GRANDSON OF EXCELSIOR! Yet more 'posts that make you laugh out loud'!

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― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 23 August 2003 14:15 (twenty-two years ago)

That's not very funny, Ned :|

― Mark C (Mark C), Saturday, 23 August 2003 14:22 (twenty-two years ago)

*cries*

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 23 August 2003 14:26 (twenty-two years ago)

"Republicans are the best people"
"Really? I dunno. Last week I was hanging out with some f**s and a n*gg**, they seemed allright"

-- Millar (tmilla...), August 23rd, 2003 4:09 PM. (later)

― Mark C (Mark C), Saturday, 23 August 2003 14:27 (twenty-two years ago)

I like it when the LOL thread gets long because it means more when someone puts your post on there. They had to go to that much more of an effort.

― NA (Nick A.), Saturday, 23 August 2003 15:59 (twenty-two years ago)

"I just got my elbows chewed off by hamsters. It was amazing!"

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), March 21st, 2003

The thread this comes from has both hilarity and erudition in equal amounts, I'd guess.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 23 August 2003 20:42 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't really want to read the Wesley Willis thread because I'm afraid of what's happening in there, yeah well actually I don't care that much. Aye, anyway, I skimmed it and Blount's said it a few times so it's almost a meme but it always makes me laugh:

women be shopping!
- Blount.

― David. (Cozen), Saturday, 23 August 2003 22:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I mean it is a meme and that's kinda the point (Blount deflating it poking fun at it) but one Blount is obviously openly despising and disdaining and it's all very complex and great but he keeps on saying it because other people he doesn't like keep on saying it and it's all a play on how these things feed themselves and, err, stuff. It's funny, right? Good.

― David. (Cozen), Saturday, 23 August 2003 22:19 (twenty-two years ago)

+ obv, if he says it like that then he can maybe show up people who he likes or cares about discussions with however much he'd deny it or even just doesn't care about them but cares about discussion (because, y'know, he does despite what y'all think abt his clever witty barbed one-liners) by showing them that what they are saying is essentially, logically philosophically, the same as the ludicrous 'women be shopping' and they should stop and think the metaphor through and think 'oh'.

― David. (Cozen), Saturday, 23 August 2003 22:22 (twenty-two years ago)

I mean, maybe I'm misrepresenting James here, but James?

― David. (Cozen), Saturday, 23 August 2003 22:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Wow, 2nd to last post is mess-e. Sorry, but I'm not unscrambling it.

― David. (Cozen), Saturday, 23 August 2003 22:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, the thread it came from turned into a disaster but there was this:

just like in rand mcnally, where the hamburgers eat the people

-- electric sound of jim (electricsoun...), August 24th, 2003. (later)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 24 August 2003 05:13 (twenty-two years ago)

London should be #1 on list of most horrible worthless places to live. Everybody who says 'leave then', fuck you. I'm going to stay and make you miserable and if you don't like it you can eat shit. Anybody who says 'stay then', fuck you. Anybody says "well I'm having a great time", I hope you die. Anybody who claims to agree with me, well it's probably your fault anyway so fuck yourself. I don't care if people agree or disagree with me, as long as they just shut the fuck up or better yet just die. Fuck everybody. I'm tired of doing what anyone else says. I'm tired of doing anything that will have the slightest fucking benefit for anybody else besides me, even unintentionally. Anybody who says "not that you ever have done" can fuck off and die too. All I wish is pain and misery on everybody. I'm all I care about and the whole world "can eat shit for all I care"
-- dave qonnie marble (scrape10...), August 24th, 2003. (later)

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Sunday, 24 August 2003 13:20 (twenty-two years ago)

I would take "Take On Me" or "99 Luftballoons" over everything I've heard by New Order put together.
-- sundar subramanian (sundar_...), August 24th, 2003.

I have a handful of beans you might be interested in, Sundar.
-- N. (nickdastoo...), August 24th, 2003.

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Sunday, 24 August 2003 20:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Didn't Magnet put Tom Petty on the cover recently?

-- Aaron W (aaro...), August 21st, 2003. (later) (link)

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uhh, he's not black

-- s1utsky (parrisactava...), August 21st, 2003. (later) (link)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 25 August 2003 09:58 (twenty-two years ago)

what did you spend yr money ear[n]ed from bible-reading on, tep?
Comic books and root beer, I think.

-- Tep (te...), August 25th, 2003. (later) (link)

This post didn't make me laff, but it made me happy. Tep this is your greatest work yet.

