SON OF EXCELSIOR! i can't believe it's another 'posts that make you laugh out loud' compendium thread"

keith's post reminds me, that "say you say me" came dangerously close to being my high school's prom theme ... genesis's "follow you follow me" won.
-- Tad (llamasfu...), July 9th, 2003.

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your school's prom committee sure was big on "BLANK You, BLANK Me" songs, wasn't it?
-- M Matos (michaelangelomato...), July 9th, 2003.

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v/vm's version of "all night long" rules
-- electric sound of jim (electricsoun...), July 9th, 2003.

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BJORN SAYS CHOOSE "KNOWING ME KNOWING YOU"! Tad's class wuz robbed!
-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), July 9th, 2003.

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actually, i think that our prom committee had a bunch of geirbots ... that's why we ended up with genesis (and not lionel richie or abba)
-- Tad (llamasfu...), July 9th, 2003.

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did they crash other schools' proms and scream "WHERE'S THE MELODY?" at the DJ?
-- M Matos (michaelangelomato...), July 9th, 2003.

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that would be so punk rock, if only they were wearing viking helmets.
-- amateurist (amateuris...), July 9th, 2003.

-- Dave Stelfox (destelfo...), July 8th, 2003.

but he changes the lines significantly (enough so that some of them have cursory similarities at most - ooh he said "shove off" oh and they both mention trees - spooky)(not that that'll stop a Dylanologist)(what will stop a Dylanologist: a girlfriend)

Are you as excited as me?

-- David_X (david.downin...), July 9th, 2003.

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Ah, but which mag is it?
-- luna (luna_cee...), July 9th, 2003. (luna.c)

-- dleone (d_leon...), July 9th, 2003 8:28 AM. (later)

-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), July 9th, 2003. (later) (link)

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Every hip-hop song is by Oedipus?

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), July 9th, 2003. (later) (link)

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"sensitive and caring" automatically implies bootybangin to you Ned? Heavens!

-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), July 9th, 2003. (later) (link)

from donut bitch's worst pizza ever thread
a place in my hometown does a "pita pizza" which is actually a very large pita (it might be a pizza crus i dunno) like 16 or 18" which is split down the middle and then cut into pizza sized slices and filled with lettuce, tomato, onion, olive oil, salami, ham, cheese, peppers...xcept this is GOOD

-- jess (dubplatestyl...), July 9th, 2003. (dubplatestyle) (1 trackback) (later) (link)

Answers
sounds suspiciously like a "sandwich"
-- Spencer Chow (spencercho...), July 9th, 2003. (spencermfi) (later) (link)

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"NOT RIGHT NOW, I'M BUSY, MAYBE LATER" !!!!!
-- oops (don'temailmebitc...), July 9th, 2003 11:31 AM. (later)

-- nickalicious (nza2342...), July 9th, 2003.

I'm sorry but my next contribution to this thread might piss you off bro. Sorry.

please confine yourself to picture threads. PLEASE.
While I appreciate what y're doing, it's slowing me the eff down. You can cut and paste the posts your images refer to within the picture threads.
Pleeeeaasssee.
-- Horace Mann (handsomishbo...), July 9th, 2003. (Horace Mann)

Answers

http://redhawk.n-tama.k12.ia.us/ACA/ACA.HP.S02/mbabinat.hp/rock.eyebrow.jpg
-- Dada (dad...), July 9th, 2003.

toad in the hole = 2-4 plus fines in most US states
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), July 9th, 2003 9:58 AM.

surely not if you add syrup or sugar also
-- mark s (mar...), July 9th, 2003 10:03 AM.

Then wrap the things in the pancakes and call them Piggies In a Blanket

-- Mr Noodles (infinitecow...), July 9th, 2003. (later) (link)

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Put the syrup on its skin.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), July 9th, 2003. (later) (link)

Crouching Tiger
Tenenbaums
Oh Brother Where Art Thou?
The Man Who Wasn't There
Election
About Schmidt
Ghost Dog
Fucking Amal/Show Me Love
Being John Malkovich

(not checked my dates, so some might be out of scope)

-- Martin Skidmore (lonewolf.cu...) (webmail), July 9th, 2003 10:21 AM. (Martin Skidmore) (later) (link)

Being John Malkovich was actually released in 1964.

-- s1utsky (parrisactava...) (webmail), July 9th, 2003 11:24 AM. (slutsky) (later) (link)

Yeah, Seconds so ripped it off!

-- amateurist (amateuris...) (webmail), July 9th, 2003 11:24 AM. (amateurist) (later) (link)

Being Rock Hudson

-- s1utsky (parrisactava...) (webmail), July 9th, 2003 11:35 AM. (slutsky) (later) (link)

i'm not planning on eating the BAG you mentalist
-- mark s (mar...), July 9th, 2003.

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I'm feeling that, man. So stop it.
-- Tim (hopkinsti...), July 9th, 2003

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you know what they say about somewhere being a nice place to visit but you wouldn't want to live there... it's like that.
-- electric sound of jim

-- Geir Hongro (geirhon...), March 3rd, 2003.

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That's pretty punk of him!
-- Ally (mlescau...), March 3rd, 2003.

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You forgot the dried vomit crust.
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), July 9th, 2003.

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dan if your poo is that black i'd advise you to see a doctor
or superfly

-- jess (dubplatestyl...), July 9th, 2003.

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You win the biggest prize of all!
-- Pinkpanther (pinkpanther4...), July 10th, 2003.

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A dinner and extended philosophical conversation with Thom Yorke!
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), July 10th, 2003.

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beep boop beep boop tits, beep boop beep boop beav.
-- Chris V. (formerlypoopsmcge...), July 10th, 2003. (Chris V)

-- di smith (lucylure...), July 10th, 2003 10:32 AM. (later)

-- Ally (mlescau...), July 10th, 2003. (later)

And you know that artist who had a hit, but isn't in the charts now? Do you know what I reckon he said today? "Would you like fries with that?". What I mean by this is that, like most acts, the artist's success didn't last forever. And so now they are not in the chart. And they may have a job, possibly a demeaning one. Oh, I wouldn't like to be that artist right now, not after my biting piece of Schadenfreude. I am so mean.

Avril Latrine! David Gay! Kate Windswept! Shall I keep going?

Ha ha! Do you know what all music was like before Punk? Every song was all about, like, wizards and goblins, and all the songs were, like, twenty minutes long, and had crumpelhorns and synths and stuff and it was all rubbish but now it's funny, "prog rock" is. Because of its excesses.

That jazz you are listening to: I am going to spoil it by saying "nice". Which means that it is jazz. What's that? Oh, right. Well, it sounded like jazz to me. You know, jazz - "nice"!

I've got another: Elvis died on the toilet. Which is undignified.

Oh, and I heard some Leonard Cohen the other day. "Laughing" Len sounds like perfect music to kick back and enjoy ---- if you're planning on killing yourself! (Which I'm not. I was being ironical.)

That Dexy's song is one of my favourite songs about a DARTS PLAYER. Oh, you don't think it's about a darts player? Well, you'd have to argue that one with blah blah blah.

You know Justin Timerlake was going out with Britney, and she was, like, a virgin? But still rilly rilly pretty? He must have been so freaking frustrated. Because he will have wanted to have had sex with her. His balls must have been as blue as... what's that? Oh, right. I hadn't heard that. Well, up to that point, anyway, he must have been frustrated. In a funny way.

On a related note, Dolly Parton has never seen her feet! And she has a fine pair of lungs on her. And something about "assets".

x wasn't even the best y in the z.

-- Alan Connor, Jnr (atlarg...), July 10th, 2003 4:06 AM

In the age of speed-dating, perhaps flirting in the traditional sense is like driving a traction engine up the motorway. The effective way to flirt these days is to be obviously salacious, which has about a one in five success rate, from my observation, which is better odds than a train arriving on time. If you fancy a bloke just tell him you'd like to fuck him. You don't have to do so, by the way, but it clears the air.
Jake Proudlock.

