ALL-TIME LAUGHING EXCELSIOR!! What is the funniest thing you have EVER read on ILX?

I've always been very suspicious of Mentos ads... something just doesn't feel right about them. By 'right' I mean American.
-- andy (and...), January 14th, 2004.

shit man, i'm out.
http://www.whitehouse.gov/history/presidents/images/wh9.gif
wm shabazz.

-- ethan (ethan...), May 3rd, 2002 9:00 PM.

Here's what you have to do: be a nice guy with a bit of an edge, which is a philosophy I try to follow. When you're on a date, take a girl through a park and pick her some flowers. Then, knife a hobo.

-- Gear! (drink_to_remembe...), March 4th, 2004.

My seemingly random, uncontrollable laughter after reading that caused a few raised eyebrows at my quiet, serious office.

I love that thread because its so British and reserved and kind of embarassed about talking about sex.

-- Gear! (drink_to_remembe...), March 4th, 2004.

My seemingly random, uncontrollable laughter after reading that caused a few raised eyebrows at my quiet, serious office.

-- Rob Bolton

Yes, that's my all time fave as well. Lowbrow, but effective.

-- (doorag@eu

Not just the funniest, but the best ilx post ever, I think.

21. One day my family was sitting around the living room and Chris said something semi-dumb, I don't remember what. (Not flat-out stupid a la the bulk of this thread, just something dumb.) In response, I said, "Chris, you've got a mind like a steel trap." "What a stupid phrase," he replied. "Steel traps don't have minds."

-- M Matos

(It was hard to decide between that, lie like a kite, face into a heart, and O-U-T-S-I-D-E.)

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u&k re technique finesse: has the prisoner killed the cop's best mate or his own best mate?
-- mark s

6a. As an aside, Chris, after firing these people, starts giving them complex assignments to complete by the end of 2003 (when they
are going to be fired, as he has apparently made no qualms in announcing). Perlik is given the task of fixing up the tenements, the
buildings where I live. The tenements are basically left overs from the Leonard Bernstein West Side Story days and are rapidly
deterorating. They make no money because the only tenants besides the employees who are being put up there are rent controlled
old people.

Perlik goes up to Gary Handel's office. GH is our company architect. He gets lots of plans and engineering pre-work done, all at a
decent expense to the company. He meets with Chris, who is highly excited by all the effort Perlik is putting into this project, to
discuss his progress.

The carefully drawn up plans and pre-work? How to plate the entire block of buildings completely in gold, "like that city in the
cartoon".

-- Allyzay (akearne... ), November 20th, 2003.

-- Mike Hanle y

I have a short memory.

"Ron left the house in an uprage!"
Me: Is that anything like an outroar?
"Yes. EXACTLY."

-- luna (luna_cee...), August 4th, 2003 9:20 AM. (luna.c)

WTF?!

xpost, that explains all.

-- chelsea (lifeless_ange...), May 1st, 2004.

__________

First of all, welcome, and thanks for posting to the pre-eminent hare-die advice forum in the Englishy speaking world. May I just say that you've come to the right place.

Second. I love your hair. LOVE it. You have that Felicity vibe going with both barrels, and it's fabulous. Down side, you inherited your mother's ankles. Girl, it happens.

Do you still have that rich boyfriend? I haven't been to the grocery store lately, and conseq. haven't kept up with the romance. I don't trust him, by the way. You know why, but I won't mention it here.

Oh yes, the hair. Girl if your hair is dirty, wash it. End of story. I know you were raised by George Stephanopoulos, but he of all people should know that.

If you want to dye it, the best thing to do is a test run to make sure you're satisfied with the color. Go down to Staples or Office Despot and get a package of multicolored Sharpie markers. I know they say permanent, but really, what is permanent in this day and age. Believe me, I kid you not, they come out. Not out of white linen, but girl, your hair ain't white linen, you feel me? Pick three or four shades, complementary, and use the Sharpie to actually paint your hair strand by strand. This will give you a great idea of how the finished effect will look.

Once you're happy with the result, go down to CVS and buy four or five packages of dye that approximate your Sharpie color choices. Use an applicator cunningly fashioned from steel wool and broken glass to apply the dye to your hair. Voila. You look mahvelous!

Good luck with the dad thing. Based on my experiences with him, a belt of Jim Beam makes him much easier to deal with. Doesn't matter which of you drinks the Jim Beam, either.

Cheers!

-- Skottie (n...), May 1st, 2004.