― Leee (Leee), Monday, 25 August 2003 21:54 (twenty-two years ago)

dude, this totally goes against the second amendment. Don't you remember in Deuteronomy when Moses spake unto his people: "Whosoever among you who cannot abide by the ten simple fucking rules for dating my teenaged, er, obeying my God, might still find favour by using these heavy stone tablets as bludgeoning tools. Peace, Moses out."
-- Horace Mann (handsomishbo...), August 25th, 2003. (later)

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Monday, 25 August 2003 22:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Juvie as hell, but I actually let out a loud giggle. Who hasn't felt like this?:

c'mon fax me that shit biyotch so I can fax it to the biyotches that are waiting for it so I can get the fuck out of here fax it FAX IT FAAAX IIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!
-- nickalicious (nza2342...) (webmail), August 25th, 2003. (later)

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Monday, 25 August 2003 22:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Actually there's other good bits. Ecclesiastes basically tells you to sit around and smoke weed all day, and if you're like Ezekiel you might see some trippy space aliens. Song of Songs is like porno, and if you think filing your tax return is a pain in the ass check out Leviticus, holy shit. Lamentations is really good if you have some high-grade skunk and 'Heart of the Congos' on the box. Then in the New Testament somebody gets royally screwed by the DA for refusing a plea bargain, then this guy has an epileptic seizure and warns everybody not to drop the soap. The only bit I RILLY don't get is Genesis. It seems to be one story after another about ppl getting seriously fucked over, then being punished severely whenever they start shit about it. What's up with that?

-- dave q (@@@@), August 25th, 2003.

― Christine 'Green Leafy Dragon' Indigo (cindigo), Monday, 25 August 2003 23:15 (twenty-two years ago)

"Bukkake! Come here!"
-- Leee (redhalcyo...), August 26th, 2003.

From the Japanese cat names thread

― The Man they call Dan (The Man they call Dan), Tuesday, 26 August 2003 01:10 (twenty-two years ago)

i don't understand the attraction to all the graphically violent hyperbole. i didn't understand it in middle school, either.
-- amateurist (amateuris...), August 25th, 2003 4:46 PM. (amateurist)

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(just thinking of the last time in my life when it was prevalent)
-- amateurist (amateuris...), August 25th, 2003 4:47 PM. (amateurist)

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I think you mean "Rocket Man"
-- Horace Mann (handsomishbo...), August 25th, 2003 4:49 PM. (Horace Mann)

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 26 August 2003 04:02 (twenty-two years ago)

My entire attention reading this thread has been distracted by the U&K question "would Trife like Busted?"

-- Tom (freakytrigge...), August 26th, 2003. (later) (link)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 26 August 2003 13:06 (twenty-two years ago)

My sister sat me down one day and explained that John Denver was shit and in fact all my records were crap, and then she played "(Bend Over) Let Me See You Shake Your Tailfeathers" and "Strokin'" by Clarence Cater, and I went, "Oh".
-- Speedy Gonzalas (threefeetdee...), August 26th, 2003 4:05 AM. (Speedy Gonzalas)

Answers

hey your sister did the same thing for me too
-- chaki (chak...), August 26th, 2003 4:13 AM. (chaki)

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 26 August 2003 13:39 (twenty-two years ago)

i often make my mind up about music without ever having heard a single note of it...
-- Dave Stelfox (destelfo...), August 26th, 2003. (later)

why stop at 'often'?
-- dave q (scrape10...), August 26th, 2003. (later)

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Tuesday, 26 August 2003 15:00 (twenty-two years ago)

mark there's so much dizzee in the location i pointed you to.
-- Sterling Clover (s_clove...), June 10th, 2003 5:56 PM. (s_clover) (link) (admin) (65.113.83.2)

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ok i'm on it sterl!! i ph34r the interweb!! i am v.old!! new tricks!! dog!! :( :( :(
-- mark s (mar...), June 10th, 2003 6:07 PM. (mark s) (link) (admin) (81.6.216.239)

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mark there's so much dizzee in the location i pointed you to.
can you point anyone else there, sterling?!

-- toby (toby_ge...), June 10th, 2003 10:18 PM. (tsg20) (link) (admin) (195.92.168.173)

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actual can you repoint me there, i forgot where the pointing is?
-- mark s (mar...), June 10th, 2003 10:38 PM. (mark s) (link) (admin) (62.3.250.189)

― mark p (Mark P), Tuesday, 26 August 2003 17:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Just a manhattan or a mint julep for me please. I also love captain morgan & cokes but would be too embarassed to order that at a bar. Kill all those fruity drinks though. Who orders a Tequila Sunrise at a bar except trashy hos and college freshmen? And homos. Unless you're in Cancun or something, then its okay, I guess.
-- phil-two (philtw...), August 26th, 2003 2:21 PM. (phil-two)

― Bryan (Bryan), Tuesday, 26 August 2003 18:26 (twenty-two years ago)

It's okay to be a homo in Cancun?

