It's spring 2006 and I say EXCELSIOR to all you rofflers

Pointless Bible Iraq chain email I received today (only 13 of you may read this)

(However, you missed out the word "rolling" for maximum effect.)

I hope the family will get through the hard time and look forward to seeing their parents together again.

-- robin ward (Rbustiegrl7...), March 29th, 2006 5:53 AM. (later)

Well, it must be out on DVD soon.

-- James Mitchell (jxmitchel...), March 29th, 2006 6:03 AM. (James Mitchell) (later)

I couldn't help laughing.

-- Jim M (jmcga...), March 29th, 2006.

look me in the eyes and tell me that yr satisfied

-- Queen Godawful reunion special vomit my ass (wes...), March 29th, 2006.

-- Allyzay Rofflesberger (allyza...) (webmail), March 29th, 2006. (link)

-- Allyzay Rofflesberger (allyza...) (webmail), March 29th, 2006. (link)

-- Allyzay Rofflesberger (allyza...) (webmail), March 29th, 2006. (link)

-- Tracer Hand (tracerhan...) (webmail), March 29th, 2006 4:11 PM. (tracerhand) (later) (link)

I was just washing my hands in the toilet and I noticed my nipples were a bit prominent in my light brown silk blouse. So I tried to push them back in (a finger on each) and left the toilet without realising that I'd left a little water mark on each one.

One of the girls noticed as soon as I came out and nearly sprayed coffee across the room in hysterics.

Bugger.

-- Rumpie (rumpu...), March 29th, 2006 11:43 AM. (lil drummer girl parumpumpumpu)

-- timmy tannin (timmytanni...), March 29th, 2006. (later) (link)

"things"

-- Sterling Clover (s.clove...), March 29th, 2006. (later) (link)

i say we all don capes and masks and go kick some ass!

-- geeta (geet...), March 29th, 2006. (later) (link)

---

We saw The Village by accident. We were flipping channels and were transfixed by the stupidity.

Actually when the slow guy got stabby with it I thought the movie was going to pick up but he only got one person. The subsequent scene where he was then beaten up by a blind girl was the last moment that had any vestige of bossness in the movie; it then turned into "Papa, can I go in the woods?" "No, you're blind and it's forbidden." "Well fuck you, I have MOXIE!" bullshit as opposed to the Colonial House cosplay bullshit that filled the first half of the movie.

I think having the "monsters" be rather obviously people in stupid porcupine costumes undercut the tension of the first half of the movie just a tad.

-- Dan (Sonned By A Blind Girl In A Stabbed Fiance Beef) Perry (djperry@gmail.com), March 29th, 2006. (later)

I also seem to remember a particular gag in something from sometime where a kid tries to use his asthma inhaler in a "sexy" way (i.e., breath-freshener style).

-- nabisco (--...) (webmail), March 29th, 2006. (link)

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I'm glad you clarified what a "sexy" way was.

-- Alba (albab...) (webmail), March 29th, 2006. (link)

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(though I'm not sure how halitosis treatment is sexy)

-- Alba (albab...) (webmail), March 29th, 2006. (link)

-- My Psychic Friends Are Strangely Silent (psychi...) (webmail), March 29th, 2006. (link)

-- Esteban Buttez Goes To College (est...), March 29th, 2006. (later)

neither knows about the other.

but we're all in the same room.

this is occurring while i am typing this.

-- gear (speed.to.roa...), March 29th, 2006 8:14 PM.

---

"I like this song, even though everything about it makes me want to throw up."
That is the single greatest explanation of this song I've ever heard.

-- My name is Kenny (bogususe...), October 1st, 2002.

yep

-- amateurist0 (amateurist...), March 29th, 2006. (later)

yacht rock!!

-- geeta (geet...), March 29th, 2006. (later)

geeta, is this rock??

this vocal is all kinds of atrocious. i think it accounts for whatever strange fascination the single might produce. sort of how if you cut yourself, sometimes it's interesting to look at the wound.

the arrangement reminds me of some of the lesser contemporaneous billy joel singles. the piano parts are just sort of...there. none of the instrumental parts stand out AT ALL. except the sax solo, which only stands out by definition i guess, because it's a solo. but there's nothing remarkable about it.

and, sorry burt, the melody is pretty pedestrian if serviceable. i mean, i can imagine this as a "bacharach tune"--maybe some lp filler on one of his solo lps? i just listened to the song and i can scarcely remember how it goes.

let's talk about the other big late-period bacharach singles. "on my own"...that has that ridiculously bad line, "now we're even talking divorce [long pause] / and we weren't even married!" RIMSHOT. but what's funny is, i like the way michael mcdonald sings the line. patti labelle's vocal is terrible though. i know that's not what i'm supposed to think. but i don't really like patti labelle, and i sort of like michael mcdonald. the little lite-funk guitar figures, well, at least they sort of stand out and have a slight bit of juice to them. I'M TRYING PEOPLE. and i like the way around the 2-minute mark, when the key changes and the melody reenters via mcdonald in a strange mellow vibe. there are some nice moments in bacharach's melody but the song doesn't seem to have been thought through--it's sort of shapeless as a whole. and those lyrics. are those carl bayer sager again?

