i can't believe its another 'posts that made you laugh out loud' compendium thread, excelsior yadda yadda

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there's a patron saint of GOOD Brazilian metal?
now you ask I'm trying to find out who St. Sepulchre actually was but I just keep getting links to the "Ave Maria: Catholic Singles" dating site

-- j0e (j_o_e_...)

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he's over there, trying not to accidentally-on-purpose fall backwards onto a willy.
-- j0e (j_o_e_...), May 12th, 2003. (later)

-- Nicole (nicolew1...), May 12th, 2003.

"Supposed" to see them? no. But they were playing in Kansas City. I think I was supposed to destroy them, but I failed. Zues is very mad.
-- Mike Hanle y (pennyson...), May 12th, 2003 3:13 AM.

-- Tom Breihan (lazerbee...), May 12th, 2003. (Tom Breihan)

http://pics.drugstore.com/prodimg/10374/200.jpg

-- Jody Beth Rosen (edito...), May 12th, 2003. (Jody Beth Rosen) (later) (link)

ilm - corn
-- jess (dubplatestyl...), May 12th, 2003.

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jess - pants
-- chaki (chak...), May 12th, 2003

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Yes but Ronan you are only six.
-- N. (nickdastoo...), May 13th, 2003. (later)

Spurs fan in wanting it to be 14 years ago shocker.

-- Ronan (ronan.fitzgerald...), May 13th, 2003. (later)

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and probably the most patronising
-- electric sound of jim (electricsoun...), May 13th, 2003. (electricsound) (later) (link)

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nah, that would be my last post
-- M Matos (michaelangelomato...), May 13th, 2003. (M Matos) (later) (link)

Dreidel Of Filth!
-- donut bitch (do...), May 13th, 2003 4:32 AM.

julio desouza is a twat.
-- RJG (r_gillander...), May 13th, 2003. (later)

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How is it possible to romanticise Grunge?
-- Matt (Mat...), May 14th, 2003 11:39 AM.

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"WAAGHH! LIFE IS A VOID!
I HAVE BOUGHT YOU A KITTEN!"
-- Matt (Mat...), May 14th, 2003 11:40 AM.

so, how did it happen?
-- gareth (garet...), May 13th, 2003 3:38 AM.

presumably it happened when the Republicans had moved to the Right to such an extent that Southern Democrats felt happier voting for them than for a party with a load of pinko fag northern liberals in it.
-- DV (dirtyvica...), May 13th, 2003 3:42 AM.

(oh wait except for the whole Trail of Tears and countless other atrocities)

-- jaymc (jmcunnin...), May 13th, 2003.

-- Mary (maj23...), May 14th, 2003. (later)

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"Nice Fozzie."
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), May 14th, 2003. (later)

OH MY GOD. I just dreamed about JBR. I dreamed that she was OTM. I'm not even kidding.
It's like I've been playing the same video game way too much.

-- Kenan Hebert (mondri...), April 28th, 2003 1:44 PM. (kenan)

mom: Did you go to school with a Marissa so-and-so?
me: um, rings a bell. I think she transferred in my last year.
mom: well she was killed in a freak accident, left behind four kids. (note: we were 25 or 26 at this point)
me: wow, what happened?
mom: she was leading a tour of an old mine museum and one of the little ore carts came loose. It went along the tracks and she was in the way. Smashed her right up against the wall.
me: Holy shit.

-- teeny (teen...), May 14th, 2003. (later) (link)

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That in and of itself might be funny.
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), May 14th, 2003. (Ned) (later) (link)

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Yeah, you'll be laughing it up until he starts ripping off his skin and flinging it at you while Sting has you pinned down in a tantric choke-hold and Geri aerobicizes all up and down your ass.
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), May 14th, 2003. (Dan Perry) (later) (link)

Allegedly...

http://www.qsl.net/w5www/hugh-grant.jpg

+

http://www.jvibe.com/homer/gallery/bartbus.jpg

-- Nordicskillz (t1nym1n...), May 15th, 2003 5:45 PM

What, you look like Hugh Grant being arrested after being found in the back of a bus with Bart Simpson by ZZ Top?

-- Sean Carruthers (oneiro...), May 15th, 2003 5:48 PM

OMG we are Trans-Atlantic strained hamstring brothers!
-- Nate Patrin (natepatrin550...), May 13th, 2003.

-- Mandee (Wolfshir...) (webmail), May 15th, 2003 10:44 AM. (later) (link)

* Nonchalantly checks brand of disposable pen *

* Simultaneously scratches single testicle *

-- Tracer Hand (tracerhan...) (webmail), May 15th, 2003 11:08 AM. (tracerhand) (later) (link)

My mom bought me Madonna's Sex book!
-- Ally (mlescau...), May 15th, 2003. (later)

That's even worse!
11,000,000 dead vs. Vanilla Ice nekkid!
-- hstencil (hstenci...), May 15th, 2003. (later)

It wasn't so long ago that men faking orgasms was a lame punchline. Then I heard some comedian try it again and the audience was like 'Hang on - I think that's a recognised phenomenon' and the comedian was sad.

-- N. (nickdastoor), January 7th, 2003.

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The 4 Real Dastoors, you not heard of them.
"Nick - you come and tidy your room or I'll come and let a vein."

-- Pete (pb1...), May 15th, 2003 10:45 PM.

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I phoned Morpheus and he agreed it was ridiculous.
-- Ronan (ronan.fitzgerald...), May 16th, 2003. (later)

-- nickalicious (nza2342...), May 16th, 2003.

-- Nicole (nicolew1...), May 16th, 2003. (later) (link)

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Ringsting makes you hungry? Yugh!

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), May 16th, 2003. (later) (link)

In retrospect I wish I fished my telescope out of the garage, but there's barely any room left here on the roof for anything. However, here's a nicely overexposed featureless pixelated photo:

-- Chris Barrus (chri...), May 16th, 2003 12:05 AM. (Chris Barrus)

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

-- donut bitch (do...), May 17th, 2003. (later)

if thas impressive i have a whole new line of work open to me

-- H (harefeain...), May 17th, 2003. (later)

DB and H in giant civil-war-walrus-mustaches shocker.

-- chester (goth_casua...), May 17th, 2003. (later)

-- bnw (rilke...), May 17th, 2003. (later)

(It sounds horrible, but the way he phrased it makes me howl every single time.)

-- Dave M. (pton_mwaa...), May 19th, 2003 8:12 PM. (rotten03)

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), May 19th, 2003. (later)

FRANCE?!!!

-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), May 19th, 2003. (later)

I'm sorry, he's on vacation in Freedom.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), May 19th, 2003. (later)

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If all goes according to plan, the triangular area around your nose is the vulva.
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), May 19th, 2003. (later)

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They play pan pipes versions of Celine Dion hits to doped-up hamsters, then make them choose a credit card.
-- Nordicskillz (t1nym1n...), May 19th, 2003. (later)

-- Ronan (ronan.fitzgerald...), May 19th, 2003. (later) (link)

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but with more sweet sweet cock.
-- Kenan Hebert (khebert...), May 19th, 2003 8:56 AM. (kenan) (later)

-- luna (luna_cee...), May 20th, 2003 5:53 PM.