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 26 August 2003 18:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Wasn't that on Free to Be You and Me?

― amateurist (amateurist), Tuesday, 26 August 2003 18:30 (twenty-two years ago)

It's okay to be a homo in Cancun?

secrets can't leave there

― mark p (Mark P), Tuesday, 26 August 2003 18:31 (twenty-two years ago)

"Elvis is Everywhere" also means he's inside your coochie

-- Tracer Hand (tracerhan...), August 26th, 2003. (later) (link)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 26 August 2003 21:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Though saying "I hate beer" on ILX may be akin to saying "I hate freedom" to Dubya Bush, I really really do hate it. Pretty much every time I've tried to drink it, even in small quantities, I've wound up puking violently -- one time projectile-vomiting across a table directly into the face of a friend. The smell, the taste, everything about beer evokes the unpleasant memories of puke.
-- jewelly (jewelly123...), August 26th, 2003 4:22 PM. (later)

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(... as opposed to all those pleasant memories of puke which I dearly cherish.)
-- jewelly (jewelly123...), August 26th, 2003 4:23 PM. (later)

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 26 August 2003 22:30 (twenty-two years ago)

From the "New Bible Format-God loves Morons Too! And Lip Gloss!" thread:

I've been reading the thread title as 'God loves Mormons Too!' and thought that was pretty magnanimous of the guy.
-- oops (don'temailmebitc...), August 27th, 2003 12:43 PM.

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I did the same thing! Only then I read "Lip Gloss" as "Calvinists," which isn't quite so reasonable.
-- Tep (te...), August 27th, 2003 12:46 PM.

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 27 August 2003 07:47 (twenty-two years ago)

I am a pickle maniac. I'll take out the jar of pickles, grab a fork, and have at it. I love sweet midgets and dill spears the best, but I am open to lots of different pickle formats. Whenever I get a sandwhich, I always ask for extra pickles which has produced the "ARe you pregnant, mam?" question a few too many times.

-- Sarah McLusky (x77tigersxu...), August 27th, 2003 9:17 AM. (coco)

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Are you pregnant, mam?
-- Mark C (boyincorduro...), August 27th, 2003 9:35 AM. (Mark C)

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I'm gonna slap you with a big pickle, Mark C!
-- Sarah McLUsky (x77tigersxu...), August 27th, 2003 9:53 AM. (coco)

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Sarah in randy tranny shocker!
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), August 27th, 2003 10:37 AM. (Dan Perry)

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 27 August 2003 13:42 (twenty-two years ago)

I love sweet midgets

I've never met a mean one.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 27 August 2003 13:44 (twenty-two years ago)

What about the one that sang with Kid Rock? He had a 'tude, huh?

― Sarah Mclusky (coco), Wednesday, 27 August 2003 13:46 (twenty-two years ago)

(FARSG is exactly the sound I'd make if I was asked attend a FARSG!)

-- donut bitch (do...), August 26th, 2003.

― Alex K (Alex K), Wednesday, 27 August 2003 14:03 (twenty-two years ago)

i work in a fairly small office with this philipino woman. nice woman, but always eats the most bogusly smellin food. so today, i farted in front of the fan, to
acccentuate the aroma of her food. she was not too appreciative.

-- ryan t hoffman (rthoffma...), August 27th, 2003.
I wouldn't so much say that it made me laugh, but it made me wonder why people around the world don't trust the American military more.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 27 August 2003 15:48 (twenty-two years ago)

If you'd seen Smith's new missus, you'd know that the "dirty old man" label perfectly fits. When the band that you're in has several records that are older than you are, that may be a bad sign.

-- Joshua Houk on ILM... in the Creepiest Men of Music thread talking about ol' Mark E.

― donut bitch (donut), Wednesday, 27 August 2003 20:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Trying to move a 10 Commandments monument is kind of silly, because our law is based on it, through its influence on Roman law; and on the Code of Hammurabi that preceded it. It makes perfect historical sense to have it in a courthouse.
What's the flap? If we want equal historical time for influences on American Constitutional/Federal law, why not place a Code of Hammurabi Stelae, a Roman law scroll, the English Magna Carta, and a Big Mac and Fries in a display case with it?

-- Orbit (cstarr...), August 25th, 2003 10:22 AM.

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People would get confused and try to order a Magna Carta for lunch.
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), August 25th, 2003 10:24 AM.

