NINETEEN NINETY FUNNY THREAD 3

Warm regards,
Robert Syrett

-- jill schoelen is the queen of my dreams! (mandeewrigh...) (webmail), January 14th, 2005 6:28 PM. (Homosexual II) (link)

-- Tantrum The Cat (tantrumtheca...), January 14th, 2005. (Tantrum The Cat)

-- lolita corpus (drgrea...) (webmail), January 15th, 2005 9:10 PM. (lolitacorpus) (link)

AND THE ANSWER IS YES IT DOES, BECAUSE THE TEENAGERS KNOW. EVEN IF YOU DON'T. AND TEENAGERS RULE THE WORLD.

-- Bimble... (bimble87...) (webmail), January 16th, 2005 8:19 AM. (Bimble...) (link)

-- Star Cauliflower (spen...), January 19th, 2005. (Star Cauliflower)

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taking your lady to a vending machine is a nice move
-- I'm serious ... Ti-i-i-i-im (power.strik...) (webmail), November 23rd, 2004 10:25 AM. (deangulberry) (link)

-- S!monB!rch (flembac...), January 21st, 2005.

carey is one character away from truth right there.

-- mark p (mark.p****...), January 21st, 2005.

-- LSD ARISTOCAT (jonathan.william...) (webmail), January 16th, 2005 4:42 PM. (ex machina) (link)

-- briania (lyriclas...), December 5th, 2002 10:20 AM.

-- Allyzay Highlights The Fallacy of Radiohead (allyza...), January 22nd, 2005. (allyzay)

-- miccio (anthonyisrigh...) (webmail), January 23rd, 2005 7:58 AM. (miccio) (link)

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"A company of porcupines crowded themselves very close together one cold winter's day so as to proft by one another's warmth and so save themselves from being frozen to death. But soon they felt one another's quills, which induced them to separate again. And now, when the need for warmth brought them nearer together again, the second evil arose once more. So that they were driven backwards and forwards from one trouble to the other, until they discovered a mean distance at which they could most tolerably exist."
-- Drew Daniel (mces...) (webmail), January 25th, 2005 9:35 AM. (Drew Daniel) (link)

YOU ARE SMART, BUT SCOTTISH

-- Drew Daniel (mces...), January 27th, 2005 3:21 PM. (Drew Daniel)

I Love Music | New Answers | Unanswered Questions | Ask A Question
ilXor.com | >ILE
Tim Ellison | Settings | Logout

Utterly fecking mega

-- Indie Innes (iindi...), January 27th, 2005.

-- debden (debdenherringbon...), February 3rd, 2005

hi lauren, when are you coming back? also, can you guess which of our mutual friends made out with tommy saleh last month?
-- phil-two (philtw...) (webmail), February 4th, 2005 9:53 AM. (phil-two) (link)

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Was it the mutual friend of yours who's a blind, braindead twat?
-- Markelby (boyincorduro...) (webmail), February 4th, 2005 9:54 AM. (Mark C) (link)

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::deep breath::
mark, please.

phil, i don't know.. was it the one who made out with him already?

-- lauren (warmleatherett...) (webmail), February 4th, 2005 9:57 AM. (laurenp) (link)

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fwiw, i like tommy. if everyone judged each other solely on the printed/typed word, there'd be all sorts of misunderstandings. eh, mark?
-- lauren (warmleatherett...) (webmail), February 4th, 2005 9:59 AM. (laurenp) (link)

-- Markelby (boyincorduro...), October 28th, 2004 5:19 PM. (Mark C) (later)

-- C-Man (cma...), February 5th, 2005.

Oh no fucking shit - to the point that "feminism" now no longer really means anything, you might want to argue.

I'm very well read on this subject, as it so happens, and had to study it in depth at one point as it relates to horror entertainment - but also, inevitably, to porn.

Recently, I've spoken one-to-one with Marilyn Chambers and Ron Jeremy and had their thoughts on the topic, first hand, so - you know - personally I'd say I've actually gone to more lengths to discuss this shit than any of you.