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Oooh. That sounds so nice...
-- Trayce (trayc...), May 20th, 2003 5:56 PM.

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and then they lez up
-- oops (don'temailmebitc...), May 20th, 2003 6:02 PM.

i keep waiting for someone to mention Thug's "Fuck your dad"

-- electric sound of jim (electricsoun...), May 20th, 2003. (later) (link)

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um, we don't...like to talk about that...incident.

-- Lord Custos Epsilon (L.Custo...), May 20th, 2003. (later) (link)

-- j.lu (flavi...), May 20th, 2003. (j.lu)

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Or down.
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), May 20th, 2003. (Dan Perry)

Like a pizzaman, Dan Perry once again delivers.

-- nickalicious (nza2342...), May 20th, 2003. (later)

I specifically asked for extra cheese

-- oops (don'temailmebitc...), May 20th, 2003. (later)

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I can't help it. It's like crack, only ugly.
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), May 20th, 2003. (later)

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No Joke? What will you write about then? hahaha
-- Yanc3y (ystrickle...), May 20th, 2003. (later)

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(haha "pending" indeed)
-- mark s (mar...), September 3rd, 2002.

-- Carey (flembac...), April 16th, 2003 5:20 PM.

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), May 20th, 2003.

-- Tracer Hand (tracerhan...), May 20th, 2003. (later)

-- Jazzbo (jmcga...), May 21st, 2003 11:16 AM. (later)

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Unlike their owners.
-- Lynskey (pau...), May 21st, 2003 11:29 AM. (later)

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ooh look at me with my I-Powerjesus 5 . . . it's so reliable and clean and ooo look at it it's shaped like the emotion "compassion" . . . and it's in tasteful chrome . . . ooo tasteful chrome and it's so lilac and inviting and the mouse is shaped like a gaggle of windswept swans and ooo . . . etc.
-- Lynskey (pau...), May 21st, 2003 11:32 AM. (later)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A little Monistat should clear that right up.

-- Jody Beth Rosen (edito...), May 20th, 2003.

-- Matt DC

i'm trisexual...meaning everything always takes three attempts
-- stevem (bluesk...), May 20th, 2003. (later)

1: Are you ordering lasagne?

(If "Yes", go to question 2)
(If "No", go to question 4)

2: Do you have a dick in your mouth?

(If "Yes", go to question 3)
(If "No", go to question 4)

3: Are you a man?

(If "Yes", YOU ARE GAY)
(If "No", go to question 5)

4: Have you ever considered getting it on with a black man?
(If "Yes", go to question 3)
(If "No", YOUR LOSS; ONCE YOU GO BLACK, YOU NEVER GO BACK)

5: Are you busy tonight?

(If "Yes", YOU ARE GAY)
(If "No", I'M ABOUT TO WAX THAT ASS)

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), May 21st, 2003. (later)

Haha Ronan works in The Office!

-- nickalicious (nza2342...), May 21st, 2003.

yes :(
-- Nordicskillz

by girls
-- Nordicskillz

in wheelchairs
-- Nordicskillz

Do you:
a) Use the Dragon Powder
b) Quote Bukowski
c) Ejaculate

????

-- Moran (parschnipe...), May 21st, 2003. (Nordicskillz)

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Cry more, more, more?

-- Spencer Chow (spencercho...), May 21st, 2003. (spencermfi)

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Boy, you'll be in trouble when winter comes.
-- Frühlingsmute (wintermute_v0.3...), May 21st, 2003. (Wintermute) (later) (link)

"No, yah, we only haf Apple Duukers"

-- donut bitch (do...), May 21st, 2003 9:01 AM.

his eyes rolled back in their sockets and his head turned red with blood and fell off and an enormous jet of flame erupted from his neck. it was like that bit at the end of "raiders of the lost ark"
-- bob snoom (bobwes...), May 21st, 2003 9:36 PM.

I auditioned for Cry Freedom and got down to the last five and got to meet Richard Attenborough. Then that bugger Denzel got the part.

-- Sam (chirombo300...), May 22nd, 2003.

Casting a 10 year-old white boy as Steve Biko would have been an audacious move, I admit.

-- Sam (chirombo300...), May 22nd, 2003.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Watch out for N. then.
-- Tico Tico (ticoticoil...), May 22nd, 2003. (later)

One of my best friends would get all his drinks for free at our bar, >but he would tip them between $100 and $200 by the end of the night. >He was often poor.

>-- Yanc3y

All these soundbites that become 'hip' and get used ad infinitum are totally, inherently IRRITATING and CRAP. It's the death of imagination and having anything useful/interesting/witty to say.

Haha. Really.

-- ChristineSH (ampco...), May 22nd, 2003 10:54 PM. (later)

yeh but christine, wassssssupppppp?

-- stevem (bluesk...), May 22nd, 2003 11:01 PM. (later)

-- Einze

So I have been told.

-- BurmaKitty (burmakitt...), May 23rd, 2003. (later) (link)

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Well who gives a shit what anyone else thinks, B? Fuck 'em.

-- luna (luna_cee...), May 23rd, 2003. (later) (link)

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I usually do.

-- BurmaKitty (burmakitt...), May 23rd, 2003. (later) (link)

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), May 23rd, 2003. (later)

I THOUGHT WE WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ABOUT PERSON X

-- Tim (hopkinsti...), May 23rd, 2003. (later)

(note: edited for maximum comedic effect)

i think the point of it is to harvest more addresses for the important penis growing information that is being shared these days
-- duane (kkhg...)

You would think that. Go back to chatting about football.

-- kate (masonicboo...), May 22nd, 2003.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

nah, he's an upper-class irish lad. emotional things are bound to disturb him.

-- doom-e (hulkwantspeac...), May 22nd, 2003.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Milan team of the early 90s was a true football team, manly and devoid of all emotion.

For those of us who lacked emotion, there was no better backline than Tassoti, Baresi, Maldini, Costacurta. Although his career was ruined by a tragic car accident, one almost might say that Gianluigi Lentini exemplified the cold and ruthless, or even emotionless attitude to football which made AC Milan so very successful.

Rossi was of course that rare thing, a truly consistent goalkeeper who marshalled the magnificent defence in front of him. Then there was Dejan Savicevic. And lets not forget Marco Van Basten, possibly the greatest striker of all time.

Was there ever a more cold and emotionless victory than their pummelling of Gothenburg in the European Cup. The same game in which Van Basten wowed crowds with a tremendous overhead volley?

Who can really say, but one thing is certain, the AC Milan team of the early 90s were a marvel to behold.

-- Ronan (ronan.fitzgerald...), May 22nd, 2003.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

metal machine music
-- duane (ipgdfs...), May 23rd, 2003. (later)

Aja, your obsession with Mr.Grohl is starting to worry me.
-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), May 24th, 2003. (later)

Alex, your obsession with...oh never mind.
-- mei (meirion.lewi...), May 24th, 2003. (later)

re: creem. Though I still wanna fuck that horse screaming "Oh, Marilyn! BABY!"

----------

Damon and Ally sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), May 9th, 2003.

----------

Oh, that's mature.
-- Ally (mlescau...), May 9th, 2003.