― o. nate (onate), Wednesday, 27 August 2003 22:31 (twenty-two years ago)

My racism is like WO
My xenophobia is like WO
Are you feelin' it?
Can you handle it?

*tap break*

-- Dan Perry (djperr...) (webmail), August 27th, 2003 10:45 AM. (Dan Perry) (later) (link)

― amateurist (amateurist), Thursday, 28 August 2003 03:19 (twenty-two years ago)

From the Commenting on your own burps thread:

Who else does this? My personal favorite quip, after an especially deep/resonant one: A Chuck D-in-"Bring the Noise"-style "BASS!"
(I figure as long as we're talking about workplace fartin'...)

-- Nate Patrin (natepatrin550...), August 28th, 2003.

― J-rock (Julien Sandiford), Thursday, 28 August 2003 08:02 (twenty-two years ago)

in details this month they make ashton (who is ugly and vain) look like rough trade, which is hot.

who is the fag who is doing the detail cover shoots, cause they make all of the stars of the days look like frat boys, juvies or other lower class homoerotic
funbots

-- anthony easton (anthonyeasto...), August 28th, 2003.

only because it proves the point I made in the ironic racism thread about how fluid context can be on ilx.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Thursday, 28 August 2003 14:42 (twenty-two years ago)

On Mars they just wiggle their deelyboppers at one another.
-- Tracer Hand (tracerhan...) (webmail), August 28th, 2003 11:59 AM. (tracerhand) (later) (link)

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Mars is Heaven.
-- Tep (te...) (webmail), August 28th, 2003 12:00 PM. (ktepi) (later) (link)

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Oooh heaven is a place on Mars.
-- Ned Raggett

― oops (Oops), Thursday, 28 August 2003 19:15 (twenty-two years ago)

(Geir returns; hits em wit da "he")

If he is into dance stuff, then Primal Scream's "Screamadelica" may be a step in the right direction for him.
However, I think that a 14YO is too young to be able to spot good music anyway, particularly if he is into non-music stuff like hip-hop, nu metal or other styles like those.

-- Geir Hongro (geirhon...), August 29th, 2003 10:21 PM. (GeirHong)

― howwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwl (gabbneb), Friday, 29 August 2003 01:34 (twenty-two years ago)

And how can you forget the imfamous Quincy Punk Rock Episode?

deserving of its own thread as there is no one in either britain or america that has not seen it. myself, i believe the punx would have been much better off listening to that the theme music from the show itself. if jack klugman had taken them down some white label 12s of it, they would have been much happier.

-- gareth (garet...), October 2nd, 2001 5:00 PM. (link)

― Chris Barrus (Chris Barrus), Friday, 29 August 2003 05:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Talking about Goldshlager:

you could pan for gold in your toilet! or maybe you did already, and that's what explains the second comment
-- s1utsky (parrisactava...) (webmail), August 29th, 2003 11:09 PM. (slutsky) (later) (link)

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sorry for grossing everyone out
-- s1utsky (parrisactava...) (webmail), August 29th, 2003 11:09 PM. (slutsky) (later) (link)

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"dammit, this is only fools shit!"
-- Trayce (trayc...) (webmail), August 29th, 2003 11:09 PM. (trayce) (later) (link)

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says the grizzled toilet prospector
-- s1utsky (parrisactava...) (webmail), August 29th, 2003 11:10 PM. (slutsky) (later) (link)

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there could be mini gold rushes every night at bars that had goldschlager specials!
-- s1utsky (parrisactava...) (webmail), August 29th, 2003 11:11 PM. (slutsky) (later) (link)

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Drink a lot and do some crunches, you can shit gold nuggets.
-- miloauckerman (mlpowel...) (webmail), August 29th, 2003 11:11 PM. (miloauckerman) (later) (link)

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Stop prospecting those grizzled toilets!
-- Tep (te...)

― oops (Oops), Friday, 29 August 2003 06:55 (twenty-two years ago)

Yay I finally made the LOL thread! *dance*

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 29 August 2003 07:02 (twenty-two years ago)

You had the best line there, too. I thought I had pasted you here before though. (pasted you here???)

