was asked to sign for it - which he refused to do because he kept insisting there was something of his which was missing.

It turned out that his couldn't talk properly because he had a speech impediment, not because he was drunk. He was also registered disabled. The missing item was his wheelchair, which he'd fallen out of (and which the policeman hadn't noticed lying beside the poor guy). By the time the policeman returned - red faced - to Bonn Square, the wheelchair had of course been stolen.

There's probably a moral to this tale, but I can't for the life of me think what it might be.

― C J (C J), Thursday, 27 May 2004 18:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Buy wheelchair insurance.

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 27 May 2004 20:44 (twenty-one years ago)

That'll be it. You, sir, are a genius.

I shall toast your health, wealth and happiness with a glass of this rather excellent Côte de Beaune. Hic.

― C J (C J), Thursday, 27 May 2004 21:23 (twenty-one years ago)

I recently heard an ex policeman telling a story on the radio about happening upon a man laying on the sidewalk mumbling incoherantly, moaning, groaning...... obviously very drunk

He started to arrest the guy for public drunk n disorderly but was having a hard time getting him to stand up against the patrol car long enough to give him a proper frisking to be sure he wasn't armed.

After a few failed attempts the cop decided to forego the frisking and just cuff 'em and stuff 'em.

About this time a bystander came over to the cop and suggested that he just leave the man lay where he is until the ambulance gets here.... since he just jumped out of the 10th floor window!

Moral to the story????

― Ðµdë §téè£, Friday, 28 May 2004 00:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Moral, moral...

Yes.

If you find yourself falling-down-drunk, have a 10th floor window handy.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Friday, 28 May 2004 01:37 (twenty-one years ago)

I always carry a spare 10th floor window with me in my handbag wherever I go. You never know when it'll come in handy.

― C J (C J), Friday, 28 May 2004 05:34 (twenty-one years ago)

I carry 2 5th floor windows, you can joint them together to make a 10th floor window and they come in handy if you and a friend get slighty falling down drunk.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Friday, 28 May 2004 14:04 (twenty-one years ago)

That's a brilliant idea. In future, if I'm only planning on getting a little tipsy I'll probably only take a bungalow window with me of an evening. It'd fit better in my jacket pocket.

― C J (C J), Friday, 28 May 2004 14:40 (twenty-one years ago)

I just ask the copper if he's seen a wheelchair and show him my wheelchair insurance card.

I bow to your Côte de Beaune, CJ, and raise my glass of Nuits St. George to the Unruly.

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 28 May 2004 15:34 (twenty-one years ago)

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