Hastings, The Young Man Who Was From There, And What Happened To His Pastings, Part 3: The Spiral Bridge Defenestrations

On the treadmill I got as far as:

In Hastings high school there were students
Who sometimes exhibited impudence...

(But then I'm stuck. Plus, "sometimes?" More like every second of every day...)

"There are lots of war protests arond the country - yesterday someone burned George Bush in effigy!, everyone's fear of being drafted, Matt and his idea of "a trail of children around the world," and John Justen licking the car window at a middle-aged woman who scowled at him - while he was driving no less!"

P.S. More discussion of William of Normandy please.

God Bless.

Also: just finished Minutemen documentary. Two thumbs up. Wow, I need to spend some more time with the Minutemen.

"[When they started out] they didn't know how to tune their instruments, what the knobs were for. They just thought, like, I like to play loose and I like to play tight." -Flea

(not a literal transcript, but a rough aproximation)

(I need to find the link to the limerick I posted on ILE a few years ago.)

There was an old biddy from Hastings
Who stockpiled guns, powder and casings
her gentleman caller
gave out a big holler
When caught out he got a lead basting
Or maybe not.

-- Fluffy Bear, Perpetual 12-Year-Old (el.jeffe.bonanz...), July 11th, 2006 4:07 PM. (Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows) (link)
________________________________________

There once was a bear that fluffy
A perpetual youth and a toughie
But he started to weep
After he shagged all the sheep
Since it turned out their backsides were scruffy

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), July 11th, 2006 4:22 PM. (Ned) (link)
________________________________________
There once was a Ned named Raggett
Who when he saw garbage yelled, "Bag it!"
He trolled all the dumpsters
For ragged mogwomp furs
Rejecting all meat without maggots

-- Fluffy Bear, Perpetual 12-Year-Old (el.jeffe.bonanz...), July 11th, 2006 4:35 PM. (Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows) (link)
________________________________________
There was once was a cool Sara R-C
Looking for her own Mr. Darcy
Then a fine upstanding fellow
Gave her a scotchmallow
And now she has kids who speak Farsi

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), July 11th, 2006 4:52 PM. (Ned) (link)
________________________________________
There once was loner named Raggett
Who like Onan squeezed it and gagged it
To a picture he'd glom
Of his pendulous mom
Where he blew it scraped it and bagged it.

-- Fluffy Bear, Perpetual 12-Year-Old (el.jeffe.bonanz...), July 11th, 2006 4:56 PM. (Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows) (link)

________________________________________
Young Perry, while roaming the towns
Wore a series of saddening frowns
The reason, to be sure
Was missing the Cure
So now he juggaloes for insane clowns

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), July 11th, 2006 5:30 PM. (Ned) (link)
________________________________________
Nice one, Ned.

I came up with these on the bus.

Just nasty:

There once was a housewife named Sara
Who’s postman found her weeding terra
He said stay on your knees
She said do as you please
Just don’t let it run through my mascara

Almost without merit:

There was a good son named John Justen
Who’s father’s boots he was a dustin’
On his crown fell a slap
He looked up with a snap
On his chin siblings were a bustin’

Somewhat clever, actually:

There was a role-player named Dan
Who would dress up like a milk-man
Ol’ ball-and-chain Perry
Liked it in the derry
His mother took it in the can
Good luck with “Jeff Peterson”, hosers.

-- Fluffy Bear, thy name is Jeff Peterson, Perpetual 12-Year-Old (el.jeffe.bonanz...), July 11th, 2006 6:40 PM. (Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows) (link)
________________________________________
Jeff Peterson lived on a reef
Where he let off queef after queef
He'd gone there to be rid
Of an obnoxious wite kid
Who had sonned him in an AOL beef

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), July 11th, 2006 7:10 PM. (Ned) (link)
________________________________________
FB you are going to be lucky to live. But.

Dan, Sara and John all wrote poems
And sent them to friend from their homes
They collected so many
And sold each for a penny
To Jeff, who bound them in tomes.

(and has the virtue of sticking a bit closer to reality, AHEM)

Not to mention that my mail carrier is a woman.

Jeff's limericks were all so obscene
No one could discern what they mean
They poisoned the thread
And hurt my poor head
And the brain bleach cannot get me clean.

(That last one is entirely Austin's extemporaneous creation, btw).
Also composed with Austin while cooking dinner - mostly Austin, really, he's good at this)

There once was a young man from Hastings
Who hosed illicit drug tastings
His plans went all wrong
On a trip to Hong Kong
When his sideburns detached from their pastings.

(I guess whoever that is will remain nameless).

In a town with an old spiral bridge
Whose children kept beer in the fridge
John Justen drank ten
Which impressed all the men
But caused him to fall off the ridge.