― oops (Oops), Friday, 29 August 2003 07:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, Trayce, that was class :)

(and I am *longing* to be on here again, fwiw)

― Mark C (Mark C), Friday, 29 August 2003 08:48 (twenty-two years ago)

I thought everyone on friendster was trying to get laid.
-- Spencer Chow (spencercho...), August 28th, 2003 5:01 PM. (spencermfi) (later) (link)

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I thought everyone alive was trying to get laid.
-- mookieproof (ole04...), August 28th, 2003 5:04 PM. (mookieproof) (later) (link)

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well of course I was implying that everyone was using friendster in order to facilitate the getting of laid.
-- Spencer Chow (spencercho...), August 28th, 2003 5:08 PM. (spencermfi) (later) (link)

― Ally-zay (mlescaut), Friday, 29 August 2003 12:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Skipping 414 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

simon reynolds and randall simon being confused for each other is my single favorite ilx moment ever

― cinniblount (James Blount), Wednesday, 15 October 2003 04:00 (twenty-two years ago)

That actually keeps making me giggle and I dont even know who Randall Simon is - its just the confusion and subsequent realisation and "dammit!".

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 15 October 2003 04:01 (twenty-two years ago)

The real life news these days is starting to look like it was scripted by someone the Onion sacked for being too dark.
-- Anna (Fieldingann...), October 15th, 2003 6:57 AM. (Anna)

(another funny-cuz-it's-SOOOO-true one)

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 15 October 2003 13:15 (twenty-two years ago)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SIMON REYNOLDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG WTF

― Ally-zay, Wednesday, 15 October 2003 13:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Kenan won the indie-guilt nickname by a mile. Randall Simon Reynolds.

― bnw (bnw), Wednesday, 15 October 2003 15:15 (twenty-two years ago)

Ha ha!

― felicity (felicity), Wednesday, 15 October 2003 15:20 (twenty-two years ago)

a quick check of God's 'to do' list reveals the following:
1. Continue to allow suffering
2. Plan worst ever hurricane
3. Listen in on Radio 4 debate as to whether or not i exist
4. Give permission for Beyonce to wear micropants and spangly bra

-- stevem (bluesk...), October 15th, 2003 12:48 PM. (blueski)

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 15 October 2003 16:04 (twenty-two years ago)

fuck you

: D

-- RJG (r_gillander...), October 15th, 2003.

― Ally-zay, Wednesday, 15 October 2003 19:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Chicago, you've just gone down by 4 runs, now here's Billy Corgan!!

LOVE,

SATAN!!

-- Aaron A. (__...), October 16th, 2003.

― Ally-zay, Thursday, 16 October 2003 01:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Is California Dreamin' about going to California?

-- Debito (pleasedonotemailm...) (webmail), October 16th, 2003 10:12 PM. (Debito) (later) (link)

no, it's about dreamin'.

-- Annouschka Magnatech

― oops (Oops), Thursday, 16 October 2003 03:01 (twenty-two years ago)

My vice-principal told me once to think of California Dreamin' every time I pulled into our parking lot. I'm not sure what he meant by that. Oh wait. . .that was Hotel California. Hmm.

― A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Thursday, 16 October 2003 04:00 (twenty-two years ago)

god those 89 A's - Now THAT was a ballclub, not like these modern day punks with their Farnsworths and their Simon Reynolds
-- cinniblount (littlejohnnyjewe...), October 16th, 2003

― Ally-zay, Thursday, 16 October 2003 04:24 (twenty-two years ago)

OK I'm sorry but the baseball threads are keeping me alive right now:

the problem with rooting for the redsox is boston's full of assholes
-- cinniblount (littlejohnnyjewe...), October 16th, 2003.

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Unlike where?
-- bnw (rilke...), October 16th, 2003.

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unlike hotlanta! GET LOW GET LOW GET LOW!
-- cinniblount (littlejohnnyjewe...), October 16th, 2003.

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hotlanta -> rocker, chipper, pendleton! i call shenanigans!!!
-- Yanc3y (ystrickle...), October 16th, 2003.

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The city of Atlanta may not be comprised of assholes, but by god, their team is.
-- Ally-zay (bostonsuck...), October 16th, 2003.

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vick trumps all fukkers! VICK TRUMPS ALL!
-- cinniblount (littlejohnnyjewe...), October 16th, 2003.

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don't talk to me about anguish!
-- cinniblount (littlejohnnyjewe...), October 16th, 2003.

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you mention vick and my heart melts. all is forgiven.
-- Yanc3y (ystrickle...), October 16th, 2003.

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Why don't you just go stick your cock in Vick's ass already, Yancey, damn.
-- Ally-zay (...), October 16th, 2003.

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MAYBE I WILL ALLY! MAYBE I WILL!
-- Yanc3y (ystrickle...), October 16th, 2003.

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GET IN LINE YANCEY!
-- cinniblount (littlejohnnyjewe...), October 16th, 2003.

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OKAY THEN I'M BEHIND BLOUNT!
(can i take that back?\)

-- Yanc3y (ystrickle...), October 16th, 2003.