----------

Well, it would start with kissing, and get more mature from there.
-- Kenan Hebert (khebert...), May 9th, 2003.

----------

dude, hang out in the lower east side for two hours and you can see her do that in the flesh!
-- Yanc3y (ystrickle...), May 23rd, 2003.

[note: I literally fell on the floor reading this]

ha ha ha
-- M Matos (michaelangelomato...), May 24th, 2003 9:07 AM.

So it's called Cici, and it's in Capri Sun-type pouches with large built-in straws. There's no tea, see, it's fruit juice with bits of Jello in it (this one's peach; I haven't had it, but pineapple was great, except for the bit where it was a little like sucking off a zombie. A pineapple-flavored zombie).

-- Tep (te...), May 25th, 2003 9:45 PM. (later)

-- Tep (te...), May 25th, 2003 9:52 PM. (later)

-- Ally (mlescau...), May 26th, 2003 8:28 PM. (later)

This is sounding much dodgier now.

Hey, I offered you the blowjob, and even to pay for it.

Is it one of those just-add-water things? Is it an ASTRONAUT BLOWJOB?
-- Nate Patrin (natepatrin550...), May 26th, 2003 9:26 PM. (later)

Goddammit. THERE IT IS. Only that's not the pineapple one.

*or other stuff

http://www.vitamincfan.com/images/vcfan_hold3.jpg

???

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you could make that a classic death metal song by replacing "peas" with "women"
-- Curtis Stephens (sevenxvii...), May 26th, 2003 6:34 AM.

This'll show that Harmony Korine!
-- David Beckhouse (dbeckh), May 25th, 2003 1:27 PM. (David Beckhouse) (later) (link)

it's Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band cuz they fight werewolves!
-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), May 26th, 2003 9:23 AM.

Answers
Yes.
-- Frühlingsmute (wintermute_v0.3...), May 25th, 2003.

------------------------------------------------------------

where is the answer?
-- adejoke akiolu (jokkyakk...), May 25th, 2003.

------------------------------------------------------------

where is the answer to the question?
-- adejoke akiolu (jokkyakk...), May 25th, 2003.

------------------------------------------------------------

What question? It was a Japanese "yes", as in "yes, I understand, go on".
-- Frühlingsmute (wintermute_v0.3...), May 25th, 2003.

-- duane (sjsuhf...), May 26th, 2003 2:45 PM. (later)

-- luna (luna_cee...), May 26th, 2003 4:25 AM. (later)

STOP SWEARING ON MY THREAD!!
-- Aja (AsiaKitty200...), May 27th, 2003.

i just wanna say the reason that women go to the bathroom in pairs or groups is cos there's almost always a long freakin' line, and then we can talk to each other and not get bored.
-- praying mantis (prayingmanti...), May 27th, 2003. (later)

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plus they have air hockey tables in women's bathrooms
-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), May 27th, 2003. (later)

http://www.gerberouterwear.com/images/bike/top_gun_jumpsuit.jpg

RAWR!!!!1!

http://www.ballsout.com/socks.jpg

k-r0wr!@#@#!!@#~

http://www.ofb.net/~tlau/knit/thrifty-vest-small.jpg

ER AHEm, i think i'd better er come back inna little while (cough)

-- Pashmina (pashmin...), May 28th, 2003. (later)

If God is trying to tell you "NI!", all I can say is BEST GOD EVE.
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), May 27th, 2003. (Dan Perry)

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GOD WANTS A SHRUBBERY!
-- Ally (mlescau...), May 27th, 2003. (mlescaut)

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A *what*?
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), May 27th, 2003. (Ned)

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You all can cut that shit out right now.
-- teeny (teen...), May 27th, 2003. (teeny)

Oh Lawdy I [heart] teeny so much.

-- Billy Dods (butterbubble...), May 28th, 2003 12:29 PM. (later)

I'd like to see a trailer where that deep-voiced announcer intones, over sped-up cityscape imagery:

She was a girl.

He was a boy.

Can we make it any more obvious?

-- slutsky (parrisactava...), May 28th, 2003. (slutsky)

Actually I think this movie was conceived as an answer to that very question.

-- amateurist (amateuris...), May 28th, 2003. (amateurist)

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Not without dinner and a movie first.
-- Dan Perry (djperr...)

I never tire of that shit.

-- Bryan (bryan...), May 28th, 2003 10:46 AM.

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Works for Blur!
-- Ally (mlescau...), May 28th, 2003. (mlescaut) (later) (link)

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i hear their next video is to feature a giant detached head flying over various world cities frowning suspiciously....bastards!
-- stevem (bluesk...), May 28th, 2003. (blueski) (later) (link)

I only ever paste something here when it literally makes me laugh out loud [rockist], but shit I know I'm way too negative and I smile at stuff around here all the time. Like the exchange Ally just posted for one.

-- Ally (mlescau...), May 28th, 2003.

Like an elven Stomp?
-- slutsky (parrisactava...), May 29th, 2003.

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Like an elven Stomp?
if they did something like that on stage, i'd be so there dude!

-- Tad (llamasfu...), May 29th, 2003 8:52 PM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

let's get the Icy Hot Stuntaz in on this shit, so we can have Lords of the Elven Bling-Bling Rap!
-- Tad (llamasfu...), May 29th, 2003 8:54 PM. (later)

He treats each number so well, as if it is the only number in the world. He is like a debonair ladies man for numbers.
-- estela (estelaisale...), May 29th, 2003. (later) (link)

-- Martin Skidmore (lonewolf.cu...), May 29th, 2003. (Martin Skidmore)

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Now you fuck them.
-- Yanc3y (ystrickle...), May 29th, 2003. (ystrickler)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe he'd throw pencils at your ass, trying to get one to stick right in it.
-- Chris V. (formerlypoopsmcge...), April 4th, 2003. (Chris V) (link)

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Methinks Chris has misunderstood the word "insouciant".
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), April 4th, 2003. (Dan Perry) (link)

Aren't we all, Millar, aren't we all.
-- teeny (teen...) (webmail), May 30th, 2003 4:25 PM. (teeny) (later)

-- mark s (mar...), May 26th, 2003. (mark s)

When it takes you five minutes to make the simplest of decisions, you know it's time to take it easy...

I was reading up on people's experiences with acid. What is up with the alcohol/acid deal? I could always drink a shitload when I was tripping. Weird. Anyway that Duane quote came from this entertaining thread-

Psychedelics - "far freakin' out" or "bummer, man"?

"Threeeee---ten? Twelvvvvve--"
"Twelve Three?"
"What does it say?"
"It's..."
"what are we doing?"
"What does it say?"
"What time is it?"
"Threeeeeee---"
"I don't know. Twelve o' three?"

It was really that stupid before we realized how fucking idiotic the conversation was and that we were all standing on the kitchen counter face-to-face with the gigantic clock trying to figure out what time it was so we could decide if the liquor store was still open.

Haven't done it in a while, but I'm feeling nostalgic tonight. ah, to be 8 years younger.

Anyway, ozzy knows where we're coming from!

Last time I was on mushrooms one of my friends started screaming about something and we went outside and he was pointing at a cow saying "it's distressed, it's distressed, oh god it's a distressed cow".
So we all had to calm the cow down and rub it and eventually he (our friend) said "he's ok now! he's really ok!". God drugs are silly.