-- Jake Proudlock (qp10q...), July 10th, 2003. (later)
Jake, I would like to fuck you.
-- Chris Piuma (chri...), July 10th, 2003. (later)

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You're a genius!
-- Ally (mlescau...), July 10th, 2003. (later)

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(please oh please let Ally be in charge of the MacArthur award...)
-- Chris Piuma (chri...), July 10th, 2003. (later)

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The Darwin Award? What?
-- Ally (mlescau...), July 10th, 2003. (later)

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Bono and Bush should do Africa TOGETHER yelling 'BIZARRO! BIZARRO! BIZARRO!' at everyone and puking ice cubes all over the place.
-- Millar (tmilla...), July 10th, 2003. (Millar) (later) (link)

-- Millar (tmilla...), July 10th, 2003. (Millar) (later)
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Yeah, cuz you spent all your money on that shirt.

-- NA. (emmaa...), July 10th, 2003. (Nick A.) (later)

-- Dan Perry (djperr), July 10th, 2003. (later)

dan "sader-masoch" perry

-- jess (dubplatest), July 10th, 2003. (later)

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I note that Tim apparently is posting from the KFC Academy.
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), July 10th, 2003 1:08 AM.

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Beats Police Academy
-- Andrew Thames (cleanbridge...), July 10th, 2003 1:15 AM.

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That series in full:
KFC Academy
KFC Academy ii - Their first Hot wings
KFC Acadamy iii - Back in Batter
KFC Academy iv - Party Buckets on Patrol
KFC Academy v - Assignment: Extra Coleslaw
KFC Academy vi - Arteries under siege
KFC Academy vii - Mission to giblets
(N.B I am very, very sorry)

-- Matt (Mat...), July 10th, 2003 2:13 AM.

-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), July 10th, 2003

I have this image of Blount whining this like a 15 yr old girl. "mo-om, watergate is NOT a teenage issue. its, like, important, okaaaaaay?"

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Nothing gets me going faster than a woman walking up to me and saying ";:'.,.?!.()-_-!`'().,.;:''""'" PHWOAR
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), July 11th, 2003. (Dan Perry) (later) (link)

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Mark C do you like periods and colons?
-- estela (estelaisale...), July 11th, 2003. (estela) (later) (link)

-- NA. (emmaa...), July 11th, 2003.

doh! ally!

"Nicole makes fun of me, whatever will I do?"

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Then why did they used to call you "Poops McGee," my naïve friend?
-- Horace Mann (handsomishbo...), July 11th, 2003. (Horace Mann) (later) (link)

My friend "Paco" once shat his pants hard at a party after eating 18 percosets in one night. He then got up on the kitchen table and danced until he fell down...still in brownified drawers. I watched in disturbed amazement from my keyboard pit (the band I was in was playing this party).

-- nickalicious (nza2342...), July 11th, 2003.

To divert this thread completely, once I made out with my sister because she wanted to know what kissing was like. This is easily the most disturbing thing I've ever done.

-- Ally (mlescau...), July 11th, 2003. (later) (link)

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Did she then shit her pants?

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), July 11th, 2003. (later) (link)

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I am wsnking as I wite ths

-- N. (nickdastoo...), July 11th, 2003. (later) (link)

-- Chewshabadoo (il...), July 11th, 2003 1:58 PM.

no. it wasn't. it was f*cking brilliant.

-- piscesboy (piscesxx...), July 11th, 2003 2:07 PM.

this isn't a proper argument

-- gaz (tinydemon...), July 11th, 2003 2:14 PM.

from It's All Gone Pete Tong

-- Tico Tico (ticoticoil...), July 11th, 2003.

I read one Harry Potter and found it poorly written. But I don't see anything wrong with adults withdrawing into the comfort zone of childhood, so long as they don't do it all the time. As for Pratchett, he does, in my opinion write some wonderful sentences. Very few contemporary writers manage that.
"People would take pains to tell her that beauty was only skin-deep, as if a man ever fell for an attractive pair of kidneys."

"The future came and went in the mildly discouraging way that futures do."

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."

"Most people develop their social conscience when young, during that brief period between leaving school and discovering that injustice isn't all bad."

"A good general always knows when to leave the battlefield, and as far as Lord Fang was concerned, it was when he saw the enemy coming towards him."

I'm not a great fan of Pratchett, but Byatt was right about the sentences, in my opinion.

-- fougasse (qp10q...), July 11th, 2003. (later)

"Terry had made his fortune when he realised that even if shy young nerds couldn't make conversation, they still needed things to say to each other."
-- Tico Tico (ticoticoil...), July 11th, 2003. (later)

The Clush were an important band in punk ruck musuc. They formed after seeing a Sux Pustuls show, and were contemporaries of Shum 69.
-- Neudonym (zinogu...), July 13th, 2003 4:00 AM.

Once I woke up after a really long drinking binge and the girlfriend was screaming at me as I had apparently taken a shit in the bathtub. I just denied it and got drunk again, and later on vomited into the same bathtub, and the morning after that I had to go to work and decided to run a bath, and I'd forgotten about the vomit and didn't notice until it was all floating on the surface
-- dave q (scrape10...), July 13th, 2003. (later)

So when we were having a fight about *that*, I said "Well at least I'm not as bad as your friend, whose boyfriend, legend has it, passed out in the bath with the water running, and when your friend noticed water dripping out the ceiling went to check on him and not only found the bathroom flooded but crap floating everywhere as he'd also shit himself and then she had to clean up the whole thing! Heh", and she said "Fuck you"
-- dave q (scrape10...), July 13th, 2003. (later)

so i hit her
-- dave q (scrape10...), July 13th, 2003. (later)

-- estela (estelaisale...), July 14th, 2003.

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What did I do??
-- N. (nickdastoo...), July 14th, 2003.

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I don't know.
-- estela (estelaisale...), July 14th, 2003.

-- duane (gfhds...), July 14th, 2003 2:09 AM.

I don't know why, exactly.

-- Tep (te...) (webmail), July 14th, 2003 10:10 PM. (later)

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no matter how hard i try, i can't produce that mental picture

-- electric sound of jim (electricsoun...) (webmail), July 14th, 2003 10:11 PM. (later)

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I get this image of Tep being like the Punisher, only he's carrying a huge ladle.
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), July 14th, 2003 6:39 PM. (later)

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Daaamn right. "They killed my family. They killed my dog. They killed my second-grade teacher. And now. I make a gumbo. OF REVENGE."

-- Tep (te...), July 14th, 2003 6:45 PM. (later)

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Tep sounds ominous, easily as scary and frightening as a tropical storm called 'Bill'.
-- estela (estelaisale...), July 14th, 2003 6:45 PM. (later)

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Damn right.
... hey, hang on. I'm not sure that means what I want it to mean.

-- Tep (te...), July 14th, 2003 6:50 PM. (later)

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Don't fret Tep, I'm sure everyone's absolutely terrified of you and your big ladle.

-- estela (estelaisale...), July 14th, 2003 7:04 PM. (later)

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They better be, that's all I'm saying.
-- Tep (te...), July 14th, 2003 7:09 PM. (later)

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Tep carries a Ladle of Fear. And he carries it well.
-- Lars (nicolew1...), July 14th, 2003 7:10 PM. (later)

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He should start a band called Ladle of Filth.
-- Jody Beth Rosen (edito...), July 14th, 2003 7:11 PM. (later)

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Our signature song would go: "Ladle, ladle, ladle, I made you out of clay. Ladle, ladle, ladle, WITH LADLE I WILL SLAY."
-- Tep (te...), July 14th, 2003 7:14 PM. (later)

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That sounds like a ladling-yodeling band.
Heavens! I just discovered that when I say ladling-yodeling-ladling-yodeling all of a sudden I can yodel even though ordinarily I can't:)

-- estela (estelaisale...), July 14th, 2003 7:17 PM. (later)

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Everyone in the audience is gonna be waving ladles back and forth instead of Zippos. The Soup Nazi will open for us with his #1 smash hit, "No Soup (For You)." Kids'll start dangling mini-ladles from the belt-loops, rendering the chain-wallet fashion obsolete.
-- Tep (te...), July 14th, 2003 7:20 PM. (later)

Ok, it's perfectly all right to say you don't want children or that you don't particularly care for certain kinds of children, but to say you hate all children without distinction is kinda an asshole thing to say. Not all children are spoilt brats intent on ruining the lives of the surrounding adults. If you take them from when they're babies and raise them right, they will be good girls and boys.
At present, there is a disturbing phenomenon wherein parents just do not want to be parents, instead wanting to be their children's "best friends" and considered the "cool parent". I feel like these children do not need a "best friend" parent or a "cool parent", but rather a parent who is firm, strict, loving, and protective. The boundaries between parent and child need to be set. (Thus speaks the product of an extremely strict household.)