"that's what friends are for"--fuck that harmonica. fuck it hard. fuck pretty much all of stevie's harmonica parts ever. ok. that's done with. i sort of like the way the melody builds--it's so programmtic and pedestrian, it's perfect for a 7th-grade assembly tune. and dionne warwick makes everything sound good. IT'S TRUE. although it's weird when she sings "fo' sure" instead of "for sure." i like warwick when she enunciates. elton john's vocal part is overwrought and off key. i like the quality of stevie's voice...have mixed feelings about those strangled high notes of his, but he's got a pleasantly distinctive set of vocal trademarks. gladys knight is just gladys knight, a totally expert and mostly uninvolving gospely soul singer. then elton comes back. god, elton, what a fucking hack. i love dionne warwick. the arrangement is, even moreso than "Arthur's theme," just there. except for the harmonica. which i'm liking better the second time around. it breaks the tedium of the seemingly all-electronic arrangement at least. or at least those drum fills may as well be casio.

god what the fuck? this guy wrote ANYONE WHO HAD A HEART for god's sake! how could he write this crap? he wasn't even on crack or anything! i mean, these are better songs than some might allow ("on my own" in particular) but they aren't exactly good.

-- amateurist0 (amateurist...), March 29th, 2006. (later)

I hope that was just a rant. There is this song called "Chaka Khan's I Feel For You" to consider.

-- Allyzay Rofflesberger (allyza...), March 23rd, 2006.

RAPTURE

-- Onimo (gerry.wat...), March 23rd, 2006.

-- TOMBOT (tombo...), March 30th, 2006. (later)

Good to know!

-- Dan (Load Off My Mind) Perry (dan@dan's email address), March 30th, 2006. (later)

-- mookieproof (mookieproo...) (webmail), March 30th, 2006 3:51 PM. (mookieproof) (later) (link)

"Reagan's dead, son. Enjoy the music."

-- Ned Raggett (ne...) (webmail), March 30th, 2006 4:24 PM. (Ned) (later) (link)

-- +++ (...) (webmail), March 30th, 2006 1:12 PM. (later) (link)

-- +++ (...), March 30th, 2006. (later)

meaning?

-- hectorquintero (quiosc...), March 30th, 2006. (later)

i even heard he moved on from ally and is now stalking the girl from babylon 5

-- +++ (...), March 30th, 2006. (later)

-- Tuomas (lixnix...), March 30th, 2006.

Well that's one mystery solved.

-- Dan ("It Glows!") Perry (djperry@dan's email address here), March 30th, 2006.

-- gear (speed.to.roa...), March 30th, 2006.

on yr couch ;)

-- j blount (jamesbloun...), March 30th, 2006.

wearing a hat ;)

-- gear (speed.to.roa...), March 30th, 2006.

-- s1ocki (slytus...) (webmail), March 30th, 2006. (link)

-- Alex in SF (clobberthesauru...) (webmail), March 30th, 2006 9:25 PM. (later)

I haven't seen "Boogie Nights" yet and already it's been ruined forever.

-- Dan (VING RHAMES?????) Perry (djperry@gmail.com) (webmail), March 30th, 2006 9:25 PM. (later)

-- +++ (...), March 30th, 2006 3:10 PM. (later)

Oh, and Nabokov owns this thread.
-- Alfred, Lord Sotosyn (soto.alfre...), March 30th, 2006.

-- J.D. (aubade8...) (webmail), March 30th, 2006. (link)

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But if you do, J.D., don't tell anyone on ILE about your film.

-- Alfred, Lord Sotosyn (soto.alfre...) (webmail), March 30th, 2006. (link)

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do tell us if there's titties in it tho

-- Shakey Mo Collier (audiobo...) (webmail), March 30th, 2006. (link)

-- elmo, holy helper (elmo.oxyge...), March 30th, 2006 9:42 PM. (allocryptic) (later)

day 1

-- Pay Attention (dude@), March 30th, 2006 9:42 PM. (later)

-- Tuomas (lixnix...), May 8th, 2006 9:36 AM. (Tuomas) (later) (link)

-- Sharon Wall (nzjuggalett...), May 9th, 2006.

http://us.news3.yimg.com/us.i2.yimg.com/p/rids/20060505/i/r623955404.jpg?x=380&y=250&sig=JylZ54ruNKcEbnutMJq5cQ--

- kingfish doesn't live here anymore (jdsalmon@mail.com), May 8th, 2006. (later)

uggh thats so fucking gross. still, those fingers have been in fiona apple.

-- city of gyros (chaki.tim...), May 8th, 2006. (later)

and don't ask where those thumbs have been

-- kingfish doesn't live here anymore (jdsalmo...), May 8th, 2006. (later)

thats why they look like that

-- Mr Jones (lesbaxter300...), May 8th, 2006. (later)

oh, wrinklepaws

-- Gerard (dronkenschi...), May 9th, 2006. (later)

-- DJ Martian (altmartinu...), May 9th, 2006 6:17 PM.

