Share Your Most Banal Conversations With The World! - Volume 2

Girl: I don't get it.
Me: What?
Girl: Water bottles.
Me: How so?
Girl: You know how you put a half-empty water bottle in the fridge and after awhile it kind of warps?
Me: Yeah.
Girl: Isn't that strange?
Me: It is, yeah.
Girl: I think when I get to work I'm going to look online and find out why that happens?
Me: Cool.

me: the suitcase has gone now
s: how do you know that?
me: it wasn't there when I went past it.

I've often had this exact thought.

me: I nearly put the teapot in the fridge
mum: dad put the teapot in the fridge?
me: no, I nearly did
mum: oh

gran: you've got a pleasent face
me: thanks gran
gran: a pleasent face but not a handsome one
everyone else: hahaha

M HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

A I think that answers it sufficently, thank you.

M APPARENTLY THERE WERE 4 GIGS WORTH OF PHOTOS ON IT!

A Oh my god, I do hope F*** saved them somewhere, V has been looking for those photos!!!!!!

A Is that why the stupid thing was so slow?

M quite possibly. constipated is the technical term.

M yes he is saving them. are they ALL of shoes?

A Oh come on, they're not of shoes. Are they???

Really, they said that?

I had a guy say the same thing to me after I rejected a quote he'd given me for new doors. He wanted £2900 for 2 uPVC doors and I said there was no way I'd pay that much. He then offered to do them for £1300, which pretty much meant he'd just tried to rob me of at least £1600 in my own home. I told him to sling his hook and he said that he had driven 40 miles to do the quote I had wasted his time - even though it was his company that phoned me and said he would be in my street that night.

Maybe I shouldn't answer the phone.

Me: What is this we're listening to?
J: Beck
Me: Blimey I thought it was Sting
J: I'll ignore that you cheeky sod
Me: Really I thought it was Sting, are you sure?

GRAD-STUDENT GIRL: Excuse me. Do you know what the next stop is?
PUBLISHING GIRL: I think ... let me check my map.
DREADLOCKED WOMAN: It's 72nd Street.
PUBLISHING GIRL: Is it? I've got a map here.
ME: It's 72nd Street. Seriously.
GRAD-STUDENT GIRL: Where are we on this map?
PUBLISHING GIRL: Right here. So the next stop should be ...
GRAD-STUDENT GIRL: Aha, 72nd Street.

(at Starbucks)

30ish woman: Starbucks, Barnes and Noble and Staples are my three favorite companies! Starbucks first, of course.
Starbucks woman: I would pick IKEA if I had to choose. Why Staples?
30ish woman: Becuase every time I go in there, I find 20 things I didn't know I needed! It's great!

Me: Dinner?
Guy: Nope, lunch actually. I'm on the run.
Me: Are you going to be having dinner?
Guy: I hope so. Going over to a friend's.
Me: Ah.

Five minutes later:

Guy: Sorry, but does this smell?
Me: Nope. Smells just like a tuna sandwich.
Guy: Ok good.

I get up.

Me: Right then. See ya.
Guy: Enjoy your dinner.
Me: Aha.

English uncle: Gosh, if you didn't know where you were going, you'd be lost.

(the phone rings, Maureen answers)