Back to original topic: Most babies are cute. Some are not. Love them all the same. Teach them that they can't get away with murder. Teach them manners and how to read others' emotions. Encourage them to be intelligent and to develop their interiors before they develop their exteriors. This is what I've learned by observing all the parent-child interactions that have surrounded me throughout my life, as well as whatever wisdom my mother has passed down to me.

If raised properly, children are lovable. If not -- you want to strangle them. It's as simple as that.

(Note: I know there are exceptions to the rule, yes.)

-- Innocent Dreamer (deethe_downspamdown_lurke...), July 12th, 2003. (later)

Was joking.
-- Scaredy cat (pushki...), July 12th, 2003. (later)

this dude is sott. Don't stick with him; ofupi need to call me. call me.

so anyway, yho know who i am

214-926-5852

"fuck off Scooby, you're barred"

-- stevem (bluesk...), July 14th, 2003.

One of my best friends recently gave birth and has been warning me that raising a baby sucks a whole hell of a lot more than women usually let on. For example, the first few weeks of breast feeding are apparently quite painful on the nipples; she felt she should have been apprised of this fact beforehand.

Recently she was bitching about motherhood to me over the phone and I said, "Yeah, and I mean, maybe it wouldn't be so bad, you know, if you're baby was actually cute." Dead silence on the other end.

(Sometimes I forget that having RL conversations is a bit different than posting smart-ass shit on ILX. I had also forgotten that baby-makin' hormones have robbed her of a sense of humor -- another reason to hate babies IMHO.)

-- jewelly (jewelly123...), July 13th, 2003. (later) (link)

-- Tracer Hand (tracerhan...), July 14th, 2003. (tracerhand) (later) (link)

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Maybe the song is about you, Bloody Hand?
-- Ally (mlescau...), July 14th, 2003. (mlescaut) (later) (link)

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I'm so vain.
-- Tracer Hand (tracerhan...), July 14th, 2003. (tracerhand) (later) (link)

We could bring Spencer that underwater boat thing Ned, since he missed the galleries and is into ART and that WAS art, right and I'm sure he COULD PUT IT IN HIS BASEMENT AND SHINE BLUE LIGHTS ALL THROUGHOUT IT TO CREATE THE AMBIENCE OF WATER AND ONCE WE'RE ALL DRUNK WE COULD CLIMB IN IT AND PRETEND WE'RE SAILING WE'RE REALLY SAILING!!!!!!!

-- Vic (Iodine99...), July 14th, 2003. (later) (link)

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Poor Spencer.

-- Ally (mlescau...), July 14th, 2003. (later) (link)

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Ally does not understand the power of boat art.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), July 14th, 2003. (later) (link)

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I'm understanding the power of ILXors crashing your place with a giant fucking boat, though.

-- Ally (mlescau...), July 14th, 2003. (later) (link)

-- N. (nickdastoo...), July 13th, 2003.

-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), July 15th, 2003.

CHOCOLATE WEEK IN DUNEDIN obv!! (even though i am on a diet at the moment) (i cd just watch i like to watch)
-- mark s (mar...), July 15th, 2003. (later)

fuck chocolate week, it started with what soundede like an artillery bombardment (it was fireworks apparently) at like 7 in in the fucking a.m. yesterday, i was terrified
-- duane (dfdgs...), July 15th, 2003. (later)

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you mean you won't fuck your sister?
-- di smith (lucylure...), July 14th, 2003. (later)

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i heard that nietsche fucked his sister & that's why he went mad but most people who know anything about nietsche have never heard that story. so it's probably not true but i better not risk it, there is enough mental illness in that band already.
-- duane (hfgs...), July 14th, 2003. (later)

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*puts camera away*
-- di smith (lucylure...), July 14th, 2003. (later)

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Quite so.
-- Daned (djperry...), July 14th, 2003. (later)

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scary
-- Millar (tmillar...), July 14th, 2003. (later)

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Merely the future.
-- Nedan (ne...), July 14th, 2003. (later)

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You'll notice that you've never seen Ned and Dan in the room fucking the same woman at the same time, now have you?
-- Chris Piuma (chris...), July 14th, 2003. (later)

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Dear god, please tell me you haven't.
-- Chris Piuma (chris@t...), July 14th, 2003. (later)

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I will let Dan confirm or deny. Or is that Ned?
-- D to the N to the D (her...), July 14th, 2003. (later)

People always have to give their kids name with wacky spellings now. I don't know if they're trying to be unique or if they're just too stupid to know how the name is supposed to be spelled.

-- Lars (nicolew1...), July 15th, 2003. (later)
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Maybe the parents wanted to have a boy and call him Vaughan (sp?) but had a girl so called her She-vaughan but got confused with the spelling.

-- Emma (emmaluvscak...), July 15th, 2003. (later)
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That's a brilliant notion - what a great way to feminise boys' names in the event of giving birth to a daughter but not having a name handy for her! SheDan, SheNed, SheMark, SheNick. I like it.

-- C J (CJ_The_Unrul...), July 15th, 2003. (later)

-- Bryan (bryan...), July 15th, 2003. (Bryan) (later)

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ALLY HAS OUTED HERSELF AS A WHOVIAN!
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), July 15th, 2003. (Dan Perry)

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Yeah, only geeks would think that's what I meant! GEEK!
-- Ally (mlescau...), July 15th, 2003. (mlescaut)

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ALLY KNOWS WHAT A WHOVIAN IS! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), July 15th, 2003. (Dan Perry)

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u r so gay.
-- Ally (mlescau...), July 15th, 2003. (mlescaut)

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Into the Tardis.
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), July 15th, 2003. (Ned)

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i dunno, sounds a little "soggy biscuit " to me
-- kephm (keph...), July 15th, 2003. (later)

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I mean, isn't it possible that if you gave her a hummer you'd have to wait five seconds to hear the echo?
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), July 15th, 2003 1:37 PM. (later)

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http://homepage.tinet.ie/~earrings/bishops-cave.jpg

-- oops (don'temailmebitc...), July 15th, 2003 1:41 PM. (later)

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Dan, she did give me her card. If you really want to know, I'll, uh, investigate. I mean, all in the interest of Dan Perry, and all that, sleet, snow, loose meat, etc.
-- Horace Mann (handsomishbo...), July 15th, 2003 1:42 PM. (later)

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INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!
(note: Not really.)

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), July 15th, 2003 1:44 PM. (later)

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I'm dialling her number right now.
(note: Not really.)

-- Horace Mann (handsomishbo...), July 15th, 2003 1:46 PM. (later)

I read this first as 'depreciation'

For the last time, they don't have teeth!

Anyway, this thread (ALL OF YOU ON EARTH ARE IDIOTS!) has been slaying me with the funny.

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alex cereal makes you too angry
-- Josh (kortbei...), July 15th, 2003. (later)

http://www.kuci.org/~brianm/ile/lampreymouth.jpg

-- Nascar Wilde (nascarwild...), January 25th, 2003.

-- luna (luna_cee...) (webmail), July 15th, 2003. (later)

Sextus Empiricus doesn't want to be empirical about sex?
-- Prude ()@() (webmail), July 15th, 2003. (later)

-- django (djang...), July 15th, 2003.

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...and some spelunking gear.
-- oops (don'temailmebitc...), July 16th, 2003 5:22 PM. (later)

-- jel...

A tender moment in any young man's life.

-- Chris Piuma...

(this is actually JB talking about when he was a kid. excellent either way.)

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technically its a private members' bar but they play a little fast and loose with the terms private and members'.

-- Ed (dal...), July 16th, 2003. (later)

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That's a fuckin' weird way to pronounce 'Kevin Shields', Ned.
-- Nick Southall (n.j.southal...), July 16th, 2003. (Nick Southall) (later) (link)

-- amateurist (amateuris...), July 16th, 2003. (amateurist) (later) (link)

Seriously, you know I love you, if just for that insane Halloween picture alone.