Obviously E is more my thing.

-- Ronan (ronan.fitzgerald...), May 31st, 2003 10:48 PM.

cos is funny!

I was engaged to a man who told me that the last time he was on acid was on a 4th of July, and he was convinced for several days that the fireworks meant we were invaded by Russia.

Inspired by a genius phrase on the 'Wall' thread (which I didn't contribute to as I was all over the previous 50-odd Floyd threads) - "useless rock classic" - Zep all over. What do you get when you cross the Beatles' studio overkill, the Who's delusions of artistry, Cream's delusions of interestingness and virtuosity fetishism, and the Stones' justifying their disdain for their audience by using callous, rapacious cynicism as a selling point? You get a studio cash cow run by a junkie pedophile with the usual 'profound' mystical bullshit leanings and the clothes to match (along with an EZ-listening hack), backed up by a drunken Cro-magnon and a pretentious, preening adolescent fop who were previously chosen on the basis that their rank inexperience and stupidity made them easier to manipulate. Since they spent more time with needles and fish than actually writing, the easy solution was to rip off dozens of impoverished bluesman, folk guitarists, Moroccans, etc. to fill out the albums - and in perhaps an admission of their lack of inspiration, elected to pump everything full of steroids on the bottom end (well, it DID offset that stumbling electric adenoid that was the guitar playing) and shroud the albums in ominous, unknowable packaging, hinting that it was the 'aura', the 'depth' thaat mattered, not the 'songs', and as this led to mass success with an audience that no longer wanted to change the world (and just wanted to be left alone with their reds and Boone's Farm to 'get laid back, maaaan'), Zep abandoned even the Tolkien-and-Howlin' Wolf borrowings that weakly subbed for 'substance' and began to operate as if their vast, baffling emptiness WAS their core, and that just made them bigger! Yes, emptiness. Zep music is just...THERE. Zep never had anything to say about anything, to anybody, and they didn't even not say it in a very ethical or original manner. Combining the sussed/genius thing, except extending that straight into the sociopathic/autistic.

That said, I STILL think 'IV' is the best r'n'r album of all time - and since r'n'r will never have the same import it did in the early 70s (OK, let's just say it's 'dead'), always will be. I'm goin' down, and down, but this time I'll make an exception and take you!)
-- dave q (scrape10...), February 21st, 2002.

-- martin m. (marti...), June 2nd, 2003. (mushrush) (later)

There is no way you can compare rap to rock. Rock is far superior than rap. It takes more talant and way more skill to make it in the world of rock. Bands must practice for days and days, weeks and weeks, and months and months in order to get some respect from other musicians who have been there. I have no respect for rap or hip hop because they have all sorts of advantages and machines when it comes to writing their bullshit. Rock musicians just have their mind and feelings and that is it. To make up something that you truly made up yourself, and not something from a fucking machine, and have people love it and breath every single word of the song is an awesome feeling and it can only be felt by Rock artists. Rock is oh so much better than rap will ever be. Not to mention the lives shows either. Rock rules in the category too!!!!!
-- Sledge (luke768...), June 2nd, 2003. (later)

Anyway, most of the correspondence goes like this:

Dear So-and-So Funnyman,

Please give me a job. I lie in a horrible place and I get treated like dirt at work. So anything you can offer me would be great. Especially if
somehow it involves me driving a hot rod.
yrs truly,
H.Mann

their reply:

Dear Mr. Mann,

I represent Mssrs Rickles and Cosby, and at their behest I must ask that you cease and desist your campaign of harrassment and intimidation.
Any further correspondence from you will be considered as "threatening" and passed on to the appropriate authorities.

Sincerly,
F. Barnsworth Wadsfellow, LLB

PS, Enclosed is an autographed 8"X10" of your mom naked.

-- Horace Mann (handsomishbo...), June 2nd, 2003.

cry by using yr eyes. laugh by using yr mouth. extra brownie points if you do both at the same time.

(er, I larfed at this one when I was bout 13)
-- jel -- (freeduni...), June 2nd, 2003 9:06 AM.

g--ff = American, so "bin bags" alone is already funny.
-- g--ff c-nn-n (misterhungr...), June 2nd, 2003 9:11 AM.

sommermute 0\/\/|\|Z again!!

Pretty handy considering he's dead.
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), June 2nd, 2003. (later)

Lies! Falco lives in our hearts!
-- jel -- (freeduni...), June 2nd, 2003. (later)

Depeche Mode - as I've said on here before - were classic when Vince Clarke was steering the ship. Since then everything about them stinks. Heavy duty gloom, Gahan's cliched drugs probs, the pitiful lack of a decent tune. Possibly the most BORING group ever.

Spacemen 3 - hey let's stand our guitars next to the amps and record THAT. And then do it again. And again, and again...
Then whine on about their stupid, squalid, drug habits on top of that racket. Dreadful.

-- Dr. C (Daveatcrossdee...), June 3rd, 2003 4:01 AM.

Not if you don't like pills. I mean, I would be more disposed towards climbing inside the fridge and barricading myself because the pink of the carpet is comprised of thousands of screaming cakes that want to EEEEAAAAAAT MMEEEEEE!!!!
-- kate (masonicboo...), June 3rd, 2003.

Do arguments on Usenet count?

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), June 2nd, 2003. (Dan Perry) (later)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who did you argue with?

-- Nicole (nicolew1...), June 2nd, 2003. (Nicole) (later)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please say Russell Crowe, please says Russell Crowe

-- Horace Mann (handsomishbo...), June 2nd, 2003. (Horace Mann) (later)

damn fucking right.

Least favorite frame of mind: stressed out
*feels hair falling out from scalp*

-- Dee the Lurker (deethe_downspamdown_lurke...) (webmail), May 30th, 2003 9:33 PM.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Least favourite thing about ageing: hair falling out from scalp
-- electric sound of jim (electricsoun...) (webmail), May 30th, 2003 9:34 PM.

Alex Trebek: No, I'm sorry. The correct way to spell that word is "brilliantly". You get to spend eternity feeling like a complete and utter idiot while I stand here smugly.

*Ben Stein rushes stage, knocks Alex out with a good right upper cut*

Me: Ben Stein, my hero!

*stops daydreaming*

But that word is still misspelled. Damn it.

-- Calz (ca...), June 3rd, 2003.

it what you say when you climax masturbating (american cousin: 'boo-ya')
-- James Blount

("used to be" = b4 this thread)

-- Yanc3y (ystrickle...), June 3rd, 2003 4:19 PM. (later)

-- Pashmina (pashmin...), June 3rd, 2003. (later)

(1) Tolerance of ambiguity
Can hold contradictory ideas in head for a while without needing to 'resolve' them

(2) Stimulus freedom
Will diverge from 'brief', will take detours

(3) Functional freedom
Will depart from practical goals
(4) Flexibility
Open to experience, change

(5) Risk-taking
There's nothing to lose! Art is where you can 'crash the plane and walk'.

(6) Preference for disorder
Like messy or asymmetrical stuff more than other people seem to.

(7) Delay of Gratification
String the game out longer!