ANNE: Hello, Maureen
MAUREEN: Hello, Anne.
ANNE: You well?
MAUREEN: I’m fine, thank you
ANNE: Well done! And George, how is he?
MAUREEN: He’s fine. And yourself?
ANNE: I’m fine. How’s the guest room coming along?
MAUREEN: Quite well, we got the first coat of paint down now. I tell you, I saw a lovely hat-stand the other day down the market.
ANNE: Did you?
MAUREEN: Yes, a nice charcoal grey colour. I don’t know what I should do with it, but…
ANNE: You put coats on it, dear…
MAUREEN: Ho-ho, I mean where do I put it? The upstairs landing or the guest room? Of course I’ve no use for two hat-stands in the hall, yet I don’t want it to clash with the amethyst pelmet at the top of the stairs….. it is rather a dilemma……
ANNE: Well it always is, isn’t it? I’m looking for some things to decorate my Benji’s room at the moment, BHS are doing a sale and I can’t open my purse quick enough when I see anything in peach.
MAUREEN: Ooh, that’s lovely. What more would a 16 year old wish for? Speaking of shopping, did you know that beans have gone from 16p to 15p at Harrowdales Market?
ANNE: Good gracious! I never knew that!
MAUREEN: Yes, no need to raid my daughter’s life savings now! Ho-ho!
ANNE: How is Hannah, by the way?
MAUREEN: She’s fine. She was a bit tired this morning, but she’s fine.
ANNE: Lovely. Why doesn’t she do more of those lovely powder paintings?
MAUREEN: That was 17 years ago, Anne.
ANNE: Still, she could still do a couple…
MAUREEN: Yes, with the powder paints you get her for Christmas every year. Sadly there’s no convincing her. But she does paint nice stars all over her bedroom, though…..
ANNE: My Benji does lovely drawings. I wish they weren’t all of nude ladies, and mutilated angel corpses chained to burning crucifixes. I suppose he’ll find his feet one day. Hannah was tired, you say?
MAUREEN: Yes, indeed! I went into her room at 6am this morning to give her bed its monthly airing, and she was very tired! I’ve never seen anything like it!
ANNE: Well, Maureen, you know that girl isn’t getting enough yeast extract for her age.
MAUREEN: Yeast extract?
ANNE: Yes, I swear by it. You can get it at Harrowdales Mini Mart for a quarter!
MAUREEN: Really? Not from a chemist?
ANNE: No, from Elsie Chadwick’s Olde Worlde stall between the shoelaces and the pierogi……
MAUREEN: Well, I am shocked! It’s just shocking what people can pick up off the streets these days! I am putting Susie on the reins next time I visit Harrowdales!
ANNE: Quite on the mark, dear! I never even let Benji off mine to start with!
MAUREEN: He does so wander off sometimes, I must say.
ANNE: Exactly, but what thanks do I get for shielding him from the world’s horrors? Nothing!
MAUREEN: Me too. You should see what my Susie has turned into. Me and George locked her in her room for a mere two weeks when we had that excursion to my sister’s Tuscan villa.
ANNE: I remember that, you looked radiant…
MAUREEN… and when I returned, the little madam had got the police, the NSPCC and the CSA onto us. What a stuff and nonsense!
ANNE: That’s so ungrateful.
MAUREEN: I disowned her, disinherited her and from now on she sleeps in the kennel with her baby sister.
ANNE: You are too mellow, Maureen. My Benji trudged into the kitchen at 7am this morning, shoddily dressed, asking if he could skip porridge. Immediately I amputated both his legs and arms with a rusty saw and stabbed him 25 times with a screwdriver. His writhing, contorted body is right next to me on the carpet and as yet I haven’t heard a word of an apology.
MAUREEN: I don’t know…. Kids today, eh? (sigh)
ANNE: (sigh)
MAUREEN: Hang on, did you just say you stabbed your son 25 times with a screwdriver?
ANNE: That I did, why?
MAUREEN: May I borrow it, please? George needs to fix the loose floorboard in the guest room.
ANNE: Oh, I think I can manage that, dear! (pause) Oh my gosh!
MAUREEN: What’s the matter?
ANNE: I’ve just won £2 on a scratchcard!
MAUREEN: Ho-ho! Lucky you!
ANNE: Yes, looks like it will be Asda Own Brand Bony Hake Pie tonight after all, Maureen....

m: do you have any biscuits?
me: nope
m: no, did you have a bicuit?
me: no, what buscuits?
m: the ones I bought in, do you want one?
me: yes please
m: oh, I think they are all gone, everyone enjoyed them
me: oh
m: you weren't here
me: I've been here all day!!
m: I'll get you a buscuit
me: don't worry, it's okay
m: I'll buy you a whole packet
me: there's really no need
m: I'll go and see if there are any left
me: okay, cool

Friday

m: do you have any buscuits?
me: no

Me: "It's the opposite with me: I have a clear image of the faces of my friends in my mind, but I'm shitty at remembering the faces of other acquaintances. Just yesterday two different people greeted me, and I couldn't remember who either one of them was."