Hastings old spiral bridge clearly demonstrates
As Dan Perry frequently remonstrates
The morals of town
Could go up or go down
But John Justen's booze he defenestrates.

-- Sara R-C (sr...), July 11th, 2006 7:15 PM. (Sara R-C) (link)
________________________________________
Also, A.'s thoughts while watching me eat some Fritos (he hates Fritos):

There once was a girl who loved Fritos
She ate them while drinking mojitos
The salt and the booze
Quickly caused her to lose
The ends of her feet, but for 3 toes.

(My feet are fine, but I do love mojitos. And Fritos.)

-- Sara R-C (sr...), July 11th, 2006 7:23 PM. (Sara R-C) (link)
________________________________________
There once was a lawyer subgenius
Who avoided accepting suppoenas
His secretary lie
in locos delicti
On which his briefs were filed sub judice

-- Fluffy Bear, Perpetual 12-Year-Old (el.jeffe.bonanz...), July 11th, 2006 7:57 PM. (Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows) (link)
________________________________________
O'er Hastings a foul cloud begat
A queer gale that blew off my hat
T'was a big fire at Koch
from an old pipe that broke
Now the Old River Town smells like scat

-- Fluffy Bear, Perpetual 12-Year-Old (el.jeffe.bonanz...), July 11th, 2006 8:03 PM. (Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows) (link)

________________________________________
n Hastings high school there were students
Who sometimes exhibited impudence
To put on a play
They were locked in for days
Which did sometimes lead to imprudence.

-- Sara R-C (sr...), July 11th, 2006 11:06 PM. (Sara R-C) (link)
________________________________________
Jeffrey Brian Peterson
Was all alone scrubbing his gun
He popped of a round
The fell on the ground
Merrily shrieking, "I WON!!!!"

-- Jesus Dan (djperr...)

NOW GIMME SOME MORE HASTINGS LIMERICKS

I don't know whether to tell you to run far away or invite you in. The problem with Hastings isn't so much getting in as getting back out...

Actually, for all the bad parts of living there (and there were many), most of my favorite people are from there. They made up a tiny minority of the town, to be sure, but I wouldn't trade them in for a different place to grow up in. I'm quite stupid and/or sentimental that way.

Dan - band rehearsal? (As you have already realized, LIMERICK MADNESS can go on for quite some time...)

The sexual skills of D. Perry
transcended the mere ordinary.
He could roger you roundly
whilst beating you soundly
at cribbage. Talented? Very!

Tourette's caused our hero N. Raggett
to occasionally holler out "Faggot!"
so he, full of tricks,
waved around bundled sticks
to prove he's no homophobe maggot.

-- Colin Meeder (amisrau...), February 28th, 2003 6:24 AM. (Mert) (link)

Here: Dirty Limericks

(Kidding, suzy. I'm sure you're fine.)

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), September 3rd,

A black cat, all costumed in satin
muttered evil pronouncements in Latin.
With his asshole depraved
he had grannies enslaved
and his howling could frighten Mike Patton.

For those that have experienced my house, my only excuse for my abscence yesterday is that I was cleaning the black-lung inducing demon hole that we call a basement all day. Then I passed out. I'll try to do my limerick duty as the day goes on.

There once was a thread that was manic
That filled a small town with a panic
In Hastings, they cried
"It's destroying our pride
And watched oer by a cat thats satanic!"

More later. Also, FB, how have you known me for this long and not ended up with a copy of double nickels on the dime?

Re: Double Nickles. It's a shame. A shame indeed.

Also, you all are way too good at writing limericks... but I've been distracted this morning by my friend C4th1e, who decided to bring me an Egg McMuffin out of the blue. Now she can no longer mock me for being a McDonald's breakfast virgin.

In a town that was down by a river
Jeff Peterson obtained a sliver
of hash for his pipe
but Ned said, "That is tripe -
If you smoke that you'll give me a shiver."

(A. really is better at limericks than I am. So clear!)

I think we should all be greatful that we are able to speculate, rather than reminisce.

But I'll be grateful anyway. Because... nope, I can't go there. Brain bleach time again.

It should be noted that a GIS for "Hannity Mcmuffin" yields no results. Never in the same room together? Hmmmmmm.

xpost

I suppose I will be forced to accept your apology to maintain peace.

suzy, I'm really getting a strange image of your family's life.

minnesotans, RIP for one of our own, Paul Nelson:
http://citypages.com/databank/27/1336/article14526.asp

-- M@tt He1geson, Rendolent Ding-Dong (matt@game[remove]informer.com) (webmail), July 12th, 2006 12:39 PM. (Matt Helgeson) (link)

If god was a fat warty troll named Sckrullydupeblartz, yes.