(8) Freedom from sex-role stereotyping
Creative men are more feminine and creative women more masculine than average.

(9) Perseverance
If at first...

(10) Courage
To boldly go...

(11) Self-control
Don't come yet!

-- Momus (nic...), May 28th, 2003. (later)

12) Generalise wildly

-- Martin Skidmore (lonewolf.cu...), May 28th, 2003. (later)

-- DV (dirtyvica...), June 3rd, 2003. (later)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Actually I lied, I still listen to old INXS records sometimes
-- dave q (scrape10...), September 25th, 2002.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gotcha.. I know what yer sayin & I have no comment...
But I wanted to take this time to say, "Die Electric Fucking Eels totally rock, and I hope no one finds out."

-- dave225 (adspac...), September 25th, 2002.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

well, I suppose INXS seems exciting because Michael Hutchence's final career move was unpredictable.
-- jack cole (jack_col...), September 25th, 2002.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

not if you saw dogs in space it wasn't
-- mark s (mar...), September 25th, 2002.

smarter than they

*ducks*

well, that's rather banal, innit

Even dismissive one-liners can be used to sell cars:

-- Momus (nic...), June 3rd, 2003 1:54 PM. (Momus)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

bono how could you?!!!

-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), June 3rd, 2003 1:57 PM. (James Blount)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

anyhow 'hip rock music'='young white people with money'='target demo'='cha-ching'

-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), June 3rd, 2003 1:58 PM. (James Blount)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

i want a car called "the unforgettable fire"

-- jess (dubplatestyl...), June 3rd, 2003 1:59 PM. (dubplatestyle)

We have no ethics. I mean, the fire was put out by some dude that came in and took apart the A/C, he seemed to know how to put out an electrical fire at least. The landlord was like, "No, it's not the A/C, it's Balduccis, they're probably cooking fish." It's like, what? Do they wrap the fish in wire and rubber and then blow it up? That seems a bit non-tasty if you ask me. So I get the landlord over...and he yells at my boss about a box in the hallway because it's a fire hazard!!! Meanwhile, the a/c is literally ON FIRE while he's doing this, I mean wtf is that?

PS Craig is not the boss of me, STFU, he's not even in this building!

-- Ally (mlescau...), June 3rd, 2003 4:37 PM. (mlescaut)

fires are just nature's way of cooking things. relax.
-- Mike Hanle y (pennyson...), June 4th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i learned everything i know from full house.
-- di smith (lucylure...) (webmail

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So is it proper to run down the aisle slapping everyone on the top of their heads as you exit or not?
-- NA. (emmaa...) (webmail), June 3rd, 2003

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't wait to see the look on her face when she hears the good news.
-- s1utsky (parrisactava...) (webmail), June 5th, 2003

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it involves 1 part sunshine, 1 part pants, and 2 parts will to live
-- jess (dubplatestyl...), June 5th, 2003. (dubplatestyle)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To kill time in between burning CDRs?
-- electric sound of jim (electricsoun...), July 29th, 2002.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i'll do her for you.
-- chaki (chak...), June 5th, 2003. (chaki) (later) (link)

not only does this win the OTM award of the year, it may be the best thing ever said on ILX. jess, you're an inspiration to hermits everywhere.

-- jess (dubplatestyl...), March 26th, 2002.

Surely that only contributed to the problem...

I am 10.

Feel the Power of Norway! From the creator and designer of some of the most intractably bizarre musical theory ever encountered on ilx, Geir Hongro introduces his first Norwegian fragrance for men, GEIR The Power of Norway. GEIR Eau de Parfum for men captures the crisp Norwegian mountains... blended to the sounds of Toploader, Britpop and other "real European music" Hongro creates this harmonic, melodic and actually very brilliant scent. Available in two sizes 50ml and 100ml.

-- Dave Stelfox (destelfo...), June 5th, 2003.

-- mark s (mar...), June 6th, 2003. (later)

-- mark s (mar...), June 6th, 2003. (later)

-- dave q June 6th, 2003.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think Diamond Dave just slipped Mike D the rockstar penis.
-- Chris V. (formerlypoopsmcge...), June 6th, 2003.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

skibbbidibbly bop.
-- Chris V. (formerlypoopsmcge...), June 6th, 2003.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think Diamond Dave just slipped Mike D the rockstar penis.

Uh, what?

Oh.

-- Michael Daddino (epicharmu...), June 6th, 2003.

you're not that far from Anthony E., are you then?

My work here is done.

-- Sommermute (wintermute_v0.3...), June 7th, 2003 8:21 PM. (Wintermute)
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"Three! Ha ha ha! Three point one! Ha ha ha! Three point one four!..."

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), June 7th, 2003 8:58 PM. (Ned)

-- colin s barrow (colinsbarro...), June 7th, 2003 8:34 PM. (later)
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u&k re technique finesse: has the prisoner killed the cop's best mate or his own best mate?

-- mark s (mar...), June 7th, 2003 9:07 PM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

avril's face looks like it's taken enough punishment
-- electric sound of jim (electricsoun...), June 7th, 2003. (later)

-- Mike Hanle y (pennyson...), June 7th, 2003. (later)

-- Kenan Hebert (khebert...), June 7th, 2003 2:26 AM. (kenan) (later)

-- trife (...), June 8th, 2003.

A shoulder charge usually does it for me. Or distract him by calling him baldy.
-- Pete (pb1...), April 29th, 2003.

sex is natural sex is fun sex is best when it's one on one.

-- Anthony Miccio (anthonymicci...), June 7th, 2003.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

on one.

-- dyson (dyspleasur...), June 7th, 2003.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

c-c-c-c-c-c-come on!

-- Anthony Miccio (anthonymicci...), June 7th, 2003.

Help make my kettle corn less exciting
-- Jody Beth Rosen

think about baseball
-- Dan I.

-- gaz (tinydemon...)

why would anyone want to be a psychiatrist rather than a loony?

-- gaz (tinydemon...), June 9th, 2003 8:27 AM. (later)

-- trife (...), June 10th, 2003.

I was in tears, too, because it really seemed like everyone on stage except for Faith was lining up to skull-fuck Biggie's corpse while shooting ping-pong balls out of their asses.

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), June 10th, 2003.

-- Jon Williams (xm...), June 10th, 2003. (later)

How to get Laid:
a) Go to Amazon.com or another reputable music website
b) Type in James
c) Select from the list of perfectly accceptable James they give you (such as James Brown, Barclay James Harvest or even James Last) the band called James.
d) From the frighteningly full list offered to you select the one which has ugly as a Countdown contestant singer Tim Booth in a dress.
e) Pay for it.
f) In seven to ten days you will get Laid.
-- Pete (pb14...), June 10th, 2003. (later)

-- Chris Piuma (chri...), June 10th, 2003. (later)

A self-fulfillingly hilarious post.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I bet He was all like, "OK, so I have this important message for humanity, which I'm going to encode in an infinite numerical value...I better think of something interesting to say...hmmm...ok, how about 'Websters Dictionary defines 'God' as 'a being worshipped by monotheists as the perfect, omnipotent,' no, that just sounds like I'm blowing my own horn...let's see..." and eventually He just got frustrated and went with the obvious "Here I am. I created the universe." so He could get it over with and watch Law & Order.
-- NA. (emmaa...), June 10th, 2003. (Nick A.)