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Why don't you all just stick your cocks in John Rocker's ear and then fucking wave a goddamned bible at Andy Pettite while you do it with a fucking loop of Billy Corgan's rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" going in the background then? ASSHOLES.
-- Allyzay (wt...), October 16th, 2003.

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I didn't hear Corgan's rendition!!! I yelled at the bartender to mute the jukebox and blast the TV but she wouldn't listen! Was it awesome and angsty so that "the ballgame" sounded like an abusive dad??? i hope so!!!
-- Yanc3y (ystrickle...), October 16th, 2003.

― Ally-zay, Thursday, 16 October 2003 05:10 (twenty-two years ago)

"Hi, we're from the Jehovah's Witnesses, and we sincerely want to fuck the taste out of your mouth"
-- J0hn Darn1elle (edito...), October 16th, 2003 5:40 AM. (J0hn Darn1elle) (later) (link)

― teeny (teeny), Thursday, 16 October 2003 17:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Man, so much happens on the threads that I don't read.

― Kingfish (Kingfish), Thursday, 16 October 2003 18:01 (twenty-two years ago)

What are you all talking about?! It resembles a Checkers Hamburger box perched on giant Pick-Up Stix = it is clearly the greatest design triumph ever conceived. Sometimes i wonder if you all really do love everything after all.
-- Tracer Hand (tracerhan...), October 15th, 2003.

― Girolamo Savonarola, Thursday, 16 October 2003 18:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Please tell me the JW line isn't from the Kill Bill thread.

― Chris P (Chris P), Thursday, 16 October 2003 18:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Because then I'll have to read all 1200 messages.

― Chris P (Chris P), Thursday, 16 October 2003 18:35 (twenty-two years ago)

kingfish OTM

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 16 October 2003 18:35 (twenty-two years ago)

It's from the All Along the Watchtower thread.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 16 October 2003 18:38 (twenty-two years ago)

One of my friends works in a hospital & he had to shave Greg Kihn's chest. (I asked him if he said "Kihn I shave yer chest?" -he wished he had thought of that.)
-- dave225 (adspac...), October 16th, 2003 2:01 AM. (later)

From the ILM minor celebs name-dropping thread.

― nickn (nickn), Thursday, 16 October 2003 19:42 (twenty-two years ago)

"Hello Floyd Robertson! Do you mind if I call you Floyd Robertson, Floyd Robertson?"
1. -- Bryan (twp62y...), October 16th, 2003 2:50 PM. (later)

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 16 October 2003 21:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, well, when I was a kindergartener I thought Big Bird was real and that babies came from vending machines
-- Nate Patrin (natepatrin550...), August 28th, 2003 10:44 PM. (Nate Patrin)

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 17 October 2003 16:01 (twenty-two years ago)

On the "I am an Asshat, I am the Motherfuckin' Star Hustler!!!" thread:

is this the new Electric 6?
-- stevem (bluesk...), October 17th, 2003.

― Ally-zay, Friday, 17 October 2003 16:47 (twenty-two years ago)

On the "shirt ninja" thread:

I can't believe I only learned this now at the age of 24, when this would have been much more useful at ages 6-14!!!!
-- Dale the Titled (cpre...), October 17th, 2003.

― Ally-zay, Friday, 17 October 2003 17:53 (twenty-two years ago)

from the uniting the canadian right thread (all aboot canadian politians)

Mackenzie King opened buildings with Shirly Temple.

-- Mr Noodles (infinitecow...), October 17th, 2003.

Kim Campbell drank champagne out of my gym shorts.

-- Horace Mann (handsomishbo...), October 17th, 2003.

Joe Clark currently wears a jolly red cap, a green waistcoat, brown tweed trousers and elf boots while sitting on my parent's lawn.

-- Bryan (twp62yo@hotmail

― dyson (dyson), Friday, 17 October 2003 19:30 (twenty-two years ago)

The entire He Stole A Penis With Sorcery thread.

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Saturday, 18 October 2003 18:46 (twenty-two years ago)

from ILM's Sum up your personality in three pieces of music thread

t rex - cosmic dancer
the one way street - we all love peanut butter
cyndi lauper - she bop
-- The Lady Ms Lurex (lucylure...) (webmail), October 18th, 2003 1:55 AM. (lucylurex) (later) (link)

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cos i like dancing, peanut butter and wanking.
-- The Lady Ms Lurex (lucylure...) (webmail), October 18th, 2003 1:56 AM. (lucylurex) (later) (link)

― JuliaA (j_bdules), Saturday, 18 October 2003 20:18 (twenty-two years ago)