There's kind of no way to improve upon that casting choice! Maybe Dustin Diamond.

OMG H0LLY FUCKING SCHW31CH

Dan, your Heathers reference reminded me of a tape T0dd made for me. I ran upstairs and... there it was, dated "August 1990." I haven't listened to it for years, but he interspersed quotes from that movie between songs. (Labeled in my poor handwriting, it begins with Cyndi Lauper, Unabbreviated Love and I Gotta Hole in My Heart That Goes All the Way to China, then hits The Cure, Erasure, The Eurythmics, Robyn Hitchcock and the Egyptians... I've got to go find a place where the kids can't hear it. So funny!)

I was irrationally pleased that I had heard of them (so thanks).

Dan, your casting could not be any more perfect. *gestures, kissing tips of fingers*

http://www.dan.perry.youaremighty.com/

http://truemeaningoflife.com/pictures/anabukin.jpg

www.sara.robinson-coolidge.youaremighty.com

or whatever name you like.

Now you may confuse and/or inspire others with this tool.

First Ave: how had I forgotten that the weather inside is perpetually hot and humid with a light to medium fog machine mist?

5 months no fucking?
I'd need a couple hours of total privacy A DAY(yeah right. I'm too helpful and nice to leave a pregant woman to like.... do things without TRYING to help all awkward) or LOTS OF WHORES.
Again, I'm all nice and and caring. So...no whores.

Thus, THERE'S ONE WORD ON MY MIND AND THAT WORD IS:

FUCK!!!

Tip: for interview, possibly do not discuss reason for adopting.

Track 6 is an excerpt of the duet J0ei and I will be singing tomorrow.

When did I turn into my great-grandmother?!

j0hn i think i might be going to the entry instead, just saw that this deal w/the Happy Apple dudes and GREG NORTON OF HUSKER DU is playing (called Gang Font)....

...I've never seen Greg Norton in real life! Why does Grant Hart have to be the one that's everywhere? I will witness the Great Moustache in the flesh!

(tho I'm only so-so on lots of Dave King sideprojex so if it's lame noodling I might go check GGDWP)

Have fun whatever you guys do tonight/this weekend/really whenever. I shall enviously think of your youthful partying while lying on the couch.

For your amusement:

No one knows for sure who he was, that Middle Eastern man in an American flag shirt and a cowboy hat who was supposed to sing the national anthem at a rodeo Friday night in the Salem Civic Center.

But he sure shook up this town before leaving in a hurry.

Introduced as Boraq Sagdiyev from Kazakhstan, he was said to be an immigrant touring America. A film crew was with him, doing some sort of documentary. And he wanted to sing "The Star-Spangled Banner" to show his appreciation, the announcer told the crowd.

Speaking in broken English, the mysterious man first told the decidedly pro-American crowd - it was a rodeo, of all things, in Salem, of all places - that he supported the war on terrorism.

"I hope you kill every man, woman and child in Iraq, down to the lizards," he said, according to Brett Sharp of Star Country WSLC, who was also on stage that night as a media sponsor of the rodeo.

An uneasy murmur ran through the crowd.

"And may George W. Bush drink the blood of every man, woman and child in Iraq," he continued, according to Robynn Jaymes, who co-hosts a morning radio show with Sharp and was also among the stunned observers.

http://www.roanoke.com/news/roanoke/wb/xp-16655

Oh, that is a disturbing news clip.

My two new favorite George W. Bush-isms (courtesy of The New Yorker):

"Sometimes leaders show up who do a great disservice to the traditions and people of a country."

and, less ironic, but somehow better:

"There are limits to how much corn can be used for ethanol. After all, we got to eat some."

PLEASE TELL ME THE PAST 6 YEARS HAVE BEEN A VERY STRANGE DREAM.

I like how they misspelled "Borat". As in... Borat.

I'm not sure what summer this was, but my little brother went to John's Dad's store and bought... well, an amp for sure, and possibly the guitar to go with it. So far as I know, M4rk only used it the one time: the very next morning. Really REALLY early. I woke up to M4rk playing the opening chords of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn..." over and over and over.

http://www.startribune.com/462/story/598864.html

That original Wal-Mart went up during the 1990-91 school year; I remember coming home from Indiana (always took the train to Red Wing and got picked up there) and being surprised how fast that happened. My least favorite business in town...

Wal-Mart coming in was why my Dad sold Coast to Coast and bought House of Wines (and also how we wound up with Carbone's - he owns that building, but nothing stays in that space for long).

(xpost; I'm sure John would be a highly entertaining mayor, however).