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they are all terrible!
-- Julio Desouza (juli...), October 23rd, 2003. (jdesouza) (1 trackback)

Answers

YEAH
-- Alan (AlanTrewarth...), October 23rd, 2003. (Alan)

ihttp://is3.okcupid.com/pics/113/11301858858299701527/1085432832.jpg

No caption for this image.

No shit.

-- Andrew Farrell (afarrel...), May 24th, 2004 5:36 PM. (link)

Jay: Everybody settle down, I have an announcement to make.
*crowd looks up*
Jay: College Dropout, Roc-A-Fella's first official release since The Black Album, is a huge success. Kanye, you did 450,000 your first week. You's a genius nigga.
Crowd: *applauds*
Bleek: ....the FUCK?
Jay: This is very important news for the Roc. A lot of people said we couldn't do it after I retired, but Kanye is proof that Roc-A-Fella is the army. First official album to drop after mine already on its way to platinum. We will not lose!
Young Chris: Yessssss
Bleek: first official release?
Crowd: *applauds*
Dame: Man, I'll be the first to admit... when I first heard Kanye rap, I thought he was trash.
Bleek: still is
Dame: But then he started showin that hunger that I get from all the other rappers on the Roc. Jay
Jay: *nods*
Dame: Cam
Cam: Holla
Dame: Young Gunz
Young Chris: Yessssss
Dame: Beans
........
Dame: Where's Beanie?
Freeway: He had to ROCK a nigga last night, URLY! He's in central now... Biggs went to go bail him.
Young Chris: Chea
Dame: Oh okay... *surprisingly not surprised* anyway, we've got a history of great artists on the Roc, leading all the way back to our first official signing, with Beans back in 98.
Bleek: the fuck?!?
Dame: And I just wanna say... anything's possible over here. Kanye, why don't you say a few words.
*crowd cheers*
Kayne: Aw man, I'm speechless... I don't even know what to say. Uh... I'M KILLIN Y'ALL NIGGAS ON THAT LYRICAL SHIT, MAYONNAISE COLOR BENZ I PUSH MIRACLE WHIPS! *goofy ass grin*
*crowd laughs*
Bleek: Man, what the-- this nigga done said that shit 800 gazillion times. Fuck this nigga son.
Kanye: I can't believe it...seemed like it was only yesterday-- (Kanye's speech fades down while Bleek's disappointment grows louder in his head)
Bleek: I mean what the fuck son?! You said yourself you was ridin the train when you wrote that line. You a fake ass nigga and you know it yourself. Up here grinnin like a bitch... like, like shit is a game. It ain't a fuckin GAME.
Kanye: and that's all I gotta say man. It's the Roc!
*crowd cheers*
Jay: Hey Just, you gonna start spittin next, ha?
*crowd laughs*
Just Blaze: Jus Blaaaaaaaze
Young Chris: Yesssssss
Dame: So congrats to Kanye... everyone enjoy the Armadale. It's on the house.
*crowd goes back to celebrating, with one lonely exception*
Bleek: *depressed, walks over to Just Blaze* Hey man, what you smokin on?
Just Blaze: Jus Blaaaaaaaze
Bleek: Cool, gimme a hit of that. *puffs* You real into music and shit... In your opinion, what does Kanye have that I don't?
Just Blaze: Jus Blaaaaaaaze
Bleek: So you sayin he just got that spark?
Just Blaze: Jus Blaaaaaaaze
Bleek: I don't see it man. I know I rap better than this nigga. I know I'm realer than this nigga. I mean look at this mother fucker. (camera pans up Kanye while Bleek breaks it down) ...$400 designer shoes... some cheap, faded ass jeans.. nigga didn't buy 'em like that. I saw them shits when they were still blue son. And a striped polo that don't match shit in this whole room. This nigga walkin round lookin like a European fag model son.
Just Blaze: Jus Blaaaaaaaze
Bleek: What's that nigga that play the elf on Lord of the Rings?
Just Blaze: Jus Blaaaaaaaze
Bleek: Yeah man, I saw this nigga rockin the same shit on the cover of some magazine, lookin like a bitch. And now this nigga in the same get up. He a disgrace to everything the Roc stood for when I got here. Now he poppin shit like he at the top of the food chain. You feel me?
Just Blaze: Jus Blaaaaaaaze
Bleek: I think I'ma steal on this nigga son, right in his busted ass jaw. I'ma rip this faggot nigga's mouth off and he can make a song about that shit.
Just Blaze: Jus Blaaaaaaaze
Bleek: You right, you right. This ain't the time or the place. I gotta catch this nigga on the humble.
Just Blaze: Jus Blaaaaaaaze
Bleek: I hate this nigga son. That's my word. If this nigga ever say shit to me, I'ma have him spittin through a casket, you heard? Look, here come that bitch ass nigga right now.
Kanye: *walks up to Bleek and Blaze* what up niggas?
Bleek: Sup
Just Blaze: Jus Blaaaaaaaze
Kanye: I just wanna thank y'all for showin me love tonight.
Bleek: Well you know, it's Roc-A-Fella for life. We family.
Kanye: Exactly
Bleek: Everybody get their lil 15 minutes of fame, no matter what. Enjoy it.
Kanye: Yup... Bleek, you're one hit away! *pats Bleek's shoulder, and walks away laughing*
Bleek: *grinds his teeth and literally turns red*
Just Blaze: Jus Blaaaaaaaze!
Bleek: AYO! EVERYBODY! Listen up! I got a announcement to make!
*everybody stops what they're doing*
Bleek: *surprised everyone listened* .... uh....
*blank stares*
Bleek: Last night, I got in a car acc- a PLANE accident. A plane crash... and I almost died...so I'ma take 50-- 100 Gs of my own money and shoot a video!
*crowd is already back to ignoring him*