-- s1utsky (parrisactava...), July 16th, 2003. (slutsky) (later)
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That reminds me of this one time at summer camp --

-- Tep (te...), July 16th, 2003. (ktepi) (later)

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"Dead Man you're off the case!"
-- s1utsky (parrisactava...) (webmail), July 17th, 2003 11:13 PM. (slutsky) (link)

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"I thought I could straighten out the system ... from within. But now I know, I'll have to go ... alone. Nobody?"
"Yes Dead Man?"

"Fetch me my coat."

"Yes kemosabe."

-- amateurist (amateuris...) (webmail), July 17th, 2003 11:22 PM. (amateurist) (link)

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Nobody: "I'm too old for this shit!"
-- s1utsky (parrisactava...) (webmail), July 17th, 2003 11:27 PM. (slutsky) (link)

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Would one drink that getting caught in the rain?
-- Ned Raggett (ne...) (webmail), July 10th, 2003 2:09 PM. (Ned) (later)

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Only if they were golden showers.
-- NA. (emmaa...) (webmail), July 10th, 2003 2:17 PM. (Nick A.) (later)

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I thought you were twee.
-- Ned Raggett (ne...) (webmail), July 10th, 2003 2:18 PM. (Ned) (later)

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twee golden shower = pissing on a kitten
-- Dan Perry

Dubplatestyle has entered the room.
NedRaggett: Rah Jess
Dubplatestyle has left the room.

-- Erik (nozeman...), April 28th, 2003. (link)

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:)
-- Mary (maj23...), April 28th, 2003. (Mary) (link)

-- Kenan Hebert (khebert...), July 18th, 2003.

did anyone see that mtv show where the junior high school kid's dad played drums for billy joel about 35 years ago? at one point he delivers a "lecture" (loosely defined) to his son after the latter loses a school election, which consists entirely of strung-together billy joel song titles, the most glaringly inappropriate of which is "captain jack." it's probably the most painful 30 seconds of tv ever to exist.

-- amateurist (amateuris...) (webmail), July 17th, 2003 6:21 AM. (amateurist) (later) (link)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

that's so hateful it's kind of awesome.

-- Jody Beth Rosen (edito...) (webmail), July 17th, 2003 6:24 AM. (Jody Beth Rosen) (later) (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think you should revert to Tom for everyday purposes and call yourself Charles if you ever want to be in charge again.
-- N. (nickdastoo...), July 18th, 2003. (nickdastoor) (later) (link)

----------

monogamy is not a dirty word, Dan
-- oops (don'temailmebitc...), July 18th, 2003 3:47 AM.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ned, you died inside ca. 1994.
-- amateurist (amateuris...), July 18th, 2003. (amateurist) (later) (link)

Science & Engineering: What? I'm busy.

-- Millar (tmilla...), July 17th, 2003. (Millar) (later) (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

oh wait.
-- teeny (teen...), July 18th, 2003. (teeny)

D: Welcome to Sprockets, Gregor Voss.

GV: Whoo! Yah, is great to be here, Dieter.

D: Gregor Voss, your presence intimidates me to the point of
humiliation. Would you care to strike me?

GV: This is fantastic I can't believe I'm here! Hello West Berlin!
Ich bin ein West Berliner!

D: Tell me, in your film, Irritant Number 4, the only two images
were a baby's head and a toilet. Did you mean for me to scream?

GV: Scream, ya, ya, ya. Look at this, look at this, Dieter, I've
got great stuff here. Mountain Dew! A Remington Microscreen! They
tell me it shaves as close as a blade.

D: I see genius. By seemingly embracing the cliches of the West, he
is underscoring its excruciating banality.

GV: And look at this Dieter, it is a pie, but like no pie I have
ever seen!

D: Perfect. You are a master of, of exposing tedium. Let us look at
a clip from one of your classic films.

[ Clip ]

D: That film looks at me while I am naked and calls it's friends.

GV: Touchdown! Hey Dieter, I figured the trick, everytime when the
? moves to the middle you should run a sweep to the right, it
always works..

D: Your story has become tiresome.

UNKNOWN: Hey Gregor, when are you going to be done?

GV: Hey, just a minute guys. Dieter, do you want to come along with
us? We rented a LeBaron.

D: Excuse me Gregor, but you have disturbed me almost to the point
of insanity. There, I am insane now. Gregor, you were the greatest
altar of emptiness, my personal ?. And now I watch you drink beer
from a hat.

GV: That's easy for you to say Dieter, you grew up with this stuff.

D: I would never drink from headgear.

GV: Ohh, I don't feel so good...

D: Idiot.

GV: I'm sorry, its just all that Mountain Dew, and then this pie..

D: You may not touch my monkey. [In German]. You may not touch my
monkey!

GV: I'm going to be sick.

D: Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance. That's all the time
we have, until next time, auf Wiedersehen!

GV: Dieter, we're meeting some girls, we're meeting some girls
later, come on Dieter!

-- Kingfish (jdsalmo...), July 18th, 2003. (Kingfish) (later) (link)

BUDDEN AND LAVIGNE WITH ANOTHER 2 CLASSICS WHAT IS WRONG WITH U PPL
-- Chip Morningstar (giaou...), July 18th, 2003. (later)

fucking english
-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), July 18th, 2003. (later)

they won't understand / they can't understand!
-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), July 18th, 2003. (later)

yeah blount learn what an air force one is before lecturing the uk on hiphop, kay?
-- Chip Morningstar (giaou...), July 18th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i wrap my cellphone in a strip of bacon and use it as a bookmark ned while i go for a walk
when i return the bacon will be cooking nicely plus i have not lost my place

win-win!!

-- mark s (mar...), July 18th, 2003. (later)

-- colin s barrow (colinsbarro...), July 20th, 2003.

-- jel -- (freeduni...), July 20th, 2003. (jel) (later) (link)

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jel that is the best news in the world
-- Millar (tmilla...), July 20th, 2003. (Millar) (later) (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

not for the rebel alliance!!
-- mark s (mar...), July 20th, 2003. (mark s) (later) (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

but don't listen to me, i also like a faint whiff of BO.
-- The Lady Ms Lurex (lucylure...), July 20th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jackson?
-- oops (don'temailmebitc...), July 20th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

diddley.
-- The Lady Ms Lurex (lucylure...), July 20th, 2003. (later)

-- j.lu (flavi...), July 21st, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

clownilingus.
-- Chris V. (formerlypoopsmcge...), July 21st, 2003. (later)

not very nice story, this one but funny. anyway, a friend of mine was going home v drunk on a london overground train one night. thing was packed, no seats anywhere, so he walked down the carriage and found the first-class section of abt 6 seats completely empty. needless to say he thought, "to hell with it, i'm sitting in here," slumped in one of the chairs... and then smelt something really odd.
he stood up, the stench got worse and he noticed that he'd sat in a big pile of human excrement that some dirty bastard had cracked out all over the seat. to make matters worse this made him throw up all over the carriage, too, and he couldn't walk home with someone else's shit all over his trousers so he took them off, chucked them out of the window, then sat wretching and gagging in the crap and puke-covered carriage (coz he couldn't exactly sit anywhere else), praying that no one came in, saw him and held him responsible for the whole mess, until it came to time to disembark and made the walk up the road to his house in his underwear.
as luck would have it, he accomplished this relatively unnoticed - but it's not over yet. when he got to the door he realised he'd thrown his keys out of the window along with his poo-encrusted trousers so had to get his girlfriend up by screaming at her at the top of his lungs to let him in and then explain why he was blind drunk, standing in the front garden wearing only a pukey t-shirt, his underpants and shoes and stinking like a public toilet. how we all laughed...
-- Dave Stelfox (destelfo...), July 14th, 2003.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am routinely amazed at how effective a single cigarette is at coaxing my bowel.
...

-- fields of salmon (fieldsofsalmo...), July 22nd, 2003. (fieldsofsalmon)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

then poop comes out
-- Aaron A. (__...), July 22nd, 2003.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So THAT'S what happened to Meltzer.
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), July 22nd, 2003. (Ned) (later) (link)

-- N. (nickdastoo...), July 22nd, 2003.