LA can burn another day.
-- Sterling Clover (s_clove...), June 10th, 2003. (s_clover)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Or DC I mean.
whatever.

-- Sterling Clover (s_clove...), June 10th, 2003. (s_clover)

http://www.nationcomics.com/teletub/images/barney.gif

"I do!"

-- mark s (mar...) (webmail), June 10th, 2003 11:51 AM. (mark s) (later) (link)

(barney in bukkake shockah?!)

-- mark s (mar...) (webmail), June 10th, 2003 11:52 AM. (mark s) (later) (link)

person A: I am playing a recording of music I like, you can hear it too.

person B: this is very depressing/this makes me want to slit my wrists/this is slit-your-wrists music.

person A: ...

OK if person As are playing something that actually sounds depressing at all.

but person Bs [who usually profess to 'not like music much'] can/will say this about almost ANY music.

why do they bother?
-- RJG (r_gillander...), June 10th, 2003 9:50 AM.

why do we bother with any rote human interaction at all?
-- Horace Mann (handsomishbo...), June 10th, 2003 9:52 AM.

OK, that, then.
-- RJG (r_gillander...), June 10th, 2003 9:54 AM.

no tom where was it?
-- mark p (m*****...), June 11th, 2003 1:00 AM.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this from my uncle, who's last name is 'Blount' also, wtf?!!!
-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), June 11th, 2003. (James Blount) (later) (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

that's why he qualified it with james obv
-- mark s (mar...), June 11th, 2003. (mark s) (later) (link)

Pete, you were brilliant.

Jon, you walked right into that one.

Deanna, you... oh wait, that's me.

*falls over in a stress-induced tired slump*

-- felicity (felicityredwel...), June 10th, 2003 6:30 AM.
---------------------------------------------------------------
what do you call that area, felicity?
-- Tracer Hand (tracerhan...), June 10th, 2003 7:36 AM.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The taint!
-- Ally (mlescau...), June 10th, 2003 7:59 AM.

-- Mr Noodles (infinitecow...), June 11th, 2003. (Mr Noodles)

i bet that list goes through regular intervals of starting really slowly, then building building building with a flurry of messages, then exploding as they crush the interweb with their electronic missives, then slowly fizzling down again. repeat every two years.

-- Yanc3y (ystrickle...), June 11th, 2003. (ystrickler)

My Native American name is Stirs The P-Ott. I LOVE YOU ALL GOODNIGHT.
-- Chris Ott (ot...), June 11th, 2003. (later)

your Native American name is Writes Poor Criticism
-- M Matos (michaelangelomato...), June 11th, 2003. (later)

“The Charlotte Bobcats team will be as athletic, fierce and hard-working as the bobcat itself,” noted Johnson, who referred to the animal that is being used for the first time asthe name of a professional sports franchise. “No one wants to meet up with a bobcat in the woods, and that’s the feeling we intend to create on the court with our team’s new identity.”
-- Yanc3y (ystrickle...), June 11th, 2003. (later)
Shit Or Get Off The P-Ott
-- jess (dubplatestyl...), June 11th, 2003. (later)

-- Momus (nic...), June 11th, 2003 9:32 PM.

Nice try, Gareth, but it's a baseball cap. Baseball is a team sport, therefore inherently communist. Trucker caps reference the solitary macho man alone in the cab of his hog, doing the bidding of logistics entrepreneurs and guzzling oil (no sweat, 500 years' supply in Iraq). You will not be able to Google a communist trucker hat, though you may be able to Photoshop one. But no-one in Williamsburg would be caught dead wearing something like that. No, it's got to say 'Grizzly's Ribs' or 'Grunt's Ball Bearings'.
-- Momus (nic...), June 12th, 2003. (later)

I also can't get my head around these comments here that read: "since I've never heard the Aerosmith original..." Say WHAT? How on god's cursed
earth did you manage to avoid it? Do you live in a cave??

-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), June 12th, 2003. (later)

No, dear, just Britain.

-- Tico Tico (ticoticoil...), June 12th, 2003. (later)

Hell, Britain's own Mission covered it back in 1988 (on the abortive Children album). If they'd heard it, why haven't you?

-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), June 12th, 2003. (later)

I put it to you that there's a gulf of experiences between Wayne Hussey and Tico that the latter is not keen to bridge.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), June 12th, 2003. (later)

-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), June 12th, 2003.

RADIOHEAD - 'Hail to the Thief' (***)

As usual, this keeps up their high standard of intriguing music and thought-provoking lyrics. Longtime fans won't be disappointed by anything here, and casual observers might find it worth checking out. Give it a listen if you want to 'take a chance'. -
-- dave q (scrape10...), June 11th, 2003. (later)

Is that from The Sunday Express bloke's magazine?
-- Nick Southall (n.j.southal...), June 11th, 2003. (later)

Gee, you think my stuff's good enough to be in the Sunday Express? (*blushes*)
-- dave q (scrape10...), June 11th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

wouldn't people confuse you with a car?

-- oops (don'temailmebitc...), June 12th, 2003. (later) (link)

-- jess (dubplatestyl...), June 13th, 2003 11:30 PM. (dubplatestyle)

Answers

stomach ache

-- jess (dubplatestyl...), June 13th, 2003 11:31 PM. (dubplatestyle)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

geezers kiosk

-- jess (dubplatestyl...), June 13th, 2003 11:36 PM. (dubplatestyle)

DAMN YOU ILX!!!

-- Jon Williams (x...), June 12th, 2003. (later)

Weird! I made this very joke on AIM tonight!

probably not. It just sits there like a great fat thing loudly demanding.
-- Matt

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Momus you really are a dipshit.
-- amateurist (amateuris...), June 13th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

None of you have any visceral anti-conservatism.
I hate you. Does that count?

-- Andrew Farrell (afarrel...), June 13th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), June 13th, 2003.

or like growing up jon williams -- Yanc3y (ystrickle...), June 13th, 2003. (later)

I *AM* GAY. -- Jon Williams (x...), June 13th, 2003. (later)

Can the laptop IDM set please leave the noise to the "bored with hardcore" people and get back to making us dance?

had me pissing myself with laughter

the "fatty is going to emulate merzbow" crack was just too funny to bear.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

but they're called HARRY Pussy (aren't they??)
-- duane (iod...), June 14th, 2003.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

fuck
-- dyson (dyspleasur...), June 14th, 2003.

-- Brooke Hardy (brookie_luvs_...), June 14th, 2003.

This didn't just make me laugh out loud - I think the second half of it (beginning with "i hate") may well be the funniest thing ever written by anyone, anywhere, ever

wait, wales isn't just something the renaissance faire industry cooked up?
-- jess (dubplatestyl...), June 15th, 2003 1:00 PM.

-- chester (goth_casu...), June 14th, 2003 1:44 PM.

(MY GOD why have I continued to read this thread?)

Could you provide an example of what you're talking about Josh, using variables?

-- donut bitch (do...), June 13th, 2003 10:25 PM.

x = theory
y = practice
theta = angle between theory and practice
chi = your mom

-- Josh (kortbei...), June 13th, 2003 10:35 PM.