Posh Spice: *walks up to Bleek laughing* That was a great story. I don't know how Dame does it...
Bleek: does what?
Posh Spice: Find all this talent. Rappers, producers, now even the waiters are entertainers. *hands Bleek her empty glass and walks off*
Bleek: BITCH! what the FUCK son?!? Aight, I ain't never wearin a suit again.

Cam: *walks up to Bleek* What's goin on fam?
Bleek: Nothin man, just wonderin what the fuck happened to the game.
Cam: I feel you fam. All this faggot shit. It's disgusting.
Bleek: Word... whatchu doin after this?
Cam: Man, I'ma go get my dick sucked by this nigga out back.
Bleek: ........
Cam: Then I probably hit some more of this purple and catch me some Dave Chappelle.
whole crowd: I'M RICK JAMES BITCH!
Bleek: Hol up... you gettin your dick sucked by who?
Cam: This nigga, I forget his name. You want me to ask if he'll hit you off too?
Bleek: Nigga how the fuck you get your dick sucked by a dude?
Cam: Nah fam, don't get it twisted. Ain't no fruity shit goin on over here... not everybody can get away with that shit. But when you the hardest nigga on the block, it's nothin fam. Just like in jail. That don't make you gay, you feel me?
Bleek: Yo... I'ma catch up with you later tho. *walks away*
Cam: Aight man. Ayo--
Bleek: *stops*
Cam: Killa Cam, Purple Haze comin Ca'March 2004.
Bleek: ....we on the same label, why you tellin me that?
Cam: I tell everybody that.

-- William Wiggins (hack-nee...)

De fehlink iz mootchul.

-- M Matos

I rememer that M.Matos thread and I got really depressed because it was SO funny, that I thought, what is the point of my existence, I could never be that funny. I could never even think of one of those jokes, let along 500 or something. It really caused a sort of existential crisis for me. So it gets my vote!

Ethan, Ronan, Duane are all really funny, heaps of people are funny. but that whole thread was weirdly funny.

LISTEN ME BREDRIN IM BEEN LONG TIME ON STRATFORD REX, MY BREDRIN RUDEBOY WESLEY TELL ME BOUT DEM CHICHI BOY LIKE YOU. TRY STEP TO ME ILL DICE U UP FASS.

DONT TEST EAST LONDON NIGGAZ TRUS YOU FASSYMAN DONT NAH NUTTIN U THINK BRIXTON HOME OF YARDA. ONLY YARDA BWOY DOWN THAT SLUM BE DEM HEROIN FASS DAT SO SKINNY FROM ALL DAT CHICHI SEX DAY HAVE.

SEN?

-- HUNTA-D (thuggedoutbitc...), May 6th, 2002 9:00 PM.

I did a search before starting the thread but came up with nothing.

Apologies for the duplicate

L33+ +3rr0R!z+X0r 0z4M4 8!|\| L4D3|\| h3 S4Y: "h4h4 \/\/33 p\/\/|\|3d yR 4ssX0r |)00|)"
-- Liz :x (liz...) January 7th, 2005.

(BBC in w3bspeak ph3n0m3n0n shocka)

its just another piece of rap slang, i dont tell my grandmother her macaroni is off the motherfucking chain either but if im with hiphop people sure no big deal

-- s trife (i$oiv@if5ws)), October 14th, 2002 12:40 PM.