Luckily I have a portable CD player in my desk draw for such occasions, but what is your biggest fear, and what can you do to reduce the pain?
-- Chewshabadoo (il...) (webmail), July 22nd, 2003. (later)

You should have pretended to have misheard them.
-- N. (nickdastoo...) (webmail), July 22nd, 2003. (later

or you should have answered "Do you want me to slap YOU in the fucking ear?"
-- Horace Mann (handsomishbo...) (webmail), July 22nd, 2003. (later)

how about 'Do you want me to slap your ass and call you Charlie?'
-- stevem (bluesk...) (webmail), July 22nd, 2003. (later)

or "how about you and me crawl under my desk and check each other's prostates?"
-- Horace Mann (handsomishbo...) (webmail), July 22nd, 2003. (later)

-- Tracer Hand (tracerhan...), July 22nd, 2003. (later) (link)

-- N. (nickdastoo...), July 22nd, 2003. (later)

-- Ed (dal...), July 23rd, 2003.

Free from the bounds of masculinity, I'd indulge fully in my tweeness. I'd have my room decorated in a Strawberry Shortcake motif. I'd cry at the drop of a hat, so long as the hat was dropped in a morose manner and the dropper appeared consumed with existential fear. I'd buy National Enquirer regularly. I'd tell all my friends how big my boyfriend's penis is. I'd read trashy romance novels. I'd get my nails done and my hair didded. I'd drive around with my best girlfriend in a convertible blasting Van Morrison. I'd watch soap operas while eating bon bons. I'd fuck a sailor. I'd flirt with everyone, everywhere. I'd *have* to get those shoes, since they match the top I just bought. I'd let the airshaft blow my dress open. I'd peel a banana in a seductive way. I'd do the splits. I'd let a boy think he was gonna get some, but say 'i just can't do this' when it came time. I'd tell my kid to make his own goddamn meal, Mommma's too drunk. I'd have penis envy.

-- oops (don'temailmebitc...), July 23rd, 2003. (later)

-- amateurist (amateuris...), July 23rd, 2003 7:52 PM.

I've been asked to make out with people and obliged but not have sex.
-- Ally (mlescau...), July 23rd, 2003 12:53 PM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes yes, with your sister, we know.
-- N. (nickdastoo...), July 23rd, 2003 12:55 PM. (later)

who does coke? yous guys are idiots!

-- momalley (xoy847...), July 23rd, 2003 10:39 PM.

everybody does coke you square

-- Mr. Pibb (mrpib...), July 23rd, 2003 10:42 PM.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

um. obvious typo in my post.
-- Anthony Miccio (anthonymicci...), July 23rd, 2003 9:58 AM.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's "Micchio".
-- Chris Piuma (chri...), July 24th, 2003 10:01 AM.

i think you will have to choose different records though steve
-- gareth (garet...), July 24th, 2003 2:12 PM. (later)

Xkiller.bunnies.of.the.apocalypseX

-- XinGaia'snameX (Xfucku2...), July 24th, 2003. (later) (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's that? Lyrics from the new Killing Joke album?
-- Stewart Osborne (stewart.osborn...), July 24th, 2003. (Stewart Osborne) (later) (link)

I hate myself enough as it is for watching the TMNT porn. And now this! BLECH! Delete ILX!

Top of the world, ma!
Lick a shot! Buck buck buck

Insemination...complete.

-- oops (don'temailmebitc...) (webmail), July 24th, 2003. (later)

Next!
-- luna (luna_cee...) (webmail), July 24th, 2003. (later)

Pardon my zinger
-- oops (don'temailmebitc...) (webmail), July 24th, 2003. (later)

I really should learn to read before posting.
-- luna (luna_cee...) (webmail), July 24th, 2003. (later)

luna, you do pretty well for someone who hasn't learned to read.
-- oops (don'temailmebitc...) (webmail), July 24th, 2003. (later)

Larcole's grammer ha ha

-- praying mantis (prayingmanti...), July 24th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Was that a Star Wars novelisation?
-- Andrew Farrell (afarrel...), July 24th, 2003. (later)

J-Lo is more played than an old Lite-Brite. She will win nothing.

go figure.

-- Sterling Clover (s_clove...) (webmail), July 24th, 2003 5:54 PM. (s_clover) (later) (link)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

also i think interest in music qua music is a dead end, and a painful one.

-- Sterling Clover (s_clove...) (webmail), July 24th, 2003 5:54 PM. (s_clover) (later) (link)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

things which i like things which i think are socially relevant

Anything and everything, in the broadest possible way?

-- Ned Raggett (ne...) (webmail), July 24th, 2003 5:57 PM. (Ned) (later) (link)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

haha yes. sustained inquiry into almost anything piques my interest.

-- Sterling Clover (s_clove...) (webmail), July 24th, 2003 6:03 PM. (s_clover) (later) (link)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Then I'd be intrigued to hear you say more about why you reached the conclusions you did.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...) (webmail), July 24th, 2003 6:04 PM. (Ned) (later) (link)

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), July 24th, 2003. (Dan Perry) (later)

Actually, WWTF = me and Millar in NYC.
-- Andrew Farrell (afarrel...), July 24th, 2003 4:00 PM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

STOP BEING SO PALLY!
-- Ally (mlescau...), July 24th, 2003 4:03 PM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tag!
-- Millar (tmilla...), July 24th, 2003 4:38 PM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ALL!
-- Andrew Farrell (afarrel...), July 24th, 2003 4:44 PM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

YOUR!
-- Millar (tmilla...), July 24th, 2003 5:19 PM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BASE!

-- Andrew Farrell (afarrel...), July 24th, 2003 5:48 PM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ARE!
-- Millar (tmilla...), July 24th, 2003 5:51 PM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BELONG!
-- Andrew Farrell (afarrel...), July 24th, 2003 5:54 PM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TO!
-- Millar (tmilla...), July 24th, 2003 5:59 PM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

US!
-- Andrew Farrell (afarrel...), July 24th, 2003 6:00 PM. (later)

-- Sarah MCLusky (x77tigersxu...), July 25th, 2003. (coco)

http://bitchcakes.topcities.com/images/bryanpeanut.jpg

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FUCK YOU RAGGETT!
-- Ally July 25th, 2003 2:35 PM.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What gives you the right to say that?
-- N. (nickdastoo...), July 25th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fuck off, elf-boy.
-- Ally (mlescau...), July 25th, 2003. (later)

The horrible thing about that Olson kid twins picture is I initially thought they were taking a dump in a toilet built for two.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), July 25th, 2003.

Hey, I'm just glad to see someone putting Schoolly D back in the spotlight.
Seriously, though, most rap at this point is nihilistic bullshit. McWhorter's clumsy, but he's got a point.

-- Phil Freeman (newyorkisno...), July 25th, 2003. (later)
Tom, delete ILx.
-- Mr. Diamond (electrifyingmoj...), July 25th, 2003. (later)

(it's really the 'boopy doo' that got me)

-- weatheringdaleson (bricassid...) (webmail), July 28th, 2003 8:51 PM. (weatheringdaleson) (link)

It's like The Crow started doing heroin and turned gay.
-- oops (don'temailmebitc...) (webmail), July 28th, 2003 8:53 PM. (Oops) (link)

http://www.whitehouse.gov/history/presidents/images/wh9.gif

wm shabazz.

I hate Ally now.

Hence, hate.

tell me more
-- Pabst Blue Rosen, July 28th, 2003.

Eskimos have a very high fat diet, and they are quite healthy people I believe.
-- C J, July 28th, 2003.

It was so good! The nuts were kind of crunchy, you know with that toasted flavour.
(xp)
-- s1utsky, July 28th, 2003.

Thank goodness you noted the crosspost. For a moment there I thought you were extolling the joys of eating Eskimo testicles.
-- oops, July 28th, 2003.

fat. brown fat. clear fat. fat seeping in and out of my bones. fat providing power for my days sad duties : kick ass of work. fat is my new pore seepage, providing a grease layer for moisture rich movie-star challenge. fat makes the hair splendonous. they said fat was bad. they bad!!! they took away mama icecream brost! they ate all your baconand shat it out as cardboards strips. when will fat be free to plummet carelessly in fields, gay and lipid -rich, tossing floewrs into the air? SUGAR AND CARBS: FUCK YOUR SELVES!! YOU CAUSE THE DEATH WE CALL EXTREME SIZE INCREASE IN HAMMYBUTT!!!
Oh, don't worry my lardy lassy. you are golden wind. you can eat your own body through a secret technique. Atkins diet. you eat your self. ha ha! for desert? mustardbate.