-- C-Man (cma...), February 7th, 2005.
Which isn't meant to be a dig, I just get very very annoyed when someone takes the, "I bet you've not read this" view with me. It's a fucking chat forum not an academia wank site. Fuckssake.

-- C-Man (cma...), February 7th, 2005.

-- Daniel Cohen (danielcohe...), February 6th, 2005 4:37 PM. (dayan)

THEN VAPORIZE. BONGS ARE FOR COLLEGE STUDENTS.

-- A sprawling collection of raw instrumental rock (stupidpum...), February 8th, 2005. (ddb)

So is pot snobbery.

-- Michael White (Sanmichel...), February 8th, 2005. (Hereward)

NO, SNOBBERY IS FOR GRAD STUDENTS.

-- A sprawling collection of raw instrumental rock (stupidpum...), February 8th, 2005. (ddb)

YOU PUT ALL RELEVANT WORKS YOU "CONSULTED", WHETHER YOU CITED THEM IN THE PAPER OR NOT, IN THE BIBLIOGRAPHY

A "WORKS CITED" PAGE IS A LIST OF ONLY THE WORKS YOU HAVE ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY CITED IN THE ARTICLE.

THAT IS MLA STYLE.

CHICAGO STYLE IS DIFFERENT IN THAT IT COMBINES WORKS CITED WITH BIBLIOGRAPHY.

THAT BEING SAID, IF YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CITATIONS WHATSOEVER WITHIN YOUR PAPER, YOU'RE GOING TO GET A SHITTY GRADE FOR "OVERRELIANCE" ON ONE SOURCE SO WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING TO "PAD" YOUR BIBLIOGRAPHY IF YOU'RE ONLY GOING TO ACTUALLY CITE ONE SOURCE?

GET ONE STYLE MANUAL. YOU'RE IN COLLEGE.

SORRY FOR THE ALL CAPS BUT DUDE SERIOUSLY WE WERE REQUIRED TO BUY THE FUCKING STYLE MANUAL. DO YOUR OWN HOMEWORK.

-- Allyzay Dallas Multi-Pass (allyza...), February 9th, 2005. (allyzay)

-- miss chievous grin (twostepjule...) (webmail), February 8th, 2005 11:44 AM. (miss chevious grin) (link)

i have hippie babes into Phish (A fucking much better band) on my jock all the time THANKS

-- he does guitar with his mouth lmao mint (jonathan.william...) (webmail), February 8th, 2005 11:47 AM. (ex machina) (link)

-- Markelby (boyincorduro...) (webmail), February 8th, 2005 7:54 AM. (Mark C) (link)

-- gygax! (gygax0...) (webmail), February 9th, 2005 2:45 PM. (gygax!) (link)

-- he does guitar with his mouth lmao mint (jonathan.william...), February 11th, 2005 3:29 PM. (ex machina)

-- Alex in NYC (vassifer@earthlink.net) (webmail), February 14th, 2005 5:12 PM. (vassifer) (link)

-- VegemiteGrrl (sharonjo...) (webmail), February 14th, 2005 11:08 PM. (VegemiteGrrl) (link)

-- scott seward (skotro...), February 15th, 2005 8:55 AM. (scott seward)

SUPERAIDS

-- The Argunaut (jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj...), February 15th, 2005.

-- mike h. (m...), February 15th, 2005 11:05 AM. (mike h.)

HI DERE DEANO

-- jarlrmai (parker...) (webmail), July 28th, 2004 4:06 PM. (Celeste) (link)

-- dan bunnybrain (bunnybrai...), February 16th, 2005 12:19 PM. (dan bunnybrain)

-- Mickey (modestmicke...), February 18th, 2005 10:28 PM. (modestmickey)

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Mickey OTM
-- gabbneb (gabbne...), February 18th, 2005 10:30 PM. (gabbneb)

-- Matos-Webster Dictionary (michaelangelomato...), February 19th, 2005. (M Matos)

my phone is dead! I need someone to email me about this asap, please!