Jon Williams is actually more like the guy at the party who keeps making all the jokes that everybody else laughs at that I think are stupid, and reminds me of why I don't go to parties (specific to that thread)

-- David Allen (Davidalle...), June 15th, 2003. (later)

What, after being tied up by logic first?

-- Nate Patrin (natepatrin550...), June 15th, 2003. (later)

-- nickalicious (nza2342...), June 11th, 2003. (nickalicious) (later)

-- That Girl (dallasdeadgir...), June 15th, 2003.

Why yes, it's the Holy Trinity of humour that shouldn't work but does - Sandler, Williams, Louis CK.

-- J0hn Darn1elle (edito...), June 15th, 2003 10:48 PM.

aflac

-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), June 13th, 2003 3:03 PM.

there can be only one! *decapitates ilx*
-- di smith (lucylure...), June 15th, 2003. (later)
i don't want to live forever. but i act like i do.
-- di smith (lucylure...), June 15th, 2003. (later)

This will make little sense if you've never heard Eve's first album (Ruff Ryder's First Lady)

So: there's a short (107 seconds) skit just before "Philly Philly", where two guys go into a fast food store and one of them orders a philly cheese steak from the guy behind the counter (whose ethnicity I've embarrassingly forgotten: I think he's generic arabian) and specifies "with this, and this and this", and the guy behind the counter goes "what the hell are you talking about? A Philly Cheese Steak doesn't have any of that shit on it! Its this and this and this". And they get into "You're not from around here, you don't know philly, you don't know this are and that area." "To hell with you! I know philly! I'm from this area, my brother works over in that area", and the whole thing ends with the guys leaving in what seems to be a good humour.

Now, I don't listen to a hell of a lot of gangster rap (which is why I'm asking ILM), but I know enough to recognise that the skits aren't exactly a model of progressive dialogue. So am I totally not getting this, or is this saying "yeah, you don't have to be black or on the streets to be real."?
-- Andrew Farrell (afarrel...), June 15th, 2003 12:48 PM.

the moral is simple: don't fuck with a cheesesteak
-- jess (dubplatestyl...), June 15th, 2003 12:52 PM.

seriously, you have no idea how primal and basic this is
-- jess (dubplatestyl...), June 15th, 2003 12:56 PM.

I just saw this in the new answers and thought, christ, what dirty bugger's asked that? Oh dear.
-- Tom (ebro...), January 26th, 2002.

(Tom had started it)

-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), June 16th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was a member of the Body Breakers.
-- Chris V. (formerlypoopsmcge...), June 16th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm beginning to doubt your committment to Sparkle Motion.
-- Jody Beth Rosen (edito...), June 16th, 2003. (later)

-- mark s (mar...), June 16th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is this about what I think it's about mark? *weeping*
-- nickalicious (nza2342...), June 16th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, it's about your weeping sores.
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), June 16th, 2003. (later)

Start at the Momus post and read down through Ned's post. CLASSIC.

-- teeny (teen...), June 16th, 2003. (teeny) (later)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can you name all five?

-- Mr Noodles (infinitecow...), June 16th, 2003. (Mr Noodles) (later)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

normally my radar goes crazy when people start hatin' on Iowa but "The City of Five Smells," that there is some funny stuff

-- J0hn Darn1elle (edito...), June 16th, 2003. (J0hn Darn1elle) (later)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah, that was actually an argument in favor of Cedar Rapids; I am so not hatin'. It's also very close to the comparatively hip Iowa City. It might be a nice compare-and-contrast for you, Gareth, if you want to see the difference between a manufacturing-based economy and a college/gov't-based economy in the same geographic region.

-- teeny (teen...), June 16th, 2003. (teeny) (later)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

(disclaimer: I haven't been to any of these cities but worked with a guy who previoiusly worked in Cedar Rapids and lived in Iowa City and he told me about all this.)

-- teeny (teen...), June 16th, 2003. (teeny) (later)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

'the comparatively hip iowa city' is actually on the sign as you cross the city limits.

-- Josh (kortbei...), June 16th, 2003. (Josh) (later)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

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egon spengler to thread
-- jess (dubplatestyl...), June 16th, 2003. (dubplatestyle) (later) (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

trepanning tools to egon spengler
-- Matt (Mat...), June 17th, 2003. (Matt) (later) (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pi soundtrack to fourth-floor window
-- Millar (tmilla...), June 17th, 2003. (Millar) (later) (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

what about 'spiv'?
-- stevem (bluesk...), June 16th, 2003.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

that comes from "spiveller"
-- mark s (mar...), June 16th, 2003.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

they'll hatch!
-- jel -- (freeduni...), June 16th, 2003. (jel) (later) (link)

Answers
The ("hell")?
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), June 17th, 2003. (Ned) (later) (link)

They don't fit me right so I believe they are going on ebay.

-- gs. (be_stron...)

------------------------

ps. urban [outfitters -- ed.] is a cultural parasite, i hate that place. It fills me with an otherworldly rage.
-- gs. (be_stron...)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Or famous people injecting Jack Daniels into their penis?

-- Christine 'Green Leafy Dragon' Indigo (christineindig...), June 17th, 2003 12:35 PM.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

that would be a startling misunderstanding of the purpose of urination.
-- electric sound of jim (electricsoun...), June 17th, 2003 12:37 PM.

-- Matt (Mat...), June 16th, 2003 6:46 PM. (Matt) (later)

"Stately plump Buck Mulligzzzzzzzzzzzz............"

-- Chris Piuma (chri...), June 16th, 2003 7:02 PM. (Chris Piuma) (later)

Bjork looks like a second-tier Spider-Man villain now

-- M Matos (michaelangelomato...), June 17th, 2003 3:15 AM. (later)
yeah ive seen them cheap here too but it was cuz they were fucked up or something every track had the same beat!!!

-- trife (...), June 17th, 2003 3:20 AM. (later)

-- Aaron W (aaro...), June 16th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OH MY GOD HE'S EATING HER EYELASHES
-- Sommermute (wintermute_v0.3...), June 16th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was an old Royal Navy trick to fend off scurvy.
-- lawrence kansas (lawrence_kansa...), June 16th, 2003. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and the other ones that i forgot.
-- scott seward (skotro...), June 16th, 2003. (later)

-- Dom Passantino (killallgoth...), June 16th, 2003.

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), June 19th, 2003.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

slurp slurp
-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), June 17th, 2003.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently you've never heard of the seductive art of oculingus.
-- NA. (emmaa...), June 17th, 2003 4:25 AM.

WASHINGTON - A third of the American public believes U.S. forces have
found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, according to a recent poll.
Twenty-two percent said Iraq actually used chemical or biological
weapons.

But such weapons have not been found in Iraq and were not used.

[blah blah whoop whoop etc. etc.]
_________________________________________________________________

Contact reporter Frank Davies at 202-383-6054 or
fdavies@krwashington.com.