-- Mike Hanle y (pennyson...), July 28th, 2003. (later)

Also at boarding school there was a craze for gay sex but that wasn't formally banned.

-- Tom (freakytrigge...), July 28th, 2003. (Groke) (later)

There was a serious craze among the girls in my high school for getting pregnant so that they could get better housing benefits. At first, all the guys thought it was great, a non-stop orgy, but 9 months later all the girls were all shacked up in their luxury penthouse apartments, poppin' out the babies left and right, and we were getting kind of lonely and sick of giving each other Indian burns. We were reduced to flirting with the 67-year-old vice principal, and she was seriously considering taking up several of the more mature boys on their lecherous advances. But at the last minute, the girls were convinced of the errors of their ways by a virginal internet troll and came back to school just in time for the senior prom.
~FIN~
-- NA (emmaa...), July 28th, 2003 5:02 PM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Especially in this case.
-- Larcole (nicolew1...), July 28th, 2003. (later)

-- Lara (lara_byrn...), July 27th, 2003. (later) (link)

-- Kenan Hebert (khebert...), July 27th, 2003. (kenan) (later) (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well you get *extra* powers in the after-life to compensate for what you couldn't do while living, right?
-- Lara (lara_byrn...), July 27th, 2003. (Lara) (later) (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[i mean the abyss/J.Lo's privates]
-- amateurist (amateuris...), July 28th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

somehow you fucked up the joke without even telling it.
-- oops (don'temailmebitc...), July 28th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well that surprises no one.
-- Ally (mlescau...), July 29th, 2003. (mlescaut) (later) (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ARE YIT AN EGG? NO? TH EN SHT UPP!
-- N. (nickdastoo...), July 29th, 2003. (nickdastoor) (later) (link)

-- duane (ytw...), June 23rd, 2003 1:17 AM.

-- Millar (tmilla...), July 29th, 2003. (later) (link)

She's dating Page Hamilton

-- rosemary (rosemarygilber...), July 29th, 2003.

Who is that?

-- amateurist (amateuris...), July 29th, 2003.

one of the sisters in Charmed

-- electric sound of jim (electricsoun...), July 29th, 2003.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calum, everyone already knows I'm single-handedly responsible for vivisection and the continuation of the death penalty in the United States. Don't make me bring the practice to Britain. Emma Bunton will be first against the wall.
-- Ally (mlescau...), July 29th, 2003 4:51 PM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calz would like to dissect Emma Bunton with his pork scalpel.
-- Tom (freakytrigge...), July 29th, 2003 4:56 PM. (later)

-- Tasha Pickworth (tash...), July 30th, 2003.
Answers

i love ILM.

-- Chris V. (formerlypoopsmcge...), July 30th, 2003.
Make a wish and click your heels three times, repeating "Ozzy....Ozzy....Ozzy". Then do a shot of Jaegermeister.

Why not call the publicity department of his record label?

-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), July 30th, 2003.
Draw a pentagram on the floor and invoke Satan. If a tiny homunculus appears in a puff of smoke, don't worry, that's just Ronnie James Dio.

-- Nom De Plume (kontakte2...), July 30th, 2003.

TASTE THE LUXURY

-- Millar (tmilla...), July 30th, 2003. (Millar) (later) (link)

-- N. (nickdastoo...), July 28th, 2003 4:25 PM. (nickdastoor) (later)

And people were worried about anthrax!
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), July 28th, 2003 4:26 PM. (Dan Perry)

Books, cds, new underwear/lingerie, and the occasional box of See's candy. I'm easy.
-- luna (luna_cee...), July 30th, 2003. (luna.c)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Easy like Sunday morniiiiiiiiiin yea-ee-ah-oh-yaaa-ee-aaaah...
-- nickalicious (nza2342...), July 30th, 2003. (nickalicious)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Easy like Sunday morniiiiiiiiiin yea-ee-ah-oh-yaaa-ee-aaaah...
In another scary but cool Nick/Aimee moment, my winamp is playing Faith No More's version of this song RIGHT NOW.

-- luna (luna_cee...), July 30th, 2003. (luna.c)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Weird - I'm having a threeway with Mike Patton and Lionel Richie RIGHT NOW!
-- NA (emmaa...), July 30th, 2003. (Nick A.)

"OUTRAGEOUS!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Few would credit N. with an outer life.
-- Tom (freakytrigge...), July 30th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

few would credit me with signs of life.
-- strongo hulkington (dubplatestyl...), July 30th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Patrick Adams doesn't get enough credit for producing Inner Life.
-- Andy K (xndkx...), July 30th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Andrew thats like saying if I'd wanted more kittens I'd have fucking asked!
I still don't own a copy of Homework tbh.

-- Tom (freakytrigge...), July 30th, 2003. (Groke) (later) (link)

-- Sébastien Chikara (sebastie...) (webmail), July 31st, 2003 3:31 AM. (Sébastien Chikara) (later) (link)

A radio station I used to listen to had an impromptu call-in contest one time called "why does the intern's lunch smell like ass?" -- listeners called in and tried to guess what the intern's lunch was, given only the hint that it smelled like ass. (Listener: "Is it a sandwich?" DJ: "What kind of sandwich would smell like ass?")
Pretty sure the intern got the hint.

-- Tep (te...) (webmail), July 31st, 2003. (later)

Why do four of those quotations go completely over my head?

-- Leee (redhalcyo...) (webmail), July 31st, 2003 6:22 PM. (Leee) (later) (link)

because they're in an AIRPLANE! hahahahahaha

-- teeny (teen...) (webmail), July 31st, 2003 6:46 PM. (teeny) (later) (link)

i was laughing so hard at this i had to take the cock out of my mouth

-- chaki (chak...), August 1st, 2003. (later)

-- Al (hoteloper...), August 3rd, 2003.

-- Kenan Hebert (khebert...), August 2nd, 2003 7:06 PM.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's a sign that i'm gettin really fucking old, all the rock critics look like little kids to me now
-- duane (doora...), August 3rd, 2003.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

duane, do u have a crush on daddino ?
-- Vic (Iodine99...), August 3rd, 2003.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

are you calling me a child molester?
-- duane (doora...), August 3rd, 2003.

-- Tool (freeduni...), August 3rd, 2003. (later)

Um, yes, thank you, Tool.
-- Chris Piuma (chri...), August 3rd, 2003. (later)

I'm not gonna play this little back-and-forth game that you seem to enjoy any further. (I've seen on other threads where you just HAVE to respond and won't let anything slide, which, if you want to make assumptions, says a lot about your character) I really couldn't care less what you think of me.
Misogynistic? Give me a fucking break. Exactly how long is the stick that is up your ass?

-- oops (don'temailmebitc...), August 3rd, 2003. (Oops)

And without space travel, Extropianism really begins to fall apart. A lot of their answers to such questions as "won't the earth get very crowded if everyone is a self-actualized immortal?" are based on "oh, we will colonize the stars!" type arguments.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

oh shit i have fallen into the thing
-- unknown or illegal user (doora...), August 4th, 2003 1:08 AM. (doorag)

I didn't think I was hating anyone today, but I totally second this.

-- luna (luna_cee...), August 4th, 2003. (later)

-- Carey (flembac...), August 4th, 2003. (Carey) (later)

(Does that joke cross the Atlantic intact?)

"There's the big finish with "I" (as in "I! Believe in ME!") which they probably though was going to be made the new national anthem, which would be a stupid idea even if they didn't fuck it up by putting the word "balls" in it. YOU CANNOT HAVE A NATIONAL ANTHEM WITH THE WORD 'BALLS' IN IT!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

if you drop the needle on Druqks right when Clyde makes his first appearance, it results in all these spooky coincidences--like during "Kladfvgbung Micshk," Phil and Orville are actually Kladfvgbung Micshking!
-- teeny (teen...) (webmail), August 4th, 2003 4:53 PM. (teeny) (later) (link)

Oops, sorry about that, I didn't know it'd be that big. -- Tuomas

-- strongo hulkington (dubplatestyl...), August 4th, 2003 10:11 AM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

in fact, in no uncertain terms, i think it is quite possible to both intimate and suggest, nay, even demand, that, like, you know, could i, like, get a 40?
-- gareth (garet...), August 5th, 2003. (gareth) (later) (link)

-- t\'\'t (phon...), August 4th, 2003. (later)

Shouldn't that be on the "ILX quoted out of context" thread?