[pause]

Me: "Maybe these two capabilities exclude each other. You can have one but not the other."

Her: "Yeah, maybe."

Her: "I'm more into prog bands like Dream Theater. But they have the guitar solos you hate."

Me: "Yeah, as I said, guitar solos are the epitome of Western decadence. The time wasted for a guitar solo could be spent picking yam or something."

[silence]

Me: "You are such a bore. You don't even get irritated, as much as I try to."

Her: "No, I don't react that way."

Me: "I was just trying to get you heated up, so this long walk home through the cold autumn night would pass by quicker."

Her: "Oh. How nice."

Her: "You know, there are three different ways how people react to what other people say. There's those who react verbally, and those react emotionally, and those react physically, with violence. I think I often react emotionally but not verbally."

Me: "It's okay, as long as there isn't violence involved."

Me: "The one you saw in Berlin? Yeah."

Her: "I'm going there tomorrow, I wonder if I could text him and ask him if he'd cut my hair?"

Me: "Sure, what's the problem?"

Her: "The problem is, I think he has a girlfriend who's either very pregnant or she's just given birth, and I can't go at his place to get my hair cut. But I can't ask him to my parents' place either, they've never even seen him."

Me: "What makes him so good at cutting hair?"

Her: "He's a trained hairdresser?"

Me: "Oh. And he still isn't gay?"

Her: "No, he's very straight. But I don't think he's ever done it for living."

Me: "Oh. Does he get his living from rock'n'roll then?"

Her: "Who knows, maybe he does."

Me: "But you said the band's name is Anal Thunder..."

Me: "What for?"

Him: "Come on, you can afford it!"

Me: "Well, okay. What do you want?"

Him: "Er, a gin tonic."

[I go buy him a drink. When I return he's talking to another friend.]

Him: "...you know, I am, like, Jesus."

Her: "Oh."

Me: "Here's your gin tonic."

Him: "Thanks."

[He focuses on drinking it.]

Her: "You bought him a drink?"

Me: "Yeah. He is Jesus, you know."

Her: "I see, I guess it's good to buy a drink for Jesus."

Me: "Yeah, I hope he'll remember me on the Last Judgement."

Me: "Who's applying nail polish?"

Her: "It's me, sorry."

Me: "It's okay, I just noticed the smell."

Her: "I'm going to a party straight after work, if I'd done the all this at home before I came here, I'd probably still be on my way."

Me: "Do the ladies toilets here have good facilities for doing make up? The mirrors and stuff?"

Her: "They're just ordinary toilets, there's nothing particular about them."

Me: "You know, in the new wing they have the sort of a big mirror and make up table in ladies' room."

Her: "They do?"

Me: "Yeah, the toilets didn't have any signs on them, that's how we figured which one was for girls and which one for guys."

Repeat to fade

[Later...]

Girl I: Great, now I have to go and buy some sweets too. It's all your fault! [Points at Guy I and Girl II.]
Me: No, it's not. Get some willpower!
Girl I: Pfft!

Her: Here's a slice of bread for you.
Me: Thanks.
Her: I'm sorry, but I don't have any tomato or cucumber top put on top of it.
Me: Oh dear. You've lured me here with your siren's call and with your promises of tomato and cucumber, and this is what I get?
Her: Yeah.