That's no good! We all like those things. Well, except I don't like peanut butter.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Saturday, 18 October 2003 20:28 (twenty-two years ago)

liking them all simultaneously is key

― nate detritus (natedetritus), Saturday, 18 October 2003 20:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, the only films that should have any sort of "invading" involve animated tentacles

-- nate detritus (n***p*****550...), October 18th, 2003. (later) (link)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Saturday, 18 October 2003 21:13 (twenty-two years ago)

1. P-Q4
-- colin s barrow (colinsbarro...), October 18th, 2003 5:53 AM. (colin s barrow) (later)

Answers

2) bee gees - stayin alive
-- The Lady Ms Lurex (lucylure...), October 18th, 2003 5:54 AM. (lucylurex) (later)

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Sunday, 19 October 2003 02:08 (twenty-two years ago)

There should be cake for all. And I'm making the coffee. No-one except my Zen coffee master makes better coffee than me. You know how good my espresso is? I take a thermos of it to the finest cafes in the land, and drink it openly in front of the bastard faces of the staff, because once you've tasted this black gold, you cannot go back down to that shit. You just can't.
I'll tell you another story about my espresso. When people come round and I give them coffee, they fall into silence. A reverent silence descends. Then one of them might say, 'holy f***, this is some damn fine coffee'. That's how good it is.

I go to the best grinders, I make up my own blend, I SPECIFY the coarseness of the grind, if necessary I get the manager in, especially if I'm getting attitude from the cheese goofer at the counter.

Then, fueled with this mellow, deep, arabica, crowned with a the slightest of lemon astringencies, I come up with the most ridiculous, the most pointless posts, imaginable.

-- colin s barrow (colinsbarro...), October 19th, 2003. (later)

― The Lady Ms Lurex (lucylurex), Sunday, 19 October 2003 08:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Melody, rhythm, all the same shit in the end. Melody = repeated figures that sound like EZ-listening/classical shit for easy digestion, rhythm = same throbbing thump over and over so ppl can feel comfortable, all pandering pussy shit. 'Melodic' music all made w/ compressors so nothing jumps out of mix ('mixing' itself = making stuff boring and inoffensive), dance music all bassy so ppl can immerse themselves in retard escapism, all of it worthless jerkoff for infants. This btw is a publicity bid for my soon-2-B completed opus
-- dave q (scrape10...), April 3rd, 2003.

Come on Dave change the record!
-- Ronan (ronan.fitzgerald...), April 3rd, 2003.

believe that's the DJ's job
-- dave q (scrape10...), April 3rd, 2003.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Sunday, 19 October 2003 18:22 (twenty-two years ago)

How do you restore a masterpiece painting?

-- Jennifer Christie (jennibeck300...), October 19th, 2003. (later)

Answers

oh i don't have time to type it all out. why are people so lazy? always wanting ilx to do their work for them.. .

-- A Girl Named Sam (dallasdeadgir...), October 19th, 2003. (thatgirl) (later)

― Casuistry (Chris P), Monday, 20 October 2003 00:54 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.aozj96.dsl.pipex.com/portillo.jpg

― kate (kate), Monday, 20 October 2003 07:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Great. So script kidz will be able to DOS your brain directly? OMG U R GAY! I AM IN YUR BRANE!!!!!!!!!
-- Dale the Titled (cpre...), October 20th, 2003 11:01 AM. (cprek)

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 20 October 2003 14:58 (twenty-two years ago)

i love these threads.
the ones where you have to be so canadian that beer &/or maple syrup flows through your veins like the might st. lawrence to know what the hell is going on - or to even care in the slightest.

-- dyson (dyspleasur...), October 20th, 2003. (dyson) (later)

or be Chris Piuma

-- Horace Mann (handsomishbo...), October 20th, 2003. (Horace Mann) (later)

(P.S. Horace! Answer my e-mails, even if it's just to tell me to fuck off!)

― Casuistry (Chris P), Monday, 20 October 2003 17:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Couldn't help giggling at this, though I apparently inspired a minor meltdown....*ahem*:

Canadians just walk around in the countryside, looking for stray pigs. When we spot one, we pour maple syrup on it and eat it. No cooking, no butchering, just syrup. That is our shameful Canadian secret.

"Canadian Cannibalism: Fun for the Entire Family": That slogan should prolly attract tourists in droves.

-- Nichole Graham (britbab...) (webmail), October 20th, 2003. (later)

Um, are you suggesting that Canadians are themselves pigs?
-- Casuistry (chri...) (webmail), October 20th, 2003. (later)

Well, how many Canadians other than me do you think she's met?
-- Bryan (twp62y...) (webmail), October 20th, 2003. (later)

Sean?
-- Mr Noodles (infinitecow...) (webmail), October 20th, 2003. (later)

Oh yeah. Might've been back when he was a little tubby from going on those Sweet Marie and Coffee Crisp milkshake binges.
-- Bryan (twp62y...) (webmail), October 20th, 2003. (later)

Or all those beer pies at C'est What.
Oh wait, thats me.