(Does that joke cross the Atlantic intact?)

-- Chris Piuma (chri...), August 4th, 2003. (later)''

chris- carey has explained that one to me.

-- Corey Haim (emmaa...), August 5th, 2003. (later) (link)

Dude, you could hire the Proclaimers to wipe us out. Have you seen us?

-- Andrew Farrell (afarrel...), August 5th, 2003. (afarrell) (later) (link)

fuck no. my masturbation is dry-clean only.
-- phil-two (philtw...), August 5th, 2003. (phil-two) (later) (link)

-- Chris Piuma (chri...), August 5th, 2003. (later) (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At last!

-- luna (luna_cee...), August 5th, 2003. (later) (link)

Kenan, what the hell did you do to your flashlight?
-- Tep (te...), August 5th, 2003 2:36 PM. (later)

(and another one)

"Is that your real name?" followed by "Do you have a sister?"
literally millions of times

-- s1utsky (parrisactava...), August 4th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Besides, as always, the lesbians'll get away with everything.
No AIDS, no pregnancy, no ejaculate. They're like ninjas.

-- Captain Typo (khebert...), August 6th, 2003 8:54 PM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Ninjas Of Sex.
-- Tep (te...), August 6th, 2003 8:57 PM. (later)

-- Ben Dot (wearethedot...), August 6th, 2003.
Ummm. You were mistaken.

-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), August 6th, 2003.
it's about ted dibiase

-- nnnh oh oh nnnh nnnh oh (littlejohnnyjewe...), August 6th, 2003.

I was once with a girl who prided herself on her ability to swallow as much as any man copuld 'provide'. I beat her.
-- Nick Southall (n.j.southal...), August 6th, 2003.

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misogynist.
-- RJG (r_gillander...), August 6th, 2003.

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Also, a Taoist sexual practice is to use a pressure point on the perinium (is that the term for the skin between arsehole and balls?) which prevents ejaculation (but not, note, orgasm) in men by simply closing the valve/passageway and diverting the course of the sperm. Whilst masturbating I've managed to have squirtless orgasms that have lasted upwards of a minute. After about 20-30 seconds though it gets a bit intense and you tend to start shaking, and at that point you can often let go of the 'valve' and have all your good mess-avoiding work undone.
-- Nick Southall (n.j.southal...), August 6th, 2003.

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I really did just post that, didn't I? When I'm going to meet some of you tomorrow too...
-- Nick Southall (n.j.southal...), August 6th, 2003.

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sicko.
-- RJG (r_gillander...), August 6th, 2003.

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Coming for a pint tomorrow RJG?
-- Nick Southall (n.j.southal...), August 6th, 2003.

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WHERE IS IT EXACTLY
-- Andrew Thames (cleanbridge...), August 6th, 2003.

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a pint of what? you disgust me.
-- RJG (r_gillander...), August 6th, 2003.

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Taint your ass, taint your balls.
-- Chris V. (formerlypoopsmcge...), August 6th, 2003.

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No wait I'll just experiment
-- Andrew Thames (cleanbridge...), August 6th, 2003.

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You serious?

-- Tuomas (tuomas.alh...), August 6th, 2003 2:10 AM.

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He missed an 'h'.
-- Nick Southall (n.j.southal...), August 6th, 2003 2:12 AM.

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I really liked the trousers you were wearing last night.
-- RJG (r_gillander...), August 6th, 2003. (RJG) (later) (link)

-- doom-e (dfj...), August 6th, 2003. (later) (link)

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I rejoice that this kind of makes us the Insane Clown Posse.
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), August 6th, 2003. (Dan Perry)

http://www.geocities.com/violentj_55/insa2.jpg

From left: Dan, Ned, nickalicious.

Knew they were doing something with all those long nights. Dan, what a wonder that cream did for your skin!

got it.

-- Chris V. (formerlypoopsmcge...), August 6th, 2003 9:22 AM. (Chris V) (later)"

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(I don't mean that I swallowed your car, ha ha)
-- Sarah McL:usky

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Jewelly...
Deutoronomy 31:7

"When thou cumest into thy neighbour's wife, thou mayest respond with anger towards thy ho-bag, for she hath changed and forsaken God's image of the phallus."

-- donut bitch (do...), August 7th, 2003 2:09 PM.

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But, Sam, it is no secret that I love you.
-- Jesus (jesu...), August 6th, 2003. (later)

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hey buddy, church and state, hello
-- Millar (tmilla...), August 6th, 2003. (later)

-- Bob Shaw (bob_001...), August 7th, 2003 7:48 PM. (later)

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No I don't want to fucking trade, I just want you to give.
-- Chris Piuma (chri...), August 7th, 2003 7:57 PM. (later)

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After all, Bob, it is better to give than to receive.
-- Jesus (jesu...), August 7th, 2003 7:59 PM. (later)

By the way, I'm living my dream, and I hope that really bothers you.

-- Larcole (nicolew1...) (webmail), August 7th, 2003 10:38 AM. (Nicole) (later) (link)

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No, only the ones with his name after them.
-- o. nate (syne_wav...), August 7th, 2003 10:28 AM. (later)

Was your grandmother married to a fellow named Mengele perhaps?

-- amateurist (amateuris...), August 6th, 2003. (later) (link)

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), August 6th, 2003. (Dan Perry)

-- Pickle chugger! (assha...) (webmail), August 7th, 2003 3:24 PM. (nickalicious) (later) (link)

-- GALLAGHER (annoyingfucktar...), August 7th, 2003.

not so much for the post itself, but for the fake email address. which maybe just shows that i'm overworked and no longer up to my usual erudition.

First, we’re asking that you vote for just three records. Our research showed that the old method of assigning points to ten albums disturbed many participants in our focus groups. (Sample comment: "Why is this all like math and stuff?”)

We’re also asking that you keep your comments under ten words apiece (5-7 words is the ideal length). This goal can be easily achieved by replacing the verb to-be with punctuation--for example, “Beyonce: Hott!!” or “Radiohead? Genius!”

Thanks for helping Village Voice Media continue to maintain the most profitable chain of alternative newsweeklies in America.

-- Keith Harris (kharris3...), August 8th, 2003 8:33 PM. (kharris1128) (later)"

Big ass, little ass,
Hairy ass or bare;
Pockmark'd or pimpl'd,
Her poems didn't care.

So then she stopped.

-- jewelly (jewelly123...), August 7th, 2003. (later)

dud
-- Curt1s Stephens (sevenxvii...), August 8th, 2003.

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I mean.. I don't know what you're talking about.
-- Curt1s Stephens (sevenxvii...), August 8th, 2003.

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*waits for someone to post above two posts in the "laugh out loud" thread*
-- Curt1s Stephens (sevenxvii...), August 8th, 2003.

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I've long since realized my sense of what other people find funny is skewed. So, classic.
-- Tep (te...), August 8th, 2003.

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*could laugh out loud (but won't do that)*
-- t\'\'t (phon...), August 8th, 2003.

-----------------

Diamanda Galas can sing the shower.
-- Ned Raggett

-- Andy K (xndkx...), August 8th, 2003 11:21 PM. (Andy K) (later)

Poor Stevie. He's still getting e-mail notifications.
-- Mandee (Wolfshir...), August 8th, 2003 12:40 AM.

"Spam:
What forms of promotion can I use?
The majority of our affiliates promote Adult Friendfinder by placing our banners on their sites, but you may also join chat rooms, online clubs, etc. We strongly encourage you to remember chat room rules ? it is better to simply talk about the benefits of meeting people on our site instead of just posting a URL. Please review our spam policy within our Affiliate Agreement."

-- Tracer Hand (tracerhan...), August 8th, 2003 7:59 AM. (tracerhand) (later) (link) (admin) (151.205.118.190)

Brilliant.