-- Jon Williams (x...), June 19th, 2003. (ex machina)

Answers

People are stupid SHOCKAH

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), June 19th, 2003. (Dan Perry)

mark prindle likes him
-- doorag

Chicago area Burger Kings LOVE the guy
-- James Blount

low blow
-- jess

I think it would have sounded better if you had gone 'Chicago area Burger Kings, too!' Instead of your way. The way you did it, it sounded like it was meant to be a stand-alone kind of thing. You were building on his comment so you should have just cut it down a bit, sort of.
-- d k

yeah shall we start it again from the top
-- doorag

Okay:
mark prindle likes him.
d k

Chicago area Burger Kings too!
-- JamesBlount

haha!
-- James Blount

I think the original version is funnier
-- s1utsky

-- robin (robin_lace...), June 19th, 2003. (later) (link)

Answers

what a disgusting idea for a thread!

-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), June 19th, 2003. (later) (link)

-- chuck (cedd...), June 20th, 2003 8:16 PM. (later)

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ahh that will be Evil Joseph of Aramathea
-- james (jamesharriso...), June 18th, 2003

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is it sparkly?
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), June 19th, 2003. (Ned) (later) (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's GLOWING
-- Josh (kortbei...), June 19th, 2003. (Josh) (later) (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Morpheus is trying to contact you!
-- Nicole (nicolew1...), June 19th, 2003. (Nicole) (later) (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

if he was using one of those ichat bubbles I'm afraid he's out of luck, i turned them off
-- Josh (kortbei...), June 19th, 2003. (Josh) (later) (link)

Answers
C'mon bro get with the sweetest meat.
-- vaginatarian (cunn...), May 4th, 2003.

-- Mr. Diamond (electrify...@yahoo.com), June 20th, 2003 2:04 AM. (later)

Yes, but with washboards.

-- N. (nick...@mailup.net), June 20th, 2003 2:33 AM. (later)

once you make boom in them then its time to retire the drawers.
-- Chris V. (formerlypoopsmcge...), June 20th, 2003. (Chris V)

I shall watch the special Pinefox epsiode of "Buffy" in your honour!
-- Mark C (boyincorduro...), June 20th, 2003.

-- NA. (emmaa...), June 20th, 2003. (later) (link)

please tell me you're a traffic cop.

-- Horace Mann (handsomishbo...) (webmail), June 20th, 2003 2:39 PM. (Horace Mann) (later) (link)

Horace has been giving me consistent chuckles lately, which somehow culminated here.

-- Lara (lara_byrn...), June 20th, 2003.

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Oh my God. That's just the best quote ever. Shania must have been confused when the interviewer started doing the Cabbage Patch after she said that.
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), June 20th, 2003.

I was at a flea market last weekend, and somebody had some crates of old records that they were selling, and someone pulled out an Eagles LP and put "Take It Easy" on the turntable, and almost immediately everyone in the vicinity started nodding their heads and tapping their toes - the song is just infectious, you really can't resist it. (Though once you've been through the chorus the first time, you might as well lift the needle off and put it away for another day, because you've heard enough.)
Johnny Cash's cover of "Desperado" is also quite nice.

-- o. nate (syne_wav...), June 20th, 2003. (later)

the song is just infectious, you really can't resist it.
TS: the eagles v. SARS!

-- Tad (llamasfu...), June 20th, 2003. (later)

Except that people don't seem to enjoy having SARS.
-- o. nate (syne_wav...), June 20th, 2003. (later)

I bet some CREEP does
-- Andrew Thames (cleanbridge...), June 20th, 2003. (later)

Was this a Flea Market for the Extra-Chromosoned?
-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), June 20th, 2003. (later)

Except that people don't seem to enjoy having SARS.
i wouldn't, either. although if the alternative is listening to the eagles, and since SARS isn't necessarily fatal (if caught early enough) ...

-- Tad (llamasfu...), June 20th, 2003. (later)

"I don't. like. dogs."
-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), June 20th, 2003.

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It's explained. He had a "bad experience."
-- s1utsky (parrisactava...), June 20th, 2003.

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haha!
-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), June 20th, 2003.

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what isn't explained is that the experience was with 'phife dawg'
-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), June 20th, 2003.

-- Spencer Chow (spencercho...), June 20th, 2003. (spencermfi) (later) (link)

In his darkest adventure yet, the teenage boy wizard must struggle to deal with girls, his enemies - and his own temper!
-- Tico Tico (ticoticoil...), June 21st, 2003.

I get this vision of him standing up on a table in a high-end restaurant bellowing out for his filet mignon...
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), June 21st, 2003. (later)

-- Matt (Mat...), June 22nd, 2003 9:14 PM.

Okay, as a partial vegetarian for the past couple of years, I am planning to cook chicken for the first time. Please spare me the "meat is bad for you" tirades, as I think we've all had our fill. Besides, if it makes you feel better I will only purchase a free-range, drug-free, 12 step program graduate, organically raised chicken.
All I ask is that some culinarily competent person help me out here. I'm thinking of just marinating it and then pan-frying it on the range. So, uh, what specifics do I need to know? How long to cook it, how high to cook it, etc. Any answers would be most appreciated.

-- JS Williams (jsw071...), June 22nd, 2003. (later)

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haha "from the trailer"??!! From the trailer The Mummy looked like the greatest film ever made!!
-- mark s (mar...), June 22nd, 2003. (mark s) (later) (link)

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But the Mummy was great!!!!!
I always judge a film by it's trailer! Pirates of the Caribbean looks great!! Rob Zombie vs skeletons!! wahoo!

-- jel -- (freeduni...), June 22nd, 2003. (jel) (later) (link)

-- chaki (chak...), June 22nd, 2003 7:59 PM.
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-- gygax! (gygax0...), June 17th, 2003 9:48 AM. (gygax!) (later) (link)

-- Millar (tmilla...), June 24th, 2003 11:23 PM.

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OMG I'm going to pass out
-- Millar (tmilla...), June 24th, 2003 11:35 PM.

-- jel -- (freeduni...), June 24th, 2003 1:20 PM.
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maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarvellous

-- Alan (AlanTrewarth...), June 24th, 2003 1:24 PM.
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bravoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-- jel -- (freeduni...), June 24th, 2003 1:25 PM.

oh come on moving crosscountry on a week's notice is FUN! (cough cough)

Heh. I just moved 10 blocks on a week's notice, just this weekend. One of my two roommates was out of town, my bf was out of town, and most of my friends were either out of town or moving themselves. So. That was TONS O' FUN let me tell you.

Meanwhile I've been popping Advil like so many M&Ms.

-- Chris Piuma (chri...) (webmail), June 24th, 2003. (later)

[And why? Cause it's frigging true!]

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oh the sarcasm.
-- Ally (mlescau...), November 18th, 2002. (mlescaut) (link)

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oh the wrestling (sorry)
-- M Matos (michaelangelomato...), November 18th, 2002. (M Matos) (link)

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also: that wasn't sarcasm. that was gentle mockery
-- M Matos (michaelangelomato...), November 18th, 2002. (M Matos) (link)

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oh the guilt
-- Jody Beth Rosen (edito...), November 18th, 2002. (Jody Beth Rosen) (link)

Most men I know (both gay and straight) are fascinated with breasts.

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), June 25th, 2003. (later)

And why is that? A good section of you act like breasts are the second coming...

-- Nichole Graham (britbab...), June 25th, 2003. (later)