I can't stop hearing Martian's posts in the K-9 voice.

-- Matt DC (runmd...), May 9th, 2006 8:39 PM.

This may have overtaken the "Down In The Tube Station at Midnight" thread as ILx's funniest ever.

SVEN and TORD unaware of SYSTEMS GOTHWAVE/IDM DEVELOPMENTS. still playing KAISER CHIEFS in DRESSING ROOM... KRAUTS AND SPICS make us LAUGHING STOCK. Barwick needs to act NOW. VINI REILLY must be installed as ROBOT PRIME MINISTER

-- charltonlido (...), May 9th, 2006 9:09 PM.

was the one that had my spitting my... gob all over the screen.

It all reminds me of the heady days of Ronan's Keano diaries.

Time to wipe JIZZLIKE SVEN off T-SHIRT.

-- Tuomas (lixnix...), Today 10:58 AM.

Pedro

-- Peter Stitt (stitt_pete...), May 10th, 2006. (later)

-- -+-+-+++- (-...), May 10th, 2006.

where's the beef

-- s1ocki (slytus...), May 10th, 2006.

oh d'brickashaws

-- Forksclovetofu (forksclovetof...) (webmail), May 10th, 2006 1:36 PM. (Forksclovetofu) (later) (link) (userip)

-- Trayce (spamspanke...), May 11th, 2006 10:32 AM. (trayce) (later)

you mean you don't already?

-- electric sound of jim (and why not) (electricsound@hotmail.com), May 11th, 2006 10:33 AM. (electricsound) (later)

Answers

Classic. Seems like a good thing to know.
-- jaymc (jmcunnin...) (webmail), May 11th, 2006 12:09 AM. (jaymc) (later) (link)

You would say that.
-- Pleasant Plains /// (dr_...) (webmail), May 11th, 2006 12:09 AM. (dr g) (later) (link)

-- 25 yr old slacker cokehead (miltonpinsk...), April 19th, 2006. (Enrique)

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would you like 'candy shop', 'outta control' or 'just a lil bit'?
-- The Lex (alex.macpherso...), April 19th, 2006. (The Lex)

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no thanks!
-- 25 yr old slacker cokehead (miltonpinsk...), April 19th, 2006. (Enrique)

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well you should!
-- The Lex (alex.macpherso...), April 19th, 2006. (The Lex)

Heh.

-- Pleasant Plains /// (pleasant.plain...), May 11th, 2006.

-- QuantumNoise (heavy_music200...), May 11th, 2006. (later)
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edited chatter
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"Cracker" is (a) a word, not a phrase, (b) employed heavily by the Nabisco Corporation in our effort to provide the world with crisp healthy snacks, and (c) surely not something that hurts white people's feelings so very much.

-- nabisco (--...), May 11th, 2006. (later)

-- dissonance in the divine accord (brownston...) (webmail), May 11th, 2006 3:16 PM. (unclejessjess) (later) (link)

nah, that would've been dan perry. but you can't bust on him b/c he's black. ;-)

-- jaymc (jmcunnin...), May 11th, 2006. (jaymc) (later)

-- ken c (pykachu10...), May 11th, 2006 12:27 PM.

The power of black humor in the face of moronicism is deeply undervalued.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...) (webmail), May 12th, 2006 1:10 AM. (Ned) (later) (link)

That particular straight line COULD be a threadkiller.

-- Colin Meeder (amisrau...) (webmail), May 12th, 2006 4:15 AM. (Mert) (later) (link)

-- RJG (RJ...) (webmail), May 12th, 2006 12:58 PM. (RJG) (later) (link)

Focus group advised against it.

-- Kenneth Anger Management (noodle_vagu...) (webmail), May 12th, 2006 1:04 PM. (noodle vague) (later) (link)

I still havent seen any newspapers today.

-- Brigadier Lethbridge-Pfunkboy (pfunkbo...) (webmail), May 12th, 2006 4:04 PM. (Kerr) (later) (link)

leave your house

-- RJG (RJ...) (webmail), May 12th, 2006 4:10 PM. (RJG) (later) (link)

-- TOMBOT (its.lik...) (webmail), September 23rd, 2005 12:12 PM. (link)

so basically what i do in "real life"

-- s1ocki (slytus...) (webmail), September 23rd, 2005 12:25 PM. (slutsky) (link)

i haven't really been able to listen to them since.

-- gear (speed.to.roa...), Today 5:20 PM

-- i've dreamt of rubies! (mandeewrigh...), May 12th, 2006 2:52 PM. (Mandee) (later)

-- kyle (akmonda...) (webmail), May 9th, 2006. (link)

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JACK LOOK OUT! = INUYASHA!

-- David R. (quoteidio...) (webmail), May 9th, 2006. (link)

-- jinx hijinks (mikeoptin...) (webmail), May 12th, 2006 2:06 PM. (sanskrit) (later) (link)

-- Mr Jones (lesbaxter300...), Yesterday. (later)