The reason is to visit me.

http://bigbelch.com/celebs/affleck.gif
http://www.ciudadfutura.com/elcriticon/affleck.jpg
http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/38428000/jpg/_38428795_affleck_150.jpg
http://img.yupimsn.com/canales/entretenimiento/temas/cumpleanos/ben_affleck.jpg
http://www.benaffleck.com/homepic.gif

See?

http://www.tennessean.com/sii/longterm/celebrities/profiles/mattdamon/damon.jpg

http://www.mindspring.com/~stairwl/images/goodwill.jpg

L-R: Donut Bitch, Ned, Ally, Chris V, me, Larcole, Momus, Ptee.

Anyway.

Billy Corgan's such a creep.
-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), April 5th, 2003. (vassifer) (link)

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So you've met him?
-- Girolamo Savonarola (gsa...), April 5th, 2003. (link)

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Do I have to have met him to make that assessment? I never met Hitler either, but I gather he was a bastard.
-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), April 5th, 2003. (vassifer) (link)

-- Kenan Hebert (khebert...), August 8th, 2003.
*barf*

-- oops (don'temailmebitc...), August 8th, 2003.

-- Jimmy Fallon (x77tigersxu...), August 8th, 2003.

"Huh?" *squeeze* *squeeze*

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), August 8th, 2003. (Dan Perry) (later) (link)

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Actually, the thing is, I'm imagining that as a conversation between YOU and Otis.
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), August 8th, 2003. (Ned) (later) (link)

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But then I suppose we've all thought that about Dan's cleavage.
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), August 8th, 2003. (Ned) (later) (link)

hair pie

-- Tracer Hand (tracerhan...), August 8th, 2003.

-- luna (luna_cee...), August 7th, 2003. (later) (link)

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Why did you watch long enough to realize the hummer your stepmom was giving was so similar to the one your brother had given?

-- Tep (te...), August 7th, 2003. (later) (link)

Aha! The best new birth control: Have sex constantly with different partners!

-- Sarah McLusky (x77tigersxu...), August 8th, 2003. (coco) (later)
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I heart the way you're thinking.

-- Dave B (dave.boyl...), August 8th, 2003. (daveb) (later)
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but you'd need to be going at it round the clock forever for that method to work?

-- Bob Shaw (bob_001...), August 8th, 2003. (Bob Shaw) (later)
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Is this a downside?

-- Dave B (dave.boyl...), August 8th, 2003. (daveb) (later)
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Exactly! It's fool-proof!

-- Sarah McLusky (x77tigersxu...), August 8th, 2003. (coco) (later)
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where should we start queuing?

-- Bob Shaw (bob_001...), August 8th, 2003. (Bob Shaw) (later)
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The crotch.

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), August 8th, 2003. (Dan Perry) (later)

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And by 'doing it' I mean fretting, obv.
-- Sarah JMcLUsky (x77tigersxu...), August 8th, 2003

-- Tracer Hand (tracerhan...) (webmail), August 8th, 2003 10:00 AM. (tracerhand) (later) (link)

but that was pre- Sep. 11, the world is different now.

-- Tracer Hand (tracerhan...) (webmail), August 8th, 2003 10:01 AM. (tracerhand) (later) (link)

This sounds like something my dad might say if he liked techno.

-- Ronan (ronan.fitzgerald...), August 8th, 2003. (Ronan) (later) (link)

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I can't wait until you interview me, Horace.
-- Chris Piuma (chri...), August 7th, 2003. (later)

-- Martin Skidmore (lonewolf.cu...), August 8th, 2003. (later) (link)

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The masterisk!
-- Tep (te...), August 8th, 2003. (ktepi) (later) (link)

-- oops (don'temailmebitc...), August 8th, 2003. (later) (link)

-- Kenan Hebert (khebert...) (webmail)

Arnold in 2006: "Tumah years! Tumah years!"

-- amateurist (amateuris...) (webmail)

-- Jesus (jesu...), August 8th, 2003. (later) (link)

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Thy rod and thy staff discomfort me.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), August 8th, 2003. (later) (link)

Luna, you are a very holy (and foxxxy) woman. There is a seat in Heaven waiting for you, and that seat is on My lap.

-- Jesus (jesu...), August 8th, 2003. (later) (link)

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Thy rod and thy staff discomfort me.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), August 8th, 2003. (later) (link)

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Yeah, at first. Just relax. Sqeeze like you're taking a huge crap, it'll help. Soon you'll be in the promised land, don't worry.

-- Jesus (jesu...), August 8th, 2003. (later) (link)

-- Christian Vasbotn Braaten (super...), August 8th, 2003 7:24 PM. (Christian Vasbotn Braaten)

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that's like calling yr gf by another woman's name.
-- Horace Mann (handsomishbo...), August 8th, 2003 5:37 AM.

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"mom!"

-- Kingfish (jdsalmo...), August 8th, 2003 7:05 AM.

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he's bangin' son
-- Ronan (ronan.fitzgerald...), August 9th, 2003. (Ronan) (later) (link)

I was vaguely familiar with Mr Gardiner because he'd appeared at our local (Reading) punk club, Bones, a couple of times playing in a band called Mean Street.

Then one evening he turned up at the local punks pub, The Star (Dr. C and Mark S may remember The infamous Star?), with his hair beautifully bleached and spiky and wearing a lovely shiny black PVC outfit with lots of shiny silver zips on it and announced that his name was "Valeriun" and his new band Tubeway Army were playing at The Roxy a couple of days later which they were expecting some A&R men to attend and he'd organised a coach and free tickets for anyone who wanted to come along....

One of the larger and more deranged local lads, Steve Kinks, looked up from his pint, started at the hapless Numan and growled:
"Your name's WHAT?"
"Errrrr..... Valeriun" squeaked Numan nervously.
"Nah mate" Kinksy reassured him, "your name is Twat. 'Ere everyone, 'ave you met Twat? Twat's in some sort of band! What's the name of your band again Twat?"

A certain amount of hilarity ensued which culminated with "Twat" being carried out of the pub at shoulder height and thrown lightly off of Duke Street bridge into the canal below.

-- Stewart Osborne (stewart.osborn...), July 18th, 2003.

There was an old man from Nantucket....
-- Haikunym (zinogu...), August 11th, 2003 8:12 PM. (later)

-- G Man (...), August 12th, 2003

A monstrous squall erupted from my be-chewing gummed mouth at this point.

I am hiding in the closet with a bag of rats.

-- Tep (te...), August 12th, 2003.

As I am so sick can barely swallow water, laughter caused pain. But worth it.

I really love this thread, this gag could go for days and days and still be unbelievably hilarious to me

-- Millar (tmilla...), August 12th, 2003. (later)

The DC date seems to coincide with the rumored NYC Jarvis Cocker DJ night.
-- Mary (maj23...), August 11th, 2003. (Mary) (later) (link)

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??? No it doesn't--the NYC Jarvis show is on a weeknight, the DC show is on a Friday otherwise I couldn't go...For serious! I think the Jarvis was on...the 9th? Wednesday prior to Turbonegro?
-- Ally (mlescau...), August 11th, 2003. (mlescaut) (later) (link)

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I completely messed up and read the day for the month and the month for the month again. Sorry for the false alarm!
-- Mary (maj23...), August 12th, 2003. (Mary) (later) (link)

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It's ok! I realized that was probably what you did after I posted my panicky post fearing that they were the same day!
-- Ally (mlescau...), August 12th, 2003. (mlescaut) (later) (link)

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If they were the same day, I'd have to renew my belief in the idea that there is no god.
-- Ally (mlescau...), August 12th, 2003. (mlescaut) (later) (link)

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No there definitely is, we just can't determine whether God is Euroboy or Jarvis Cocker
-- Millar (tmilla...), August 12th, 2003. (Millar) (later) (link)

VO: 1972 was also the year Neil Young broke through.
[sound cue: "Heart of Gold"]

Robert Christgau: Omigod that's my song!

[fade out. fade in "Alone Again (Naturally)"]

-- amateurist (amateuris...), August 12th, 2003.

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Somewhere that makes sense.
-- David. (coze...), August 12th, 2003. (Cozen) (later) (link)