-- Matos-Webster Dictionary (michaelangelomato...), February 19th, 2005. (M Matos)

Comical sexism on a message board, however, where various people treat it was the cannon of offensiveness and get wound up = hilarious.

-- CRW (...), February 21st, 2005 7:00 AM. (CRW)

SMITHS R FOR FAGS.

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), February 19th, 2005.

STICKING YOUR HARD COCK IN A HAIRY ASSHOLE IS ALSO FOR FAGS

-- The Argunaut (jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj...), February 19th, 2005.

that's why girls get brazilians.

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), February 19th, 2005.

have any of you tried the krispy kreme "cheesecake" donuts?

-- Amateur(ist) (am...), February 20th, 2005.

-- LaToya JaXoN (jaso...), February 25th, 2005 11:37 AM. (JasonD)

Answering this question will make me feel inadequate as a critic, so I'm not going to.

-- jaymc (jmcunnin...), February 25th, 2005 11:42 AM. (jaymc)

YOU HAVE A SMALL WANG!!

-- LaToya JaXoN (jaso...), February 25th, 2005 11:44 AM. (JasonD)

Give it a rest, the indie guilt thread was years ago, fags.

ps. I like the new, cynical miccio. I will be the first to say salud! at least the crappy bands he likes sell records.

-- hstencil (hstenc!...) (webmail), February 28th, 2005 3:02 AM. (hstencil) (link)

-- charleston charge (chaki.tim...) (webmail), February 28th, 2005 5:08 AM. (chaki) (link

-- Morg (Morgwhitefuneralfacad...), March 1st, 2005 12:48 AM.

-- Necros (unabletopullitogethe...), March 1st, 2005 11:15 PM.

-- Malc Trewarthur (Trewarthurfami...), March 2nd, 2005.

-- Maggie O'Connor (elisabethdonnell...), March 2nd, 2005.

Answers

why are you so cute and cuddly like a l'il ol' paddington bear?!?

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), March 2nd, 2005.

-- gygax! (gygax0...), March 3rd, 2005.

I'd hit it

-- Drew Daniel (mces...), March 3rd, 2005.

"field recordings"

-- Ian John50n (dr.carl.saga...), March 3rd, 2005.

"mating rituals"

-- gygax! (gygax0...), March 3rd, 2005.

"i like to do it folkways."
m.

-- msp (...), March 3rd, 2005.

ROFFLES!

http://www.o-art.org/history/50s&_60s/RErickson/ThinkingSound/ThinkingSound5.html

read to near-end of second paragraph

-- Stormy Davis (electrifyingmoj...), March 4th, 2005.

ACES STORMY!!!

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no love interest = the hero is gay. also its EVA GREEN from THE DREAMERS
-- fe zaffe (fezaff...) (webmail), March 7th, 2005 1:34 PM. (fezaffe) (link)

2. LAX-HMS Host
201 World Way
Los Angeles, CA 90045-5807 US
310-646-3479

3. LAX Airport Kiosk-HMS Host
201 World Way American Eagle Terminal
Los Angeles, CA 90049 US

4. Manhattan Beach-Chili's
2620 N. Sepulveda Blvd, Suite B
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266-2724 US
310.546.5847

5. Monrovia-Chili's
630 W. Huntington Dr.
Monrovia, CA 91016-3206 US
626-303-1604

6. Candlewood-Chili's
4931 Candlewood
Lakewood, CA 90712-1834 US
562-602-1808

7. Torrance-Chili's
21835 Hawthorne Blvd.
Torrance, CA 90503-7003 US
310-792-9012

8. Encino-Chili's
17240 Ventura Blvd
Encino, CA 91316 US
818.906.8469

9. La Habra-Chili's
1600 W. Imperial Highway
La Habra, CA 90631-6999 US
562-690-7491

10. Puente Hills-Chili's
17588 Castleton
City of Industry, CA 91748-1701 US
626-581-4769

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I thought YOU had an accent
-- adam.r.l. (adamr...), March 8th, 2005 11:17 AM. (nordicskilla) (later) (admin)

This would be mega - Tarantino does Jason sounds too good to be true but let's hope this happens.
-- Zarr (...), March 8th, 2005.