-- Mr Noodles (infinitecow...) (webmail), October 20th, 2003. (later)

Dude, I did meet her but I have never put those vile beverages into me. When I'm lookin' for good Canadian fattenin' up for the winter, I rely on good old classic lard. I believe in the power of lard.
-- Sean Carruthers (oneiro...) (webmail), October 20th, 2003. (later)

Sean "Tenderflake" Crudders. Has a nice ring to it.
-- Bryan (twp62y...) (webmail), October 20th, 2003. (later)

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Monday, 20 October 2003 19:24 (twenty-two years ago)

ach!
sorry chris, since it's my ILX only email address I don't check it but once a week or so!

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Monday, 20 October 2003 19:30 (twenty-two years ago)

That "I believe in the power of lard" Crudders post is awesomeness incarnate, it reads like an excerpt from Homer Simpson's inner monologue.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 20 October 2003 19:32 (twenty-two years ago)

this so needs to be a new thread.

― jed (jed_e_3), Monday, 20 October 2003 19:34 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www3.mb.sympatico.ca/~bshurb/LARD.jpg

― Bryan (Bryan), Monday, 20 October 2003 19:37 (twenty-two years ago)

I am now alternating between Deee-Lite's "Power Of Love" and LARD's "The Power Of Lard". THANKS GUYS.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 20 October 2003 19:47 (twenty-two years ago)

From the ILM "New Basement Jaxx" thread. Made me die simply cause I could visualise it:

if you label 'em a dance group

Because as we all know they are actually ambient meditative droners.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...) (webmail), October 20th, 2003. (later)

Felix Buxton in favourite album being 'Loveless' shockah

-- stevem (bluesk...) (webmail), October 20th, 2003. (later)

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Monday, 20 October 2003 23:34 (twenty-two years ago)

I just read the "Matos in NYC" thread for the first time and laughed out loud at the whole "you know what that's code for!" exchange. I think it's mostly funny because Matos and Jody are actually trying to make plans, and Blount and S1utsky just sort of scamper in, poking at them.

― jaymc (jaymc), Tuesday, 21 October 2003 04:30 (twenty-two years ago)

But just cos it is in his will doesn't mean you have to go and put it all out in public and all and bring it around, I mean what was that story that Ed or maybe Martin told me about people carrying around the mummified body to council meetings??! :O

It's horrifying, it'd be like me bringing a dead cat everywhere I go. I mean clearly Bentham is insane; it's not even like he's donating his body to a good cause, he's just being full of himself thinking people would want to see his rotted corpse for all time, but that doesn't excuse other people sending bits of his skin about as an exhibit of kinds, nor does it excuse that whole photo I saw with his disembodied head sitting between his feet.

-- Allyzay (ohdrinkin...), October 21st, 2003.

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You're just jealous.
-- NA (emmaa...), October 21st, 2003.

― Allyzay, Tuesday, 21 October 2003 12:58 (twenty-two years ago)

I always thought that Wonderwall being named after that Harrison album was interesting, like he was telling a girl "You're my ill-advised experimental electronic album"

-- Matt Helgeson (mat...), October 21st, 2003. (later) (link)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 21 October 2003 15:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Letters to the Editor
Letters to the editor should FUCK FUCK TITS Times, and not to other publications. We do not publish open FUCKING FUCK THIS SHIT FUCK.

Letters for publication FUCK be no longer than 150 words, must refer to an article that has FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU seven days, and must include the writer's address and DICK numbers. No attachments FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKSHITFUCKPISSFUCK CHRIST FUCK of those letters selected for publication will be notified within a week. Letters SHIT be shortened FUCK space requirements.

Send a letter to FUCK editor by e-mailing letters@FUCKER ASS.com or FUCK (212)556-3622.

You FUCK ASS SHIT FUCK letter to:

Letters to the Editor
The FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK
FUCK
FUCK

-- TOMBOT (fuck...), October 21st, 2003 1:18 PM.

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Ok that's taking things too far!!!
-- Allyzay (that...), October 21st, 2003 1:20 PM.

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I'm glad we've had this talk. We really worked through a lot.
-- Sarah McLUsky (x77tigersxu...), October 21st, 2003 2:34 PM. (coco)

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 21 October 2003 17:42 (twenty-two years ago)

new thread here

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 21 October 2003 17:54 (twenty-two years ago)

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