V: I FOUND A SONG FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111
V: 0849. Baby Bird - [The Happiest Man Alive #17] You'll Get A Slap [3:15]
me: hehehehe
me: more songs about kinky sex, bondage, bdsm etc plz :-)
V: haha
V: I am sure Momus has loads
me: hahaha probably
me: i want to post this exchange on ILX now :-)
V: DO IT
V: DODODODODODODO
me: nah
V: bah

cws: the thing that is most surprising here [in Prague] is that
me: they don't speak english?
cws: their cucumbers are fantastic.
me: really!
me: i love cucumbers.
cws: no everybody speaks english.
me: yeah
me: same here in chicago.

[General laughter.]

Me: "May I quote you on that?"

A: Rachel's gone to the library.
R (not me): no she hasn't, look.
Me: no, I'm back.
A: oh was it closed then?
Me: no. I was just quick.

ha xpost

Stop sign, Roxbury Drive

Midlife crisis man: I guess dinner is out of the question?
me: What makes you think that?
Mcm: Dinner tonight?
me: I like your Ferrari.
Mcm: I guess dinner tonight is out of the question?
me (pointing at red convertible): Isn't that what that's for?
Mcm: I guess dinner tonight is out of the question?
me: Where do you want to go?
Mcm: Las Vegas?
me: Joël Robuchon.
traffic light: changes

http://www.flickr.com/photos/82112002@N00/1016894609/

I have waited for stop signs to change before.

And have they?

They never do.

"Well, the piano bar was quite evident."

Also,

"What are you going to do about this warrant out for your arrest?"

i thought this was the new chicago thread

7/10

B-

Wait so dude basically pulled up to you in a Ferrari to reject himself?

Maybe I cut him off or something.

Maybe, but "I guess dinner is out of the question?" is kind of an odd line. Was there a context that you left out or was that his opener?

"Hi. I'm Steve. I guess you probably don't want me to buy you a drink."

maybe you missed "I don't suppose" or something?

We're supposed to post them, not have them.

:)

Me to my wife: "So I was pulling into this parking space in front of the building, and a car was kind of blocking the other side of the road, and a guy in a Jeep comes behind me and gets way too close, even though I'm obviously signaling. And he starts honking. So I rolled down my window and gave him a look, and he screams 'HEY YOU'RE STOPPING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD DUDE!' and so I said 'YEAH DUDE THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU PARK DUDE!' And he drove off."

Wife: ...

i bet that "..." is a real funny look

Temp: Hello James
Me: Hello! Having traumas with the photocopier today
Temp: No, it's okay today
Me: Cool, okay see ya later
Temp: see ya

Then I sorta walked round in a circle before leaving the room. Strange.

(by Jersey City PATH stop)
Man: Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Penn Station?
Me: New York Penn Station?
Man: No, New Jersey Penn Station.
Me: Oh, you need to get on the PATH train that says "Newark"
Man: No but I mean how do I get there.
Me: You need to take the PATH
Man: How far is it? Can I walk?
Me: About 10 miles, if you want to walk down Route 1/9.
Man: Oh, so where is it?
Me: It's in Newark.
Man: Where am I?
Me: Jersey City
Man: Oh, because the lady told me to get off here.
Me: Well, she must have been a bit confused.

me: I bought something, but I didn't get my ticket validated.
Parking lot attendant: Sorry, you need the sticker.
me; That's okay. (hands over eight dollars)
PLA: Thank you. Have a great day.
me: Thanks. You too.

me: hi I put this book on order in the library system, it was in French so I took it out a min later but the charge for the order is still on the system.
Librarian: so the charge is still on the system
me: ...ok, but there was no admin, can we get it off.
librarian: no its not off its still on the system
me: no no...can you click the link in my account and I can show what I've done
librarian: I can't delete this off as the book hasn't arrived yet
me: it won't because i took it off but the charge for this is on the system
librarian: the charge is on the system
me: er, I'll come back later

Bump

Not had any truly banal conversations lately, or maybe just not internally flagging them for sharing

Sorry, that was a pretty banal bump

I miss my old banal convos with my work colleague. Working from home limits banal conversation opportunity.