-- RS £aRue (oumtransmission...) (webmail), March 9th, 2005 8:42 PM. (rockist_scientist) (link)

adamrl said this?

-- cutty (holle...) (webmail), March 9th, 2005 8:45 PM. (mcutt) (link)

Monchichi, monchichi,
oh so soft and cuddly,
with their thumb in their mouth they're really neat,
fun to wiggle their little feet!
la la la
la la la

-- green uno skip card (j()nathan.william$@geeMaleDotCom), March 13th, 2005.

-- green uno skip card (j()nathan.william$@geeMaleDotCom), March 15th, 2005 11:56 PM. (ex machina)

http://www.shapeshifting.org/images/freetoby.gif

peta commandos!
m.

you're more moronic than you are! get a life you should have been blowjob!

"Yeah, Calvin?"

"Something in my bed is drooling."

Hobbes shifted around, frowning in the dark. "You mean under the bed?"

Calvin shook his head. "No, in the bed," he insisted. "There's a wet spot here." He wiggled around uncomfortably, nearly jumping at the small groan Hobbes let out. "Are you ok?"

"Um, yeah, I'm...I'm fine." Hobbes scooted away from his bedmate.

"Hobbes? What's wrong?" Concerned about his friend, Calvin reached out. He yanked his hand back as if burned. "H-Hobbes?"

"Sorry," Hobbes whispered miserably.

"It's...it's ok," Calvin whispered back. He reached out again, carefully touching the rigid flesh that jutted towards him, leaking it's fluids onto the bed.

Hobbes stifled a hoarse cry at the tentative touches, covering his mouth with a paw to muffle the sounds he was making.

"You're hard," Calvin said in a soft, wondering voice. Daring now, he circled his small fingers around Hobbes' arousal and stroked.

"Calvin!" Hobbes gasped the name out loudly, forgetting his earlier attempt to remain silent.

"This is so cool." Calvin curled in closer to Hobbes' fuzzy body, reaching out with his other hand. He grinned as his fingers brushed over the tiny spines scattered along the length of Hobbes' erection. "You're even fuzzy here," he told Hobbes in an awed voice. "It's leaking a lot, too."

"It's a tiger thing," Hobbes managed to respond as he writhed under Calvin's innocent touch.

Calvin continued to pump, growing steadily more excited himself. He'd played with his own penis before, but it had never occurred to him that Hobbes had one too, and that it would be even more fun to play with his. Especially since it was so much longer!

"Calvin, that's...oh!...that's really...ah!...don't stop!" Hobbes thrust his hips up, pumping into the soft tunnel of flesh that Calvin's hands had formed around him.

Calvin hummed happily to himself for a while, but then his hands stilled. His forehead wrinkled in thought. "Hobbes?"

Hobbes stifled a groan. "Y-yes?"

"Are we having sex?"

"Um...kinda. I mean...well, almost?" He was expected to hold intelligent conversation at a time like this?

"Oh." Calvin sounded rather forlorn. "Well, how do we do it right, then?"

"We'd...well, we'd have to...you know."

"I do?"

"Yes! I mean..." Hobbes sighed heavily. "It's kind of hard to explain."

"So show me, then. You...do know what to do, don't you?"

"I-I guess. I do watch nature shows, you know," Hobbes retorted. "You have to take your pajamas off," he instructed after a moment's thought.

"You could have said so in the first place," Calvin muttered as he wiggled out of his clothing.

"Are you trying to ruin the mood?" Hobbes snapped peevishly.

Bare now, Calvin stared at Hobbes. "Geez, sorry!" He pouted, arms crossed over his chest.

Hobbes stared at Calvin's protruding lower lip and smiled. "It's ok," he whispered. "Um, turn over onto your tummy."

Calvin complied. "What are you going to do?" There was no reply, and the rasp of a rough tongue down his back made him hiss and arch up convulsively. He could feel his own dick stiffen quickly, jabbing into the mattress.

Hobbes purred softly as he tasted Calvin's skin. He licked everywhere, leaving no spot unbathed.

Calvin stuffed his pillow into his mouth to muffle the scream when Hobbes' tongue passed over his quivering anus. "Hobbes!" he protested weakly. "What are you doing?"

Hobbes ignored the protest and continued laving the sensitive flesh thoroughly. The scent, the taste, the texture; it all combined to drive him absolutely wild. He growled under his breath, and his paws kneaded the mattress on either side of Calvin's hips.

Calvin gave up on speech and began to press back against the wickedly mobile tongue that seemed intent on probing ever crevice of his body. And then he let out a screech when it did, slipping past the tight pucker of muscle and slithering in deep. Hobbes' whiskers were tickling against his butt as his tongue worked inside him, and Calvin didn't know whether to laugh, cry or scream. He settled for whimpering softly.

Hobbes continued to lick and probe, his agile tongue opening Calvin up for his further advances. Finally, he couldn't hold back any longer. His erection was begging for attention, and the humping motions he was making against the bedsheets just weren't enough. He pulled his face away, his tongue leaving Calvin's body with a wet slurp. He licked his muzzle. "Calvin?"

"Wzzhuh?"

"I'm gonna do it now, ok?"

Calvin nodded frantically, having decided that Hobbes' ideas in this department definitely had merit. "'Kay."

Hobbes prowled up the bed, crouching over Calvin. With just a slight wiggle, he aligned his penis to Calvin's loosened hole. He pushed forward.

Calvin gasped and moaned as the head popped inside. The moan turned into a low, drawn-out cry of pleasure as Hobbes advanced, his long, thin cock sliding easily inside. The soft spines tickled against his stretched opening, making him twitch uncontrollably.

Never in his life had Hobbes experienced anything so hot, so tight, so...gooood. Fully buried inside of Calvin, he waited a moment before pulling back and then thrusting forward again.

Calvin's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. As Hobbes' erection forged its way into his willing body, it passed over a spot that shot sparks of lightening through him. And he could still feel those spines, brushing against the inner walls of his ass, heightening the sensitivity of nerve endings he never knew he had. Nerves he was never likely to forget existed, now.

The quiet room soon filled with moans, gasps, purrs and growls as the two rocked together. Calvin was completely surrounded by the furry body of his friend, his lover. He rocked against the bed, impaled wonderfully by the throbbing cock lodged deep inside of him. It soon became too much, and when Hobbes carefully nipped the back of his neck, he gave a full-body shudder and came, his limbs convulsing spasmodically from the jolts of intense pleasure.

Hobbes nearly let out a yowl when Calvin's muscles started to twitch and quiver around him, drawing him in deeper, milking him. Some part of his brain dimly registered the ripping sound as his claws tore through the sheets, but he was more focused on the ripples of pleasure that washed over him as he came, spurting his seed inside of his lover, claiming him, marking him. He collapsed on Calvin's back, gasping for air.

Calvin's body was more relaxed than it had ever been. He grinned when Hobbes flopped down on top of him, still purring in his ear. He yawned, snuggling black against his warm, furry blanket. "So...that was sex, huh?"

Hobbes let out a rumbling snort. "Yeah, that was sex."

Calvin grinned sleepily. "Cool."

-- webber (mrs_shiple...), August 15th, 2002 6:00 PM.

-- bro dudely (power.strik...), March 30th, 2005 6:10 PM. (deangulberry)

-- Curious George Finds the Ether Bottle (crump...), March 30th, 2005 8:09 PM. (Rock Hardy)

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NOISE!!!
-- BOATPEOPLEHATEFUCK (j()nathan.william$@geeMaleDotCom), March 30th, 2005 8:12 PM. (ex machina)

I BET JAXON PICKZ UP 1 CELLFONE.

WHERE AS DEANER..............BAH.

-- ddb (stupidpum...), March 31st, 2005.

I don't pick up for gheys!

-- bro jackson (he knows) (power.strike@gmail.com), March 31st, 2005.

c'mon, you live in los angeles.

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), March 31st, 2005.

I had a joke that said "Wait, that's not true; I talked to gygax once" but my message wouldn't post. Oh well. Truth is though, I don't live in Los Angeles any more than you live in Manhattan.

-- bro jackson (he knows) (power.strike@gmail.com), March 31st, 2005.

not even same county?

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), March 31st, 2005.

drama

-- charleston charge (chaki.tim...), March 31st, 2005.

4 yr mama

-- charleston charge (chaki.tim...), March 31st, 2005.

my mom would fall asleep

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), March 31st, 2005.

-- Michael Patrick Shannon (damikester8...), January 29th, 2003.

-- bro jackson (he knows) (power.strike@gmail.com), April 1st, 2005.

fuck you
-- charleston charge (chaki.tim...), April 3rd, 2005.

New contender for worst thing I've ever read on ILM.

-- billstevejim (billsteveji...), April 3rd, 2005 11:28 PM. (later)

fuck you. suck my dick.

-- charleston charge (chaki.tim...), April 3rd, 2005 5:17 AM. (chaki) (later)

-- Masonic Cathedral (masonicboo...), April 4th, 2005 8:34 AM.

New contender for worst thing I've ever read on ILM.

-- billstevejim (billsteveji...), April 3rd, 2005 11:28 PM. (later)

-- James Slone (freontrotsk...), April 2nd, 2005 12:11 AM.

daaaaamn

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), April 7th, 2005 1:08 AM. (hstencil) (later)

..and?

-- shine headlights on me (electricsoun...), April 7th, 2005 1:09 AM. (electricsound) (later)

and i'm just saying. don't cry, jim, this isn't the "threads that made you cry" thread.

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), April 7th, 2005 1:10 AM. (hstencil) (later)

well, it's also not the "books that didn't make you cry because you thought they were corny" thread either

-- shine headlights on me (electricsoun...), April 7th, 2005 1:16 AM. (electricsound) (later)

i was just sayin', don't get all sensitive like you just read it.

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), April 7th, 2005 1:18 AM. (hstencil) (later)

-- shine headlights on me (electricsoun...) (webmail), April 7th, 2005 10:21 PM. (electricsound) (link)

fuck you, your band sucks and nobody cares, go cry.

-- hstencil (hstenc!...) (webmail), April 7th, 2005 10:22 PM. (hstencil) (link)

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), April 7th, 2005 1:08 AM. (hstencil) (later)

otfm, me too. i hate that book.

-- @@r0n h. z@nd3r$ (aaronhz@gmail.com), April 8th, 2005.

BACKPEDAL BACKPEDAL. FUCK OFF.

people who start referencing the big lebowski, george clinton and bill hicks in arguments about steely dan couldn't possibly be kidding now could they? you're just mad that you got pwned.

Love that song.

xp

-- David Svensson (power.strik...), April 8th, 2005

Gay things.

-- Plunging Hen (Fridaystreettreck...), April 13th, 2005. (later)

mmmmmmmmmmmm....hyper-kinetic baloney....*Homer drool*

-- $V£N! (stevem7...), April 13th, 2005. (blueski) (later)

But is it art?

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), April 13th, 2005. (Ned) (later)

Oh, it's you. Thought you might turn up.

Frankly, this sort of outpouring of postmodernism is exactly what I would expect from people who spend most of their waking days on chat boards.

-- Plunging Hen (Fridaystreettreck...), April 13th, 2005. (later)

Ah, you must be Calum's arty uncle.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), April 13th, 2005. (Ned) (later)

I am your intellectual overbite. You know that. Didn't you once have a poem published about you?

-- Plunging Hen (Fridaystreettreck...), April 13th, 2005. (later)

Answers

Severely overweight 39 year old women whose only reason to keep living is so they can do the karaoke at the Rose & Crown on Thursday night.

-- dog latin (doglati...), April 13th, 2005. (dog latin) (later)

....

what's your reason to keep living, dog latin?

-- RJG (RJ...), April 13th, 2005. (